It’s In The Blood (2012)
Dir by Scooter Downey
Written by Scooter Downey and Sean Elliott
Starring Sean Elliott, Lance Henriksen
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| I know what you're thinking: "Great, this poster is lying to me already by pretending Lance Henriksen in the main character here when you and I both know that's certainly not the case." Well friend, you skepticism is not unfounded, but he's actually in more than a handful of scenes this time, at least. He's not the main character, and there's probably no artistic reason why his face should be this big when the actual star appears (maybe) only as a blurry shadow at the top. But he's definitely the co-lead. |
Maybe,
but surprise surprise, if there is a good one out there somewhere, IT’S
IN THE BLOOD ain’t it. In fact, it’s a bunch of hot garbage. How hot is this
garbage? The main character’s name is “October.” I don’t think they ever
mention his last name, so I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s “Blood,” which
would at least help the title make more sense. Now, I admit, some extensive
Google searching does reveal a handful of real live humans who somehow live
life with the absurd name of “October.” But the most prominent one seems to be the
daughter of the bassist from Slipknot, which is about the level of taste we’re
dealing with here. I mean, for fuck’s sake.
 |
| Look at this guy, I mean, Jesus. |
October T. Blood is
played by Sean Elliott (“Frat Guy” in THE LIBRARIAN III: CURSE OF THE JUDAS
CHALICE) who also co-wrote the screenplay. I never saw him play the Frat Guy,
but I can safely say that as a screenwriter, he probably doomed himself as an
actor from the get-go, because October has about four characters’ worth of
gimmicks stuffed into one: he’s apparently supposed to be 1) some kind of
brooding hunk (he’s got a cut-off sleeve, like Ash? But he looks kind of like
Adam Scott) who is 2) hitchhiking his way back to his podunk hometown after
being away for some time (just a year, according to the Netflix blurb, but it
surely seems like it must have been more?) and it’s clear that he left after 3)
his beloved girlfriend Iris (Rose Sirna, a minor part in a zero-reviews-on-IMDB
movie called LAMB OF GOD* [follow me to the footnote for the plot description,
because you need to hear this]) died under circumstances that are not
initially clear to us and 4) also, she was his adopted sister, so what in the
hell, is this fucking Wuthering Heights up in here? There’s nine billion
people on Earth dude, can we try not to fuck someone in our immediate family,
October, Jesus Christ? And this whole incident caused him to be 5) estranged
from his redneck sheriff father (Lance Henriksen, HARBINGER DOWN, various Pumpkinheads, 56,000 other movies). Also, 6) he’s some kind of genius savant
with a photographic memory and perfect recall, who can instantly summon to mind
every page of every book he’s ever so much as glanced at during his entire life.
Which 7) is why he is a expert field medic and survivalist, because he read
how to do it in books and remembers every detail perfectly. (Also,
incidentally, it’s the only reason for this bizarre and specific
character detail. Apparently this is the only way they could think of to
establish that he’d eventually be able to bandage a wound and sharpen some
sticks.)
Bear in mind, that’s not
the plot of the movie; all that is established in the first five minutes or so.
If there is any actor alive who could play a role that overloaded, Sean Elliott
is certainly not him. Lance Henriksen might be, actually, but unfortunately
he’s stuck with the dad role, and wouldn’t you know it, the screenwriters were
so busy adding things to October’s character that they forgot to give him any
clear characteristics of any kind.
This is made clear
before we even see his face, because the first thing that happens when October
gets back to his family farm is he finds his beloved childhood dog stuck in a
bear trap. He crouches down and comforts the whimpering animal while he flashes
back to sunnier, idyllic childhood days when the adorable pup first came into
his life. Then, offscreen, someone blasts the dog to bloody pieces with what is
presumably a full-sized howitzer, dousing the reminiscing prodigal son with
blood. And then his dad walks up behind him and mumbles that he had to put the
unfortunate pooch out of his misery. He later explains that he set up bear traps everywhere for some reason (coyotes? I can’t remember) and just figured the dog
wouldn’t be dumb enough to step in one.
Now, this would be a
perfectly reasonable introduction to this character if they were trying to
establish that he was some kind of unhinged backwoods psychopath. But instead,
they act like blowing up this dude’s childhood dog with a shotgun without
warning while he’s leaning right over it was a completely reasonable, if
unfortunate, response to the situation. The movie posits this incident as a
perfect encapsulation of the failure to communicate between the two men. As in,
one of them thinks it’s necessary to blast a giant hole in his kid’s dog with
his shotgun without warning while he’s kneeling over it, spraying him with
viscera, and the other thinks maybe don’t do that, or, maybe, acknowledges that
its completely reasonable but is still sulky about it because he’s a big bitchy
baby. But then, aren’t they both a little bit right? Apparently so, because
rest of the movie is entirely about them getting lost in the woods and then
bonding and resolving their differences, all while we gradually flash back to
the tragedy that initially pushed them apart.
Oh, one thing about that
bonding: while they do it, they are occasionally attacked by this weird
crawling thing that I interpreted as an alien mummy dog (the credits just call
it “monster”). When Daddy Blood first gets a look at it, it’s got some kind of
PREDATOR-style camo mode on, which seems to me makes it an alien, but who
knows? He’s so shocked at the sight that he falls backwards off a cliff, breaking
his leg and trapping them in the woods. Subsequently, the malignant critter’s
MO will be to suddenly create an eerie and inexplicable mist, and then crawl out
of it and briefly menace them while remaining mostly off-screen, and then fuck
off back into the darkness so they can get back to elliptically talking about
the tragic events which cost the life of October’s sister/ fuck buddy.
Here’s the weird thing:
they spend a lot of time talking around this incident without ever
talking directly about it. The movie bafflingly posits the backstory as this
big mystery it has to slowly dole out to the audience in flashback form over
the course of the entire movie, even though it’s clear from like, flashback #2
that a creepy sheriff's deputy (Jimmy Gonzalez, a lengthy career of minor roles
playing cops in big movies including LOGAN, MACHETE KILLS, and TAKEN 3, clearly
relishing his rare chance to play a cop who’s also a raving psychopath) is
murderously obsessed with Iris and there’s literally only one way this can turn
out. Which is exactly how it does turn out, and yet the movie acts like
it’s some kind of huge game-changing revelation which suddenly explains
everything (the only new information we learn is how unpleasant her death was,
and having a pretty extended, sadistic rape scene is way, way too much for a
movie this dumb and bad, making it seedy and repellent as well as boring.)**
Anyway, this irritating
and borderline insulting flashback structure effectively prevents the only two
characters in the movie from ever substantively discussing the only relevant
conflict until the very end, which makes for some very strained, unnatural
conversations (and the movie is almost all conversations). But
naturalism was pretty much already ruled out by one other noteworthy factor:
while they happily jabber away about their shared past while awkwardly avoiding
all specific detail, they somehow manage to entirely avoid the topic of the goddam
alien mummy dog that’s trying to kill them! They seem to agree that there’s
some kind of danger, but unless I missed it neither of them ever specifically
addresses the fact that every once in awhile, without warning, some kind of
weird mist will appear and a bitey critter from another dimension or Hell or
whatever will ineffectually try to get at them. Nobody asks what in God’s name
is going on, or wonders if this is a metaphor or if this is an alien or
whatever, or seems surprised at all that this is happening. Not once. It’s so
completely bizarre that it would almost be interesting if the movie had
literally anything else going on.
Henriksen
is giving 110%, as he always does, and he’s so good that you might almost be
fooled into caring about their stupid non-drama, but his sole co-star is only
operating at about -56%, so it averages out to around 27% acting overall. Which
isn’t nearly enough to make the drama worth it, not even close. And yet, that’s
definitely the ONLY thing the movie is interested in. The alien attacks are so
random and unrelated to any of the dialogue that it’s almost like they shot all
the drama and then later decided that the only human beings indiscriminate
enough to watch this movie would be horror fans, and so they went back and shot
some b-roll of a couple of badly staged creature attacks to edit in. In the big
climax, our hero gets attacked by some kind of unexplained distorted zombie
ghouls --including, for some reason, his girlfriend’s killer?-- but the
alien mummy or whatever is nowhere to be seen, so I couldn’t tell you what the
fuck is going on here. October is just such an excruciating opaque character
and so wildly underacted that it honestly seems like maybe he’s supposed to be
autistic or developmentally disabled or something (he does have the whole
“photographic memory” thing, is that a hint?) but I don’t think so. It’s
implied he’s suffering from hallucinations, but his Dad sees the monster first,
so… huh, I dunno, maybe that’s not important? Or maybe he hallucinated the
whole thing and just murdered his dad? But if so I don’t know what that would mean.
 |
| I dunno man, you tell me what this is. This is about the best look we ever get at it. |
Not that it would really
matter at this point, but it also has terrible, hyperactive editing and
grotesquely unappealing color-correct photography, too. I mean, it takes genuine ingenuity to make location photography in the picturesque woods look this visually dull and ugly. What I’m trying to say
I think is that this is a pretty bad movie, sorry if that wasn’t clear, before.
Lance gets to do a WHEN
HARRY MET SALLY fake orgasm scene, though. You gotta like that. But I don’t
think I’ll have what he’s having.
* IMDB plot description: “What if Jesus came to
earth as a college student? Who would follow Him? who would be healed by Him?
Who would crucify Him? A modern day version of a timeless story, this film
follows Desiree, a young journalism major in desperate need of healing, as she
investigates a student who rumor claims as the Messiah. Named Immanuel, this
student has reported healed sickness, brought happiness, and inspired hope in
the student body. After spending just a few days with him, Desiree begins to
realize that sometimes rumors aren't just rumors.”
** OK, fair’s fair, we also find out that the
evil deputy decided to locate his murder room in Papa Blood’s old shed, like 20
feet from the house (?), meaning Henriksen eventually hears the commotion and
comes to investigate but is drunk and gets shot before he can do anything. But
this only serves to make October seem like even more of a sullen little bitch,
because come on, what the fuck was he supposed to do? Not be drunk on a weekend
in his own house? Be prepared to walk into his shed and see an armed psychopath
with two bound victims chained up?
 |
| Now THIS poster IS a blatant lie, but I think I'd much rather watch the imaginary movie it's advertising than the real one that exists. |
CHAINSAWNUKAH
2018 CHECKLIST!
Searching For Bloody
Pictures
TAGLINE
|
You Can’t Escape The Wilderness Within. I’m sure that means something to someone, somewhere.
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TITLE ACCURACY
|
The only possible interpretation is that it
refers to the familial link between father and son, but genetics play no role
in the plot.
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LITERARY ADAPTATION?
|
No
|
SEQUEL?
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None
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REMAKE?
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None
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COUNTRY OF ORIGIN
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USA
|
HORROR SUB-GENRE
|
Creature-feature, also some kind of zombie
ghouls show up at the end, and it briefly gets kinda torture-porny for a
while during one flashback.
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SLUMMING A-LISTER?
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None
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BELOVED HORROR ICON?
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Lance Henriksen!
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NUDITY?
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Don’t think so.
|
SEXUAL ASSAULT?
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Yeah, and a pretty nasty, unpleasant one at
that.
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WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!
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No
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GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?
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I guess some zombies? Or maybe they’re just a
metaphor?
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POSSESSION?
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No
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CREEPY DOLLS?
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None
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EVIL CULT?
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None.
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MADNESS?
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Crazy stalker/killer
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TRANSMOGRIFICATION?
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None.
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VOYEURISM?
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The killer watched October and Iris bone naked
outside.
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MORAL OF THE STORY
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If you’re going to blast somebody’s beloved
dog to pieces with a shotgun, maybe at least open with “hey you might want to
stand back.”
|
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