The Bridge Curse

 

The Bridge Curse (2020)

Dir. Lester Hsi

Written by Keng-Ming Chang, Po-Hsiang Hao

Starring Janine Chang, Cheng Ko, J.C. Lin, Summer Meng, Vera Yen, Wan-Ru Zhan

 

 

 

            Holy moly, it’s a movie from the year of our lord 2020! I know you probably associate this blog with endless, overwritten blarney about terrible, justly obscure low-budget horror drivel from the distant past, but here’s one young enough to not even realize the unholy aberrance of the hellscape it was born into. Granted, it’s still terrible, justly obscure low-budget horror drivel. Wouldn’t want to ruin my perfect streak with something halfway decent.

 

            You may wonder what brought me to this particular bit of terrible, justly obscure low-budget horror drivel. The answer is: nothing in particular. It’s not like I got a tip that it was a hidden gem, or it had an irresistible title, or awesome poster art, or that I had any reason at all to think it would be remotely watchable. In fact, I had every reason to assume it would be dismal garbage. October is a purely volume enterprise at this point in my horror career. I mean, you watch as many horror movies as I do, and it doesn’t take that long at all before you’ve watched basically every single movie which might be remotely good, and even the vast majority of movies which are terrible in some distinct or interesting way. It’s not just that the low-hanging fruit has been plucked; the tree is fucking barren. The only things left to scavenge are the rotted detritus lying around the trunk, eschewed by everyone but the most masochistic addicts. Which is, it turns out, an oddly freeing experience. With no possibility whatsoever of watching anything good, the anxiety of trying to be choosey evaporates, and you can just throw on whatever random garbage happens to roll by in your line of eyesight, and it’s going to be just as good as anything else.

 

            Or anyway, that’s what I thought when I clicked on THE BRIDGE CURSE. But if that’s true, it bodes extremely ill for the rest of this month, because Jesus Christ, this is the bottom of a very empty barrel indeed. 

 

 

            We begin –as I suppose it was inevitable we would—with found footage. Seems that a bunch of Taiwanese college kids are fucking around with a cursed bridge, and you better believe their cell phones are out to incoherently capture the whole thing (one of them even has a fancy camera with a tripod, although, out of what I can only assume to be sheer spite on the filmmakers’ part, we will not be getting any of that footage). Someone walks up some steps in a way which causes the onlookers anxiety. A chair clatters around, all by itself. Spooky stuff. It ends with narration ominously inviting us to examine a faint gray smudge in the top right corner of the image, which it intimates might just be a glimpse of the fabled “Female Bridge Ghost” who is presumably the source of the titular bridge curse, although nobody ever refers to it by that name in the movie. Weirdly, we will almost immediately learn that the faint gray smudge is just an inconsequential camera smudge, so I’m not sure why they bother to emphasize that particular detail right at the get-go. But I’m not sure why they bother with a lot of things.

 

            For example, I’m not sure why most of the first 20 minutes or so is found footage, but after that we rapidly drop the conceit entirely and everything else is shot conventionally. I’m not complaining, mind you, just… why? I suppose it has to do with the framing narrative, where a plucky reporter (Vera Yen, TAKE ME TO THE MOON) on what I presume is a very slow news day, is researching the story of the female bridge ghost. But then, I’m not sure why they bothered with that, either. It definitely smacks of a production which realized when they finally edited everything that they only had 65 minutes of footage, and had to go back and do some second-unit framing-story filler to get to feature-length. At any rate, we will now be spending a not-insubstantial amount of the runtime watching an actress playing a reporter watching the movie we’re also watching, and narrating the events we are seeing, for what I can generously describe as “no good reason at all.”

 

gripping, gripping stuff.

 

 

            Still, watching a young woman half-curiously flicking through security footage and file folders while narrating aloud the events of the story isn’t substantially duller than the purported A-plot. That involved a group of college students at Tunghai University, Taiwan, who decide to film themselves participating in a “courage test” on the aforementioned “female ghost bridge.” Several reviews mention that this is based on a real urban legend on campus, though I can find no independent confirmation of this fact (the Wikipedia page for the university doesn’t mention any hauntings, although it does note that then-president Richard Nixon spoke at the groundbreaking ceremony in 1953, leaving open the possibility that a different part of campus is cursed by a “Male US President ghost.” Now that’s a sequel I’d like to see!). To the surprise of no one, they quickly find themselves getting picked off by a ghost with a penchant for drowning (I wonder if she knows THE DROWNSMAN?), because, you know, bridge ghost. This is made somewhat easier for the offending spirit by the fact that the students all have a distinct tendency to wander off alone, and also by the fact that for some reason they all live in the “abandoned town,” an decaying, desolate, and completely isolated structure which is, as near as I can tell, maintained by the university solely for the convenience of housing cursed students while the haunting runs its course.

 

What follows is a thorough and unswerving recital of every single one of the most shameless ghost movie gimmicks in the book (uh oh! The ghost is silently standing behind someone! Now she’s making a ruckus in the bathroom stall next door! Now she’s lurking under your covers while you’re trying to hide!), and absolutely nothing else of any kind. It’s brutally dull going, but at least it’s reasonably eventful, and the film is pretty short. There is not a single beat that you haven’t seen done –and done better—at least a dozen times before, but hey, compared to the Blumhouse hegemony in the US, this is practically fuckin EVIL DEAD, so it could be worse, I suppose. The movie tries to get fancy only once, with a confounding timeline rug-pull near the very end. I’m not sure if this late-movie twist is too mind-blowing for me to entirely grasp, or if it just makes no sense, but hey, at least it’s a thought; nothing else about the screenplay suggests even that low level of ambition, so I’ll take what I can get. It certainly makes more sense than the never-elaborated-upon assertion that the students are for some reason “assigned to the abandoned town.” Wha? Is this a more common part of college life than I realized? Anybody else have fond memories of spending that semester in a haunted, empty dorm building with your five friends and no one else to hear your screams? I too have lived in some grim (and in fact, specifically haunted) off-campus housing, but at least I had neighbors. And no one demanded that I participate in a “courage test.”

 

Anyway, THE BRIDGE CURSE sucks, but it’s not like it ever tried to claim otherwise. I mean, look at that fuckin’ poster. It’s not pretending to be anything it ain’t. You fuck around with a cursed bridge, you can’t be too surprised when you end up cursed. It’s right there in the name, idiot. Similarly, I’d have to be a pretty big asshole to look at that poster, knowingly click on it, and then complain about getting exactly what I was promised. These guys got a cursed bridge, I got a cursed queue. My bad, this one’s on me. 

 

 

 

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2020 CHECKLIST!

The Man Who Queue Too Much

 

TAGLINE	The English posters get nothing, but thanks to the awesome power of Google translate I can now confirm that the Taiwanese poster says something to the chilling effect of: “The new topic of the producers of ‘Little Girl in Red Farm’ and ‘Zongxie, adapted from the campus ghost live broadcast event.” Or, in another poster, “Live e-sports! Millions of netizens lose heart to WITNESS THE REAL GHOSTS!”
TITLE ACCURACY	More of a haunted bridge, methinks, but yes, it is definitely a bridge.
LITERARY ADAPTATION?	No, possibly inspired by a true story, or so the tagline would imply.
SEQUEL?	None, but the ending definitely leaves the possibility wide open.
REMAKE?	No
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN	Taiwan
HORROR SUB-GENRE	Ghosts, J-Horror-ripoff, curses
SLUMMING A-LISTER?	None
BELOVED HORROR ICON?	None
NUDITY?	None, although one unfortunate young lady is wearing a very situation-inappropriate midriff shirt.
SEXUAL ASSAULT?	None, although we are told that the bridge ghost was gang-raped, which is a lot of fun.
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!	No animals
GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?	Yes
POSSESSION?	Yes
CREEPY DOLLS?	Yes, one room in the abandoned campus was obviously used by the … hair styling department? And you better believe the ghost is gonna have a field day with that shit.
EVIL CULT?	None
MADNESS?	None
TRANSMOGRIFICATION?	None
VOYEURISM?	Just of the brief, found-footage variety.
MORAL OF THE STORY	Just say “no” to cursed courage tests. They’re one of the top five killers of students living in the abandoned town.

 

 

 

Tormented

 

Tormented (2011)

Dir. Takashi Shimizu

Written by Sotaro Hayashi, Daisuke Hosaka, Takashi Shimizu

Starring Hikari Mitsushima, Takeru Shibuya, Teruyuki Kagawa

 

 

TORMENTED is a movie in which a giant rabbit mascot who lives in a metaphysical amusement park (or possibly the vengeance-minded specter of an actual murdered bunny, or possibly a haunted rabbit doll possessed by a standard-issue long-haired female ghost), torments (hey! the title!) a young woman who was struck dumb after a trauma involving her rabbit-killing baby brother and must unravel the mystery of this haunting despite the checked-out negligence of her flakey dad, who spends all day creating meticulous pop-up books dramatizing Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Mermaid. Sure, that’s the oldest plot in the book, but have you seen it in 3-D, smart guy? Because now I have.

 

But where are my manners? Welcome, loyal reader, to yet another year of Chainsawnukah, that magical time of year when I am contractually obligated to publish more than one review per month, and about something you might actually be interested in, as opposed to GONE WITH THE WIND or whatever. But this year there’s a twist: after eight years of doggedly pursuing long-form reviews at the cost of my very sanity, this year I’ve finally admitted to myself that although I can write 5,000 words about even the most blatantly empty bit of miserable horror garbage (see: FAMILY BLOOD, THE BLOOD BEAST TERROR, etc) that doesn’t mean I necessarily should. So if you really are a completist who must absolutely have a review of every horror movie I watch in the month of October, you can follow along on my letterboxd account where you can get some shorter, bite-sized reviews of the same garbage I’ll be expounding upon here in the kind of excruciating detail you’ve come to expect.

 

So, with that little bit of business in mind, let’s check back in on our weird rabbit haunting already in progress. Where was the deal with that?

 

Oh right, it’s a Japanese horror film, so I have no idea. It’s just gonna be fucking weird, and it’s not the kind of thing you’re entitled to answers about. But still, TORMENTED (Japanese title: ラビット・ホラー３Ｄ; “Rabbit Horror 3D”) gives the worrisome sense that there’s some kind of method to the madness. I mean, just try and untangle all that juicy symbolism in the first paragraph! Rabbits! Costumes! Mute siblings! Carousels (I didn’t mention that one before, so no shame if you haven’t yet untangled it)! Hand-crafted pop-up books! Hans Christian Andersen’s The Little Mermaid! Frayed familial ties! Here is, by God, a movie trying to do a thing.

 

  What that thing is, specifically, I’ll save for the spoiler section below, but suffice to say that the curious part is not the thing itself, but that it is very intrinsically tied to the plot. This is a movie that is going somewhere, and not just to some room where a ghost crawls down the stairs and gurgles at you. Somewhere narratively. That strikes me as unusual for Japanese horror. Western-descended horror tends, especially in the past few decades, to be structured as a mystery, with the inherent narrative drive and implication of a paradigm-shifting twist that comes part and parcel with that structure. It’s a very story-driven medium. Japanese horror, by contrast, seems largely disinterested in narrative, with the plot (or, more often, simple scenario) serving more as an unobtrusive framework for atmosphere and surreal setpieces than an ends in itself. This is, of course, a very broad generalization, and it’s easy enough to think of exceptions on both sides of the Pacific. But the fact that you have to think of exceptions tends to prove the rule, I think, and TORMENTED is a case in point.

 

It is noteworthy, then, that the movie is very fussily structured to foreground a significant, paradigm-altering twist. The kind of twist, in fact, that could fairly be defined by that most loaded descriptor, the mindfuck. I wrote about this phenomenon fairly extensively a few years back, and consequently I do not expect you will be particularly shocked to discover this is not one of those rare mindfucks which blows your mind and retroactively enriches everything that came before. It is of the much more common variety, the kind that make you say “surely they aren’t going to…” and then “are you fucking serious?” after which any hope of enjoying the plot on anything other than an ironic level is definitively squelched.

 

The good news, though, is that despite being an unusually plotty movie by Japanese standards, and particularly the standards of Takashi Shimizu, the singled-minded auteur behind the remorseless death march of JU-ON / GRUDGE movies, which take blithe plotlessness to near-absurdist levels over the course of their punishing and inexplicable now-13-movie run (yes, you read that right; they actually added another GRUDGE remake since I last wrote about this, and that doesn’t even count the new Netflix series that I’m currently suffering through),* the movie doesn’t live or die on its narrative. There are other things to enjoy about TORMENTED that manage to survive the rapidly deteriorating plotline mostly intact. Much of that has to do with the film’s visuals; despite the presence of yet another long-haired female ghost, it’s a much more colorful film than nearly anything else in Shimizu’s oeuvre, both in terms of incident, and, more literally, in terms of cinematography. 

 

For that we can thank ace cinematographer Christopher Doyle, an Australian expat and renaissance man who has worked with Wong Kar-Wai, Jim Jarmusch, Zhang Yimou, Gus Van Sant, and Alejandro Jodorowsky, among others, in a long and decorated career. With the arguable exception of Takashi Kitano regular Katsumi Yanagishima (who shot THE GRUDGE 2), Doyle is the only “marquee” cinematographer to work with Shimizu, and to my knowledge the most prominent cinematographer to ever shoot a J-horror film. The result is something infinitely more visually compelling than anything else I’ve ever seen from Shimizu, and, in fact, the vast majority of the horror genre. Doyle is not entirely able overcome Shimizu's fetishistic love of cramped, dingy interiors, but for a few sequences, particularly a surreal carnival and an impossibly long spiral staircase, the film looks fuckin' great. He also makes some smart choices with the 3-D; just two years after AVATAR inaugurated America’s brief and intense love affair with, then backlash against, then final resigned acceptance of the medium of 3-D, Doyle seems to have intuitively grasped how to get the most out of the technique (which was then –and still is, to some degree-- widely regarded as a gimmick).

 

He ably manages some of the now-standard tricks (still particle effects, which always look baller in 3-D, and plenty of deep-focus, multi-planed shots), but is also bold enough to play with the medium a little. One of the most interesting experiments comes from adding a filter of digital video-noise over the 3-D footage in a few sequences, which results in the odd effect of imposing a flat barrier between the viewer and the 3-D world behind the “veil”. I'm not sure quite what he was going for here, but it creates an odd, artificial sensation, highlighting the unbridgeable gap between the audience and the fictional characters in the movie by making the usually invisible demarcating boundary --the screen-- suddenly and ostentatiously visible. The filter thus becomes part of the image and yet distinct from it, operating on a completely different plain which exists only on a meta level, part of our experience of watching but not the experience of the characters.

 

If the rest of the movie was as vivid and imaginative as the cinematography, we’d really have something here. Alas, most of it is content to recycle the standard bag of J-horror long-haired-female-ghost tricks (already pretty well played out through repetition in the decade since JU-ON and RINGU inaugurated the “J-horror” movement) with little or no ambition or innovation. The rabbit mascot costume is an unusual and, I think, largely effective bit of unnerving surrealism, but it’s not actually as big a part of the movie as you might assume; meanwhile, there’s certainly no shortage of scenes where the long haired female ghost suddenly appears unexpectedly accompanied by a loud musical sting. So the genre content itself is a bit of a wash, which is why I am forced to turn again to, of all things, the plot. But this time I’m going to have to talk about it in a little more detail, so SPOILER WARNING.

 

 

 (SPOILERS) See, the movie does something that I’d almost be inclined to call daring, if it wasn’t also so stupid. It begins from the perspective of much-bullied little kid Daigo (Takeru Shibuya, ACE ATTORNY), who is experiencing some troubling haunting-like occurrences. Daigo is the younger brother of the mute Kiriko (Hikari Mitsushima, LOVE EXPOSURE, DEATH NOTE [2006]), and she is getting extremely concerned that her brother’s “bad dreams” about a sinister rabbit mascot and a spooky ghost woman may be more than just dreams. Eventually, after much standard haunting nonsense, something jogs Kiriko’s memory and she realizes that this may have something to do with her stepmother, Daigo’s biological mother, who she unintentionally killed in a bratty fit of rage as a youngster. Wouldn’t you know it, she had forgotten all about that, but yeah, that’s a promising lead. You never want to get too cocky about your little theories, but it’s probably a hint that the dead woman was wearing a bunny mascot suit when she died. Seems like a possible clue, right there.

 

(SPOILERS CONTINUE) So far, so standard for this kind of hooey. Fine, now we know who the ghost is. But then right at the turn of the final act, something else jogs her memory a little more and she remembers something else arguably even more relevant: there never was a Daigo in the first place. It seems that stepmom died pregnant, and ever since then Kiriko has been hallucinating an imaginary brother. In fact, she’s already been sent to a mental institution about it once before, now that she thinks about it. Despite half the movie taking place from "Daigo's" perspective, there apparently never was such a person.

 

(SPOILERS CONTINUE) Which raises the important question of what the fuck did we just watch? Half the damn movie up til this point has been Daigo’s dreams, and now we’re being told he never existed in the first place? What were we even seeing? Was that stuff, like, a dramatic reenactment of things that Kiriko imagined that her imaginary brother was experiencing while she was asleep?! Indeed, even Kiriko seems to have some confusion about how, exactly, this is supposed to work, because she rushes back home to check out why the fuck she’s been sleeping on the lower part of a bunk bed if her dad never had a second child, and sure enough, wow, it’s just a single bed, no bunk at all! Guess she was also hallucinating some furniture and stuff. They don’t mention it, but surely she would have wondered why he didn’t have a toothbrush, so presumably every time she’s brushed her teeth for years, she has been hallucinating a nonexistent second toothbrush in the bathroom while she does it. And we see her doing the laundry, too, so one can only assume she’s been doing imaginary loads of laundry all this time, or at least running a bunch of half-full loads thinking there were a bunch of imaginary little boy clothes in there. Probably wasted a lot of water washing imaginary clothes, dirty dishes, hallucinated bedsheets, etc. Bad for the environment. One more thing these fiendish ghosts have to answer for.

 

 (SPOILERS CONTINUE) But wait, there’s more! That would already be the dumbest twist in the world, but TORMENTED isn’t finished yet. In fact, there’s still an entire act left! You see, even though Daigo is not, and has not ever been real, suddenly he shows up again! And now he’s a bad guy! I can only assume the never-born spirit has now somehow manifested itself based on Kiriko’s imagined version of him (or maybe he was a vengeful ghost all along, and he was just pretending to be her loving, troubled brother for years to fuck with her? If so, way to play the long game, little dude). I’m genuinely not sure if there actually was a ghost in the first half of the movie, or if Kiriko was just hallucinating a nonexistant ghost to haunt her nonexistant brother, but either way, now there definitely is a ghost, and Dad can see him too, and he’s not gonna stop til everyone gets some emotional closure about the unfortunate death of the woman who would have been his mother. Or, that failing, falls off a high ledge and dies, that would work too. Shortly before the end, though, Kiriko regains her lost ability to speak, and Shimizu seems absolutely certain this is deeply meaningful.

 

It’s not, and neither is anything else here, no matter how much jumbled symbolism Shimizu pours on. The movie falls solidly into the category of “takes itself way too seriously to get away with being so fantastically stupid.” But at least it’s nutty and intermittently colorful. That's more than you can say about a single JU-ON, and TORMENTED graciously doesn't have 13 sequels and remakes you're doomed to suffer through. Besides, in what other movie are you going to get a gigantic 3-D, anthropomorphized rabbit gesturing mournfully at a tree full of other hanged mascots? Japan has made a lot of movies, so the possibility that there is another one cannot be ruled out, but at the very least I'm reasonably confident there are not more than, say, a half-dozen, so that's still rare enough to be valuable. For a director as repetitive as Shimizu, it's positively eccentric, and he really seems to be letting his hair down and having some fun. There’s even a bit of odd meta tomfoolery, where our heroes go see Shimizu’s previous 3-D movie SHOCK LABYRINTH and --lo and behold!-- a 3-D rabbit doll comes out of the screen and materially influences the plot of this movie. There’s enough good stuff here, and enough wanton, unhinged ambition that I wish TORMENTED was actually great, instead of just a weird disaster, but it’s certainly got a lot of personality for another long-haired-female-ghost J-horror movie, and the haunting, surreal visuals alone are enough to make it worth a watch for the horror aficionado who has some tolerance for absurd plotting. And reader, I hope to god you’re such a person, because if not, I’m definitely gonna lose some more longtime readers this month.

 

Plus, there are not too many horror movies about giant rabbit mascots, so another one is always welcome. Bring on TORMENTED vs FOOD FIGHT!

* Of which Shimizu himself personally directed six (plus the two short films which inspired the series)!

 

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2020 CHECKLIST!

The Man Who Queue Too Much

 

TAGLINE	None
TITLE ACCURACY	I guess there’s some tormenting going on, but I prefer the more literal Japanese title “Rabbit Horror 3-D”
LITERARY ADAPTATION?	No
SEQUEL?	None
REMAKE?	No
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN	Japan
HORROR SUB-GENRE	Ghosts, J-Horror, Surreal Horror
SLUMMING A-LISTER?	None
BELOVED HORROR ICON?	I don’t know how beloved Shimizu is, but anyone who started a series that reaches 13 entries is obviously reaching some kinda audience.
NUDITY?	None, from what I’ve seen Shimizu’s movies are all fretfully, insistently sexless.
SEXUAL ASSAULT?	None
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!	A rabbit is attacked, and a giant anthropomorphized rabbit is clearly up to no good.
GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?	Yes
POSSESSION?	No
CREEPY DOLLS?	A very cursed rabbit doll
EVIL CULT?	None
MADNESS?	Only if you consider hallucinating a younger brother for years, and then forgetting that you did that, to be in any way mentally unstable
TRANSMOGRIFICATION?	Yes, rabbit mascot into flesh-and-blood rabbit
VOYEURISM?	None
MORAL OF THE STORY	That most universal of all lessons, never hallucinate a family member and then hallucinate that they are haunted on top of that. It seems appealing, I know, but it ends badly.