Showing posts with label SCIENCE (MAD VARIETY). Show all posts
Showing posts with label SCIENCE (MAD VARIETY). Show all posts

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Crimes Of The Future

 



Crimes of the Future (2022)

Dir. and written by David Cronenberg

Starring Viggo Mortensen, Léa Seydoux, Kristen Stewart

 

CRIMES OF THE FUTURE has been billed as a return to form for director David Cronenberg (JASON X), his first relapse to his "Baron of Blood" body-horror roots since  back before the turn of the millennium. And I mean, there’s definitely some truth in that; this is unmissably, unmistakably a return to the aesthetic of slimy, gnarled bio-mechanical mutation that he has been toying with, on and off, since at least 1970's um, CRIMES OF THE FUTURE (despite having identical titles, the films are apparently unrelated). And I mean, it’s got all the classic Cronenberg moves. It's almost a Greatest Hits album! There's goopy bodily transmogrification à la THE FLY, bio-mechanical synthesis evoking eXistenZ, the squirmy surgical invasion of VIDEODROME, the perverse, subterranean sexual fetishization of deformation from SHIVERS, RABID, DEAD RINGERS and CRASH, the lurking sense of subversive, clandestine conspiracy from SCANNERS and NAKED LUNCH. And to that list of influences, it adds… not a whole lot. Indeed, to a longtime Cronenberg fan this might actually seem a little quaint, more a Crime Of The Past than the future, pushing the boundaries of 30 years ago but more comfortingly familiar than disturbingly transgressive when viewed from the year 2022.

Which is why it matters a great deal that although the method is a familiar --even nostalgic-- one for Cronenberg, the motive is entirely different. What was once the province of grubby, perverse little mindfuck thrillers has itself mutated into something far stranger and less classifiable, retaining something vaguely recognizable as a thriller structure flitting around the margins somewhere, but letting itself drift into far less familiar waters tonally. It is at its core, I think, something like a romantic comedy --though such a ridiculously dry and bleak one that this could hardly be called obvious or indisputable-- which is more interested in examining (and sometimes satirizing) the transformative nature of art than it is in playing its central premise for anything remotely resembling thrills.



Still, there’s something like a genre structure knocking about. It’s unambiguously a Sci-Fi film, for starters, set in an unspecified shambolic, run-down future. The first image of the film shows us a child playing on the beach next to a giant overturned cargo ship, which tells us all we really need to know about what kind of world this is: one in which some major civilizational collapse has occurred, but either long enough ago or slowly enough that the humans grifting along in the aftermath have come to take it entirely for granted. The ubiquitous decay found everywhere in the movie’s design (and especially in the sets) evokes a familiar post-apocalyptic aesthetic… except that one doesn’t get the sense here that there has been a specific, identifiable apocalypse; more like people just gave up on maintaining their world, and it gradually rotted away around them while they retreated into a catatonic haze of amnesic detachment, the crashed cargo ship not the result of a sudden nuclear conflagration so much as its crew simply abandoning any attempt to steer it and wandering off. It is a portrait of a society not so much dying as already dead, grinding on only out of simple, mechanical inertia. The empty shell of civilization putters on --there are government bureaucracies, cops, corporations—but a sense of purposeless entropy pervades everything, casting these pursuits as meaningless rituals which persist only out of the complacency of those involved, too checked-out to bother resisting the accumulated momentum of the past, which is gradually winding down of its own accord in any case. A phrase from THE DARK CRYSTAL comes to mind, there referring to the marginalized race of Mystics, but just as applicable to the humans of CRIMES OF THE FUTUE: a dying race, numbly rehearsing the ancient ways in a blur of forgetfulness. The inhabitants of this future feel utterly alienated from the world, their futile play-acting lacking even an emotional connection to the bygone past they’re half-heartedly acting out. That latter fact feels particularly significant here – despite the evidence all around them of a catastrophic decline, no one in the film seems to harbor any belief that it would be possible to reverse. The hubristic glories of the past are as omnipresent but remote as the gods themselves, and the conflict here is entirely between the forces that seek to chart a path to an entirely new future, and those who will savagery fight to defend the miserable status quo.

Our protagonist, as it turns out, fits neatly into neither category, though he may embody both. He is Saul Tenser (Viggo Mortensen, PRISON), a “Performance Artist” who, along with his partner Caprice (Léa Seydoux, THE FRENCH DISPATCH) has a wildly popular act. To explain what that act is requires a little more backstory. One other thing about this strange future, you see, is that the human body itself is changing. Most humans no longer feel physical pain –Saul is a rare exception—and are no longer susceptible to disease, both facts which would seem ideal, utopian even, but here just serve to further alienate people from their lives and bodies. But humans are changing in other ways, too – many people are experiencing strange and seemingly random mutations. The government is extremely suspicious of those with “accelerated evolution syndrome,” and many reactionary citizens are zealously hostile; in the opening scene, we witness a disgusted mother murder her son when she catches him using a newly-evolved digestive system to consume plastic. But of course, anything that gets The Man this riled up is going to intrigue the counterculture crowd. And so we return to our “Performance Artists’” act: Saul is constantly growing new organs (if I understand correctly, these were originally duplicate organs, but have recently begun to manifest as unique and never-before-seen organic structures, and maybe even whole organ systems). His act is that Caprice carefully tattoos these organs as a means of categorization, and then removes them during live surgeries for awed crowds. The official line is that their act is a sober warning about the horror of genetic mutants. But of course, this being a David Cronenberg film, not-so-secretly everyone is super turned on by it, it’s the most exciting thing going on in this horrible, dead world. “Surgery is the new sex,” mousy bureaucrat/fangirl Timlin (César Award winner Kristin Stewart) whispers to Saul at an afterparty. But their countercultural success comes with a note of danger: they’ve attracted the attention of an underground group fronted by Lang Dotrice (Scott Speedman, “The discount Bradley Cooper”), father of the plastic-eating boy we saw murdered. He has a proposition for a new act, which might have explosive revolutionary potential.



This sounds like thriller territory, and there are a few other spoiler-y wrinkles I haven’t mentioned which might support that impression. But the movie doesn’t pursue any of this with the least bit of vigor. It’s always rattling around in the background, but the pace is so glacial and the mood so elegiac that it never even flirts with excitement. At most, there’s a tendril of that ol’ Cronenberg icy paranoia hanging in the air, but the things the movie seems most interested in are strange little meetings with the various inhabitants of this world, mostly in small groups, having quiet but often rather funny offbeat conversations about what exactly it means to be this kind of “performance artist,” much of which reads pretty easily as Cronenberg directly addressing his own career as a seemingly normal, dignified guy who grows weird, mutant things inside himself and then, with help, removes and displays them for our –what, enjoyment? Edification? Titillation? All of the above, none of it? Is it a courageous act, or perverse folly, or just a meaningless geek show? Is art itself a method of evolution, or is it a purging of our malignant growths so that we can be more fully human? Despite the outré nature of the visuals, this is where the movie wants to go, for better or worse. It’s more LA BELLE NOISEUSE than HELLRAISER (which is not to say there’s no HELLRAISER in there; it does still want to get a rise out of you). 

This is a choice which is not going to please everyone, obviously. Fans of the “Baron Of Blood” lured in by the promise of a return to perverted body horror may find themselves baffled to get exactly that, but in the context of a bunch of semi-comic vignettes and small, intimate emotions which the actors allow to just barely peek out of their meditative stoicism. And the movie is hardly lazer-focused even on that; it’s mainly interested in creating a peculiar sort of mood, letting the somnambulistic editing of Christopher Donaldson (Penny Dreadful, The Handmaid's tale, American Gods) combine with the moody, classical camerawork of Douglas Koch (THE SEXIEST ANIMAL [documentary], Perverts Anonymous: Episodes 1-3) and then drenching the whole thing in the austere, anxious score by MVP Howard Shore (a longtime Cronenberg collaborator going back to THE BROOD, and yet it's still kind of a shock to see him on a tiny-budget movie like this after having done the LORD OF THE RINGS movie and such*). Which is no small thing! Combined with the ragged, post-apocalyptic setting and, of course, the movie's pathological fetishization of grotesque physical disfigurement, and it adds up to a powerfully oppressive, disquieting atmosphere. But not a lot of action.  

And yet, for my money it may just be the most powerful thing Cronenberg's ever done. And it manages that in part by turning our (or at least my -- I don't want to speak for you!) expectations about a Cronenberg movie on its head. Because ultimately, I think this story of fetishistic underground surgery cults and escalating body dysmorphia is actually surprisingly sweet, even optimistic. In fact, it turns the logic of Cronenberg's other bio-horror films entirely around. Whereas SHIVERS, THE BROOD, or THE FLY invite us to view the disintegration and displacement of the human organism with horror, CRIMES OF THE FUTURE sees it as perhaps the only glimmer of hope in a world which has become so horrifically intolerable that the only way forward is to cease being human and become something else entirely. That something else might seem disturbing and shocking to those of us who are stuck in the past, but the past is unquestionably dead here; its decaying corpse is visible all around. Still, there is a future --or can be one-- if we are simply willing to change, to become something completely new. Not that there aren't still forces, even in a society rotted practically to the bone, that won't work hard to make sure that we die rather than change.



If one wants to find a straightforward metaphor in this –and there’s no particular need to do so, but the film certainly leaves itself open to it—it isn’t hard to come up with one. Or many, depending on what (or who) you think the new organs represent, and the degree to which you want to assume this scenario is or isn’t essentially autobiographical for Cronenberg. Like all movies with a vague revolutionary metaphor at their center, it’s easy to project whatever you want on it. If you see “accelerated evolution syndrome” as a metaphor for burgeoning gender fluidity, for example, it’s not hard to make the plot hew pretty snugly to that interpretation, making it a paean to a bold new world which might be scary and disturbing to those stuck in their old ways, but will ultimately allow for a more functional world where people can be true to themselves. Of course, if you want to imagine the movie’s underground revolutionaries as patriotic and persecuted Q Anon believers, it wouldn’t be hard to do that, either. In my formative years (perhaps not coincidentally, when this script was originally written) the social left felt so disenfranchised that we saw basically any revolutionary concept as intrinsically “our” story. Since then we’ve managed to stake out enough ground in the middle that it seems like the hub of revolutionary fervor has shifted to the reactionary right. I was well on my way to middle age before I ever even considered that neo-Nazis and anti-government Militia types and so on might see their own grievances in the anodyne revolutionary narratives of THEY LIVE, or THE MATRIX.

So does it all mean nothing? Not at all! Whatever you want to place as the central metaphor here, and even if you want to resist that urge entirely, there’s one thing beyond dispute: the movie is a soul-wrenching howl against a world that simply doesn’t work. And that resonates deeply – whatever your politics, don’t we all feel it? Don’t we all feel like Saul Tenser, contorted and uncomfortable, body constantly in revolt, trying vainly to scratch out some kind of feeble existence in a world which never seems the right fit for humans, even as we transmogrify it more and more until it’s hardly fit for anything? For all its offbeat humor and light meta commentary, there’s a crushing and deeply poignant sense here of the of generalized wrongness of every second spent in this fictional world, which feels so uncomfortably close to our own even if it doesn’t much resemble it.

And that, I think, is what makes it such a powerful experience. With the exception of FIRST REFORMED back in 2019, I don't know that I have seen another movie in the last decade that so exactly captured my own experience of this rapidly metastasizing culture  -- so perfectly captures the disquieting brokenness of the world right now, the feeling of utter, irreversible entropy all around on ever side, and both the resigned near-catatonia it triggers, and also the curious feeling of seeing a glimmer of hope in the strange things the young people are into, the things I will never entirely understand or be capable of wholly becoming part of, except that somehow there's something in me that begs to change and grow and find something, anything that works, that doesn't feel fundamentally at odds with the basic facts of existence. Something that doesn’t rely on phony optimism or reactionary nostalgia – a way forward, whatever that may look like. And David Cronenberg, of all fool people, is here with a parable about that very feeling. Once upon a time we told stories about heroes saving the world. Now, faced with a world beyond any meaningful hope of saving, that our very bodies are rejecting, the only thing to do is adapt and survive, and find beauty in that. In a world of plastic, learn to eat plastic. In an inhuman world, stop worrying about trying to be human.

I love that Viggo's the only one who dresses like a Ninja Monk, and everyone is totally cool with it. You know how these "Performance Artists" are.


It's not going to be an easy transition. There are powerful forces who are very comfortable with the miserable status quo and will push back savagely against any attempt to change it. And even if we win, even if we persist, there’s no knowing how this turns out. We don’t know if we’re going to be able to eat the plastic candy bar or not. Some of us won’t make it. And even those of us who do will have to come to terms with a new world that in many ways feels strange, even grotesque, a world where our old aspirations and values and very sense of self are mutated and adulterated and twisted into something unimaginable and new. It is not necessarily a “better” future, by any kind of metric we currently possess – it is, in a way, an admission of defeat, a concession that our hopes and dreams for the kind of world we wanted are really and truly dead, along with the world that spawned them, and that the only hope is to adjust ourselves to the strange and terrible world we have made for ourselves by becoming strange and terrible ourselves. But as bleak a hope as it is, at least it is a hope, a real one – and it’s been a long time since I saw another piece of fiction which offered even that. At some point the Crimes Of The Future cease to be crimes, and simply become the existence of the present, and the young people wonder what we used to be so hung up about, and get down to the business of making their own hubristical assumptions about the finality of their own sense of the world, and condemning their own crimes of the future. And so it goes. The name of this blog is We Are Cursed To Live In Interesting Times. Well, maybe we always have. But rarely have I experienced a movie which felt so achingly close to this particular present.

 

 

PS: Also, what’s up with the voice Viggo is doing here? Is he intentionally trying to do a George C. Scott impression or what?

 

 

Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Project: Metalbeast





Project: Metalbeast aka Project: Metalbeast: DNA Overload (1995)
Dir: Alessandro De Gaetano
Written by Alessandro De Gaetano, Timothy E. Sabo, Roger Steinmann
Starring Kim Delaney, Barry Bostwick, John Marzilli, and Kane Hodder

Considering the movie is called... (checks notes) PROJECT: METALBEAST?!  oh dear god I've wasted my life! I could die tomorrow and they’d say at my funeral that I spent my last night on earth watching a movie called fucking PROJECT: METALBEST, sometimes officially subtitled PROJECT: METALBEAST: DNA OVERLOAD though I thank merciful Zeus that wasn’t the on-screen title of the version I saw, but still, Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with me, civilization is collapsing around us and my response is I intentionally select and watch the entirety of PROJECT: METALBEAST!? I live in an age of unprecedented access to the entire pantheon of human achievement! I have every word ever published by Shakespeare and Tolstoy, Hemingway and Hugo, Austen and Joyce at my beck and call! I could delve into the works of Confucius or Kant! I have access to depth and breadth of knowledge undreamt of by monarchs and conquerors a century before my birth! And what do I fucking do with my miserable life, ending, inexorably, second by irreplaceable second? PROJECT: fucking METABLEAST. [Spirals downward into existential despair]

Anyway, as I was saying, for a movie called PROJECT: METALBEAST, this starts off encouragingly, immediately introducing us to two tough-looking guys obviously on some kind of tough guy mission in the wilderness. For context, it provides the following on-screen text in that universally recognized “military typewriter font” which appears in movies and nowhere else in history:

·         Project: Operation Lycanthropus
·         Agency: US Military Intelligence
·         Destination: Carpathian Mountains, Hungary
·         Objective: Sample werewolf blood


That would be enough just by itself to let us know everything we need, but it goes on to add the extraneous:

·         Purpose: Create superior combat agent


As if "Sample werewolf blood" wasn't a sufficient purpose all on its own.



One of the two toughs is Butler (intense-looking enjoyable overactor John Marzilli [The Secret World Of Alex Mack, a 1984 episode of Cheers]) and the other we needn’t worry ourselves with, because he ain’t gonna be around for long. If the text is correct –and we will quickly find out that at least the werewolf part definitely is—they are in the Carpathian Mountains, where they speedily make their way to an obviously werewolf-infested structure and encounter an impressively swole werewolf (Kane Hodder!) who is summarily dispatched with silver bullets and has his blood sampled. So far so good, all according to plan! Oh, those bean-counters back in Washington might have rolled their eyes at spending millions of taxpayer dollars on Operation Lycanthropus. They might have said it was unwise, perhaps even asinine, to travel to the Carpathian Mountains, Hungary, to sample werewolf blood for the purpose of creating a superior combat agent! But who’s laughing now, you pencil-necked Liberal bureaucrats?!

All this is supposed to take place in 1975, by the way. Hard to believe Gerald Ford thought this was a good idea, but maybe it was one of those Nixon-approved schemes which took a few years to get off the ground.

Anyway, we got another PROMETHEUS situation here: nobody says holy shit, werewolves are real, this could revolutionize our entire understanding of biology, not to mention philosophy, the human soul, and mankind’s place in the universe. Instead, they’re just mad they can’t get their werewolf-juiced super-soldier, like, today. Butler, in particular, seems to think if they can’t have a lycanthropic Captain America up and running by brunch tomorrow, America is almost certainly going to be defeated by the forces of communist homosexual decadence. And so when the scientists tell him it’s going to take a day or two to run tests on the mysterious blood (which they don’t know is from a werewolf, a fact which might have hurried them along) Butler goes ballistic and injects himself with the remaining blood. This immediately results in him turning into a werewolf and going on a rampage. Which, of course it does, what the fuck did you think was going to happen, Butler? I mean, you personally took this blood from an actual, living breathing jacked-up ‘roided-out Carpathian werewolf! Always think, man, before you inject yourself with supernatural blood! Real rookie error in my opinion.



Fortunately Butler’s boss, the shifty Colonel who I briefly thought was named “Millie” but turns out to be named Miller (Barry Bostwick –yes, the Barry Bostwick! Beloved star of stage and screen Barry Bostwick from Spin City and what have you*), knows what’s up and quickly puts a couple silver bullets in Butler. I guess he must have seen this coming, or at least had some silver bullets handy for some other reason.

That’s a movie’s worth of werewolf plot right there, but it’s actually only 21 minutes and 30 second of screen time, kinda a complete little mini-movie to set the tone, like the opening of the 2009 FRIDAY THE 13th. We then skip ahead 20 years to the present (1995), where we learn that Miller has secretly stashed Butler’s nude silver-bullet-riddled corpse in a hidden lab, which --yes ladies-- means the villain from The Secret World Of Alex Mack goes full frontal, a nice little bonus for you. You see, Miller learned a valuable lesson from Operation Lycanthropus. Not, of course, that injecting psychotic Nixon-era special ops commandos with werewolf blood is an impractical idea. No, no, the theory is sound, obviously. The problem is that the resulting homicidal werewolf doesn’t have skin as hard as steel. That’s the real snag here. But wouldn’t you know it, in 1995 there’s a lab full of another group of government scientists who are looking for cadavers to practice skin grafts on. Only problem is, the process so far has resulted in all the grafts turning as hard as steel. Well that’s serendipitous! And so, Project: Metalbeast, as the new project is presumably unofficially known exclusively in the head of Colonel Miller, is born!



Unfortunately, as the movie re-starts with a new cast, the break-neck momentum of the first 20 minutes comes to a screeching halt, and we’re left to get introduced to a new generation of scientists led by Dr. Anna de Carlo (Kim Delaney – yeah, the NYPD Blue lady! Also she was in Brian de Palma’s MISSION TO MARS apparently, just five years after this?). Dr. de Carlo is going to be our new protagonist, but unfortunately will serve as something closer to the audience’s antagonist, because she is the one frustratingly factor standing between us and our promised METALBEAST. You see, she doesn’t trust Colonel Miller and doesn’t like that the handy cadaver he has provided for her project has incomplete paperwork. Now, she’s right, of course; the paperwork is bogus, and this guy is sketchy as hell, and in point of fact is trying to unleash a homicidal, vengeance-minded steel-skinned unkillable METALBEAST on them. But which would you rather watch, a movie about a homicidal, vengeance-minded steel-skinned unkillable METALBEAST wreaking havoc, or a movie about a low-level deep-state bureaucrat dragging their feet on a series of biology experiments through an intra-office dispute over incomplete paperwork? Because the movie bets it all on the latter. Not wisely, in my estimation.

See people, this is why everyone hates Liberals. Sure, they might be right, but crazy old uncle Trump, oops, I mean Miller, says we’re allowed to have fun and stay up late and eat all the candy we want and if we want to unleash a homicidal unkillable METALBEAST on the unsuspecting world, that’s our RIGHT as Americans goddamit. And hey, if some people end up dead, there’s always a tax cut to sooth the pain.

Anyway, this argument over proper paperwork for scientific specimens is just blatant anti-entertainment, made even worse by the movie’s general ability to be competent enough that it’s boring. The acting is fine, the production value is passable, the cinematography (by Thomas Callaway, FEAST and an impressive number of direct-to-video sequels including SLC PUNK 2,  CRUEL INTENTION 3 and CRITTERS 4) is adequate and even stylish on occasion.** The sound mix on the version I saw is absolute dogshit, thanks Amazon, but that’s more of an annoyance than a charming foible. So there’s not even anything to enjoy ironically as we slowly, inevitably drag ourselves through nearly 40 minutes before we get a METALBEAST up and running. The only thing that kept me going is the unspoken but unmissable sexual tension between Dr. de Carlo and Female Scientist #2 (Musetta Vander, wow, O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?, WILD WILD WEST, and MANSQUITO?! Plus music videos for Alice Cooper, Elton John, Rod Stewart, Chris Isaac and Tina Turner?!). Oh sure, de Carlo has a supposed love interest who looks like Michael Dudikoff but isn’t (Dean Scofield, a regular voice in the Metal Gear Solid games plus Don Coscarellli’s SURVIVAL QUEST and supporting the real Michael Dudikoff in BLACK THUNDER) but watch these women together. The little gestures, the lingering eye contact, the brief but significant touching. At one point, de Carlo kisses her co-worker lightly on the head after she comes up with some petty exposition. Don’t try and tell me that’s just being a friendly office mate, even in an office so close that you’d feel comfortable going into the meat locker and sadly caressing the corpse of a co-worker who has been hideously mauled by some kind of beast, possibly a METALBEAST, which also happens. This is chemistry. That guy who looks like Michael Dudikoff has no idea what he's in the middle of. None of this turns out to be important or interesting or even stated aloud, obviously, but it does provide a little color during a 40-minute stretch which really struggles to get much drama going.

See what I mean?


Also, I don't know where else to address this, but there's a minor subplot about how the wacky Latino chef (Mario Burgos, no other credits) in their surprisingly elaborate government kitchen (?) is going on strike until they sprinkle the place with holy water (??). There's even a line about how they tried to fool him by using regular water, but he caught on (???). This is never really a relevant plot point, but it comes up a couple times and I feel it must be vital to understanding the rich thematic tapestry that PROJECT: METALBEAST is weaving. 

Anyway, eventually we do get our METALBEAST, and it’s pretty rad, although I have to admit it doesn't quite turn out to be what I had in mind. I was imagining kind of a cyborg werewolf thing, and that’s not exactly what we get; remember, this is just a normal everyday run-of-the-mill werewolf covered in transplanted skin that for some totally valid scientific reason turns as hard as steel, so he’s not a robot or anything, just sort of a weird shiny werewolf who now has glowing red eyes (not sure how that happened) and bristly spines that make him look sort of like a were-porcupine (not sure how that happened, either). He doesn't look exactly like he's made of metal, though he does make metal sound effects when he walks, so there's that. But he looks pretty cool, and you get to see him a good bit. Perhaps recognizing his big namesake movie is really starting to sag, he immediately picks up where he left off back in 1975 and gets right down to the business of murdering everyone in sight. But there are apparently only four or five people who work here so it’s not exactly the wall-to-wall bloodbath that it would have to be to make it worth sitting through 40 minutes of departmental meetings about proper bureaucratic procedural protocol. Still, a METALBEAST was promised, a METALBEAST was delivered, and in fairness to them they have a pretty good plan to dispose of it: silver bullets aren’t going to make it through its MIGHTY METAL SKIN, so they melt down their boss’s antique silver coin collection which he keeps in the office (?) and mold themselves some silver-tipped bazooka rounds. That oughtta do it. With style.

A movie called PROJECT: METALBEAST could probably use a little more cheerful extravagance like that, but there’s enough here to make for a reasonably painless watch. At the very least, the movie is a timely warning about the dangers of injecting American soldiers with werewolf blood to create supersoliders, and then when they go berserk and murder everybody, freezing them nude in a secret lab for twenty years until the technology is developed to give them invulnerable metal skin. Frankly I’m a little peeved that my tax money went to pay for all that. Thankfully there are responsible, thoughtful citizens willing to speak out against this kind of shenanigan. And yes, I’m talking about the deep state: professional, honest civil servants who ensure that these kinds of excesses are kept in check the only way a huge organization is capable of controlling excess: through transparent, consistent protocol.

Yes sir, if we’re ever going to get saved, it’s not going to be by werewolf supersoldiers; it’s gonna be by honest technocrats making sure the paperwork is done right. And this review is a salute to them.

But that doesn’t mean I want to watch them work. If I’m going to throw precious hours of my life away watching low-budget Canadian garbage, I’d at least like to get more METALBEAST than tales of sensible governance, please.

PS: Also, for fucks sake, shouldn't there be a little metal on this soundtrack? I know the beast is literally metal, or at least as hard as metal and I get that PROJECT: THE BEAST WITH REALLY HARD SKIN doesn't have the same ring to it, but come on, you know what I expected with a title like that. Be a pal and throw some Dokken or something in there next time, guys.



*Also ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, but equally also WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S II, HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE, IN THE HEAT OF PASSION II: UNFAITHFUL, THE SCORPION KING IV: QUEST FOR POWER, plus he had a voice role in the American dub of FANTASTIC PLANET and had guest roles on literally every American and Canadian TV series 1979-present.

** The score feels genuinely professional, boldly stating aloud that this is all much more exciting than it actually is, and occasionally almost able to convince you. Turns out it’s by a guy who would at least go on to be a genuine professional, one Conrad Pope, who did scores for PAVILION OF WOMEN, MY WEEK WITH MARILYN, and TIM’S VERMEER, among with schlock like Billy Zane’s THE SET UP and the Alessandro De Gaetano-scripted NEOWOLF. But he’s better known as an orchestrator, a job he held on everything from THE CARE BEARS MOVIE to SCHINDLER’S LIST, the STAR WARS prequels, and most of the HARRY POTTER movies! Even VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS! Wow! What a meteoric rise!

Thursday, January 23, 2020

Scream and Scream Again


Scream and Scream Again (1970)
Dir. Gordon Hessler
Written by Christopher Wicking, based on The Disoriented Man by Peter Saxon
Starring Alfred Marks, Michael Gothard, Vincent Price, Christopher Matthews, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing (cameo)



SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN would be more accurately called SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN AND THEN SCREAM A THIRD TIME, because it’s all about threes. First, its three producers: Max Rosenberg and Milton Subotsky of the venerable also-ran British horror house Amicus studios being joined in this case by the equally venerable Louis Heyward of American exploitation house AIP. Second, its three “stars” – Amicus regulars Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing, along with AIP go-to Vincent Price, probably the three biggest marquee names in horror at the time, together for the first time, no less! And finally, its three plots, because it begins by introducing us to three seemingly unrelated storylines. In the first, a jogger who runs with an unimpressively floppy form (prolific British bit player Nigel Lambert) has a heart attack, only to wake up in a mysterious, sinister hospital where they slowly amputate his limbs. In a second, a sadistic military officer (Marshall Jones, CRY OF THE BANSHEE, MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE) steadily rises through the ranks in an unnamed European dictatorship. And in the third, a no-nonsense police superintendent (Alfred Marks, THE FRIGHTENED CITY, VALENTINO) and, I guess, an assistant coroner (Christopher Matthews, SCARS OF DRACULA), who sort of gradually turns into the protagonist through a process of attrition and the need for this sort of movie to have some blandly handsome British youngsters, seek a mystery killer in a series of apparently vampiric rape-murders. How on Earth could this all fit together?

Indeed, how could three sets of such unusual triplets fit together? Well, the answer is that they don’t entirely, because the movie’s a weird mess. But I confess to rather enjoying the messy, confounding, winding journey it takes. I’ll be damned if I know what to do with it, but give SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN credit for this, at least: it’s probably not what you’re expecting. First of all, it’s really more of a science-fiction thriller than a horror movie, despite the presence of Price, Lee, and Cushing (and they’re not much of a presence at that; Price eventually gets a bit to do, but Lee is a minor character and Cushing has just one throwaway scene). But second and most importantly, it’s a pretty wild --practically deranged!— ride, but for all the insane convolutions it takes, it turns out there really was a discrete destination in mind the whole time. It’s going somewhere. I’m not saying it makes sense, exactly, but somehow the movie does sort of tie everything together at the very end. But I do mean the very end; for the vast majority of its none-too-hurried 95 minutes, it seems like we’re watching a bunch of utterly unrelated lunacy, three paranoid, surreal plotlines playing out completely parallel to each other with no obvious connection of any kind.  



Like many movies of the period, it feels a bit dawdling when it would probably benefit from a breakneck pace, and also like many movies of the period, it gets painfully bogged down in groovy pandering to the swinging youth (two lengthy club scenes prominently featuring a trendy British-invasion rock group --in this case Welsh soul outfit Amen Corner). But unlike many movies of the period, it also features the credit “police chase arranged and executed by Joe Wadham,” and for a 1970 British B-movie, this thing’s a real doozy. It involves a diabolical vampire date-rapist (Michael Gothard, THE DEVILS, LIFEFORCE[!!], FOR YOUR EYES ONLY) in a red convertible sportscar (apparently a 1955 Austin-Healey 100/4) tearing around London and the surrounding Surrey countryside with dozens of expendable police cruisers in hot pursuit, and ends up blossoming into a lengthy --in fact, almost comically extended-- foot chase capped with several bouts of superpowered fisticuffs. It isn’t exactly jam-packed with jaw-dropping stunts or eye-popping spectacle, but clocking in at close to 15 minutes of screentime (pointedly beating BULLITT’s 10 minutes, a point of reference clearly on its mind), it ends up building momentum out of sheer moxie. Normally this sort of action spectacle is death for a horror movie, which thrives on tension rather than excitement. But a few touches of grotesque weirdness --the killer rips off his hand to escape a handcuff, and can crack a human skull with his punches— help resolve the disconnect here. It’s classic action cinema, but with a touch of the genuinely weird, both exciting and a little disconcerting. It honestly makes me wonder if these two genres aren’t as mutually incompatible as I’d always assumed.



As a fifteen-minute chase scene tangent might suggest, the three plotlines are all a little shaggy, which makes a little more sense when you learn that the credited author of the novel which became the basis for SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN (originally titled, appropriately, The Disoriented Man), one “Peter Saxon,” is actually a pen named most frequently used by Irish journalist, pulp author, and editor W. Howard Baker, but, the novel itself was apparently written primarily by fellow pulp author Stephen Frances, with additional possible input from Martin Thomas. All three men were veterans of the Sexton Blake detective stories which are said to number over 4,000[!] entries, and it’s unclear which of the three, if any, was the dominant creative force here. Several websites –all unattributed, I’m afraid—suggest the novel was the result of a “round robin” type writing exercise, which would obviously do much to explain its otherwise befuddlingly unconnected trio of storylines. But whatever the explanation, each tangent affords at least a few oddball pleasures. There’s not exactly a surplus of whammy (the gore is infrequent, though impressively gnarly and clearly shot when it does happen), so with Price, Lee, and Cushing only rarely on-screen, the movie must primarily rely on its pervasive strangeness to keep engaging. Fortunately, it is indeed very, very strange, so that works out.

How strange, you ask? Strange enough to feel completely comfortable removing the novel’s explanation –BOOK SPOILERS it turns out the villains are aliens! END BOOK SPOILERS —and replacing it with… nothing. No explanation at all. It’d be pretty weird to just throw extraterrestrial conspiracies into the mix of a movie which already contains a vampiric car chase, but it’s even weirder to just leave it unexplained, and that’s the kinda shit we’re rolling with here. SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN doesn’t give a fuck about your pathetic need for explanation. It’s just gonna let its freak flag fly, and you’re gonna have to deal with it. Some may find this intolerable; me, I was kinda disappointed to hear there ever was an explanation. I prefer the film’s satisfaction with the vague, uneasy ambiguity of it. So the movie is definitely weird, but obviously I’m on its wavelength.



Well, mostly, anyway. One weird thing which is less effective is the jazzy, sunny score by David Whitaker (VAMPIRE CIRCUS) which is, one can’t help but notice, monstrously inappropriate for such a bizarre, unsettling thriller, and does a great deal to undermine whatever tension director Gordon Hessler (MURDERS IN THE RUE MORGUE) might be building up. Not that the movie strikes one as being impeccably planned by a master craftsman or anything, but there’s weird which is productive, and weird which is counterproductive, and the groovy Bond music knockoff soundtrack is probably the latter. I might be more inclined to tolerate this kind of tomfoolery in an Italian flick, but it’s an ungainly and awkward look for the British. Italian genre films are the cinema of pure sensation, content to luxuriate in any sufficiently evocative artistic element; British films, especially from the 70’s, have a stiffer and more calculated feel, making an inappropriately funky soundtrack feel less like an indulgence in extravagant overstimulation and more like a misjudged attempt to feel hip. But no matter, few 70’s horror flicks, and especially British ones, feel as wildly out-of-control and unpredictable as SCREAM AND SCREAM AGAIN manages, and if that blurs its focus, it rarely blunts its impact. And that’s enough to recommend it all by itself.




CHAINSAWNUKAH 2019 CHECKLIST!
For Richer or Horror

TAGLINE
TRIPLE DISTILLED HORROR... as powerful as a vat of boiling ACID! I should probably mention that yes, there is a vat of acid in the movie.
TITLE ACCURACY
Completely meaningless, but that just add to its weirdo vibe.
LITERARY ADAPTATION?
Yes, from the pulp novel The Disoriented Man by “Peter Saxon” (actually some combination of W. Howard Baker, Stephen Frances, and Martin Thomas).
SEQUEL?
None
REMAKE?
None.
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN
UK/USA
HORROR SUB-GENRE
Boy, um, gosh. Vampire, I guess? Sci-Fi Horror?
SLUMMING A-LISTER?
None
BELOVED HORROR ICON?
Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, though none are especially prominent and Cushing in particular only has one throwaway scene.
NUDITY? 
My teenage self would never have believed it, but I swear I don’t even notice anymore. Those creeps on IMDB do include “Frontal female nudity” in their keywords, so I’ll bow to their superior collective horniness.
SEXUAL ASSAULT?
Yes
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!
None
GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?
None
POSSESSION?
No
CREEPY DOLLS?
None.
EVIL CULT?
No
MADNESS?
No
TRANSMOGRIFICATION?
None
VOYEURISM?
None
MORAL OF THE STORY
Gosh, um. I dunno, man, “don’t go jogging because you’ll look like a dork and then have your limbs cut off” is about the best I can do for you. Otherwise…





Thursday, October 31, 2019

Trog



Trog (1970)
Dir Freddie Francis
Written by Peter Bryan, John Gilling, Aben Kandel
Starring Joan Crawford, Michael Gough, Bernard Kay





            Once upon a time in rural England, three handsome young men (including future genre staple David Warbeck, RAT MAN) strip down to their underwear and explore, one at a time, the inside of a deep, previously undisturbed crevasse. The eyebrow-raising Freudian implications thereof take a backseat to the potential scientific ones, however, when they encounter a pissed-off long-time resident of the cave who kills one of them and sends the rest fleeing to the safety of a laboratory headed by the inexplicably American Dr. Brockton (holy mackerel, it's Academy Award Winner Joan Crawford! From 1926’s THE BOOB!). Obviously, we’ve got some kind of relict pre-human ape man on our hands here. Predictably, the ignorant locals, especially this total dipshit Mr. Murdock (Michael Gough, 90’s BATMAN QUADRILOGY, THE SKULL) want to kill the cave-dwelling “troglodyte,” but Dr. Brockton and her extensive collection of large-collared button-down jackets have the crazy idea that a living Trog might be a great benefit to science, especially that newfangled and still-controversial theory of evolution.*

            So far, so standard for a creature feature like this. Despite the odd murder or two, the movie understands that we’re squarely on Trog’s side here; he’s who we came to see, although of course we assume we’ll only get a few fleeting glimpses of him, budgets being what they are. And of course we can also expect a lot of dry scientific prattle from people in lab coats about modernism and the dangers of superstition and so on. That’s just what you’re gonna get in these monster movies from the 1950s… wait a tick, this was released in fucking 1970??




            That must explain, if there is an explanation, why despite the pro forma setup, TROG is a very different movie than you might expect. For starters, we’re not going to be treated to just a few glimpses of our title character at the beginning and end. In fact, he’s going to be on-screen for basically the entire thing. It’s very possible that he gets more screen time than Joan Crawford. And as soon as we get a good look at him (which happens almost immediately) it becomes clear why Dr. Brockton thinks he might be such an important scientific find: he is, it turns out, basically just a normal human, wearing fuzzy boots and loin cloth, with an ape mask he never takes off the terrifying head of a prehistoric ape! He looks like an ape-minotaur. The fact that he’s obvious just some sporty Englishman (Joe Cornelius, who had been a pro wrestler under the name “The Dazzler”) wearing an impressive but clearly artificial mask,** and no effort whatsoever is being made to disguise this fact through lighting or editing, makes for a wonderfully bonkers sensation that stretches credibility until it firmly snaps back into camp. In fact, for much of the movie I couldn’t help wondering if this was somehow a clue that this was all a weird hoax, and Dr. Brockton would eventually realize that she’s locked up a English prep school lad who donned an ape mask in a prank that ended up getting out of control.


This is not a Halloween costume or something, this is an actual frame from the movie.


            Alas, that does not turn out to be the case, and this odd physiological specimen, once caught, ends up in Dr. Brockton’s lab for a rigorously scientific regimen of tests that hahaha, I’m kidding of course, instead she teaches it to enjoy classical music and play fetch. Seriously, for virtually the entire middle two acts, this thing is fucking Pygmalion*** with Joan Crawford trying to “civilize” a buff human body topped by an ape head fixed with a single perpetually antagonized expression. And it works! Trog doesn’t change expressions or seem especially eager about any of this, but he tolerates it and can be taught the basic principal of throwing a ball back and forth and what have you. Dr. Brockton seems thrilled by this, and even brings in a series of specialists who perform surgery allowing Trog to speak! Holy shit, science is fucking nuts. She seems right on the cusp of teaching him to sing opera or play cricket, which would surely win her the Nobel Prize.

            Wouldn’t you know it, though, those ignorant townsfolk don’t understand the, uh, sophisticated scientific precision of this approach, and want Trog put down. Dr. Brockton protests on the grounds that this is her apeman, and it would be a darn shame if he was euthanized before she can teach him to play bridge or whatever. Drawing from the rich tradition of criminal jurisprudence the British Empire was so known for, the local magistrate convenes some kind of unnamed court proceedings to figure the matter out, in the most punishingly dismal square gray concrete box England has ever produced. Holy shit, TROG turns into a tense courtroom drama!




            Unfortunately, despite Dr. Brockton’s strident legal defense winning over the judge, that dickhole Mr. Murdock is not going to accept the idea that he can’t murder an unbelievably ancient and unique physical specimen that can even talk (!) just because a judge says he can’t. In fact, he expresses his contempt for legal jurisprudence by sitting in the crowd and constantly shouting out his opinions during the trial, which the judge seems to accept as qualifying him to be the prosecuting attorney. Murdock doesn’t believe in this newfangled evolution hocus pocus that the PC liberals are always cramming down his throat, and is none too pleased that this evolutionary missing link basically proves it. With the impeccable logic we’ve come to expect from religious reactionaries, he reasons if he just kills it, that will solve the problem and God will reward him for changing reality to make the Bible true.

            (END SPOILERS IN THIS PARAGRAPH) Things do not go as planned, however, and Trog ends up killing Murdock and escaping to a small but satisfying rampage, which includes impaling a butcher on a meat hook and using his prehistoric strength to tip over a car (which immediately burns to ashes, killing the driver. I hold, however, that this death was really more on the car manufacturer than the rampaging apeman. Unsafe at any speed!). Even poor Dr. Brockman has to admit that this is too far, and so the military is roused to snuff out the poor brute. Because they are the military and he is just an athletic human wearing a loin cloth and an ape mask, this proves surprisingly easy, but at least he goes down in epic style, kinda a WHITE HEAT sorta ending (spoilers for WHITE HEAT). And then poor Dr. Brockton just sadly walks off, and the credits roll. No denouement, no epilogue, no lecture on what science could have learned if only people would be more tolerant of murderous unfrozen ape men, no sad speculation on how the world could have benefitted if he’d only had time to learn to ride a unicycle. Old movies used to understand you just wanted to see the cool part of the story and could figure the rest out for yourselves. And thus, the tragic tale of TROG ends, at a breezy 91 minutes with credits.




            Obviously I desperately wanted to see this movie since I first learned of its existence, and I’m happy to report it does not disappoint. It is, of course, completely ludicrous, but it’s both earnestly ludicrous and diversely ludicrous, with new layers of insanity introduced every time the movie threatens to get into a rut. Most importantly, the two marquee stars – Joan Crawford and Trog—are in the entire thing! You could hardly be called a hopeless cynic for suspecting they roped ol’ Joan Crawford (in her final film role) into two or three days of shooting by promising bottomless martinis so they could get her name on the poster, but no, she’s the main character, on-screen for practically every scene, probably only slightly drunk and still wildly charismatic enough for us to tear our eyes off the title character to watch her. And as silly as Trog looks with his big fake ape head, look, you paid to see a Trog here (and I did! I actually paid to see this!) and the movie delivers all the goddam Trog you can handle. Director Freddie Francis orchestrates this without much style or grace (too bad, since he started his career as a cinematographer, and his two Academy Awards in that field prove he’s capable of directing better-looking material) but who the fuck cares about that shit? You get to see Joan Crawford playing ball with an apeman. If that sounds good to you, TROG delivers. If that doesn’t sound good to you, I’m sorry that you know nothing of true happiness.

            In conclusion, TROG was released October 24, 1970. Alas, The Kinks’ immortal Apeman was released a month later, on November 20, 1970, so it couldn’t be in the movie. Sometimes things just don’t work out the way they should, but that shouldn’t stop you from using science to teach animals to play sports. At least they sing it in LINK.  




* Although I’m not sure how much this will help, since despite theorizing that Trog is a relic of the ice age frozen in a glacier until recently, Dr. Brockton’s words conjure a vivid image in her listeners’ minds of Trog co-existing with some amazingly well-animated stop-motion Dinosaurs. This turns out to be recycled footage which was produced by Willis O’Brien and Ray Harryhausen for the 1956 Warner Bros. nature documentary THE ANIMAL WORLD. Not very scientifically accurate in my opinion, and also rather strange since she never mentions dinosaurs but does specifically mention Trog getting frozen in a glacier. And by the way, even that little theory seems pretty questionable. How recently, exactly, were there glaciers covering Berkshire? Even by the most generous numbers, this assumes Trog was unfrozen 16,000 years ago. No wonder he’s such a crotchety old grouch!

** IMDB and TCM both contain trivia sections claiming the mask is a leftover from 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY, which seems plausible even if I can’t confirm it.

*** Fine, MY FAIR LADY, you philistine.

What else can one say?



CHAINSAWNUKAH 2019 CHECKLIST!
For Richer or Horror

TAGLINE
From The Boiling Rage Of A World Hurled Back One Million Years Comes… TROG. I honestly don’t understand what that means and question whether it’s even a sentence.
TITLE ACCURACY
100 fucking percent.
LITERARY ADAPTATION?
No
SEQUEL?
None
REMAKE?
None.
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN
UK
HORROR SUB-GENRE
Creature Feature, Mad Science
SLUMMING A-LISTER?
Joan Fucking Crawford!
BELOVED HORROR ICON?
Michael Gough, Freddie Francis, and co-writer John Gilling
NUDITY? 
No, although some strapping young men strip down to their underwear.
SEXUAL ASSAULT?
No
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!
Yes
GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?
No
POSSESSION?
No
CREEPY DOLLS?
No, but Trog does have a dolly he’s fond of
EVIL CULT?
No
MADNESS?
No
TRANSMOGRIFICATION?
No
VOYEURISM?
No monster-vision here.
MORAL OF THE STORY
Science = teaching newfound animals how to be properly British.