The Nightmare

The Nightmare (2015)

Dir. Rodney Ascher

You awake in the middle of the night and find that you can’t move. Your eyes are open, but your body is completely paralyzed, leaving you unable to do so much as make a sound. And then, a figure appears. It’s shadowy, but its eyes are red, and as it menacingly approaches, you struggle in a panic, to resist, to turn away, to scream. But you can’t.

This sound like a horror movie, but actually it’s a well-documented real-life phenomenon known as sleep paralysis. It’s common enough that a 2011 study  found that as many as 7.6% of the population has experienced it as some point in their lives. Historically, many cultures have had names and elaborate folk explanations for the phenomenon, attributing it to demons, “Old Hag,” Incubus and Succubus. John Henry Fuseli’s famous 1782 painting The Nightmare, and many similar images, are thought to portray the experience. Today, it is considered in more medical terms. Doctors theorize that it is related to REM atonia, the natural paralysis the body undergoes during REM sleep to prevent the limbs and body from moving and “acting out” dreams. When REM atonia fails, it can lead to sleepwalking -- but when it succeeds in the absence of unconsciousness, a state called hypnogogic or hypnopompic paralysis can result, wherein the brain continues to dream and the body continues to be paralyzed, but parts of the mind “wake up” to experience it. In this state, vivid visual and auditory hallucinations can occur, including the common sensations of “tingling” or “vibrating,” hearing voices (often threatening ones), feeling “crushed” “smothered,” and seeing terrifying “intruder” figures, which are typically shadowy and menacing.

I mention all this, because this documentary doesn’t. This is not a documentary made with the aim of educating you about the phenomenon of sleep paralysis. There is almost no historical or cultural context. There are no doctors interviewed. No statistic cited. Similar to director Rob Ascher’s previous film, the half-fascinating, half-intolerable ROOM 237, THE NIGHTMARE is a surprisingly --almost experimentally--  limited in its scope. The totality of its runtime is devoted to eight longtime sleep paralysis sufferers, who tell their stories while reenactors dramatize them. It is interested exclusively in the subjective experiences of these people, and parses those experience for meaning only to the extent that the speakers themselves offer. It offer no commentary, no perspective; just a medium for eight people from different walks to life to relate their own tales of personal hell. The result is something of a grown-up version of sitting around the campfire telling ghost stories with eight strangers. Are You Afraid of The Dark, the documentary version. You may find this approach refreshingly succinct or irritatingly limited, but that’s what you get.

It’s also a very particular campfire ghost story session, because they’ve only invited people who want to tell the same story. The details vary, but when you come down to it these people are all here because they’ve had, in essence, the same experience, which all pretty much just boils down to waking up, being unable to move, and seeing (or, in one particularly uneventful telling, not seeing but “sensing”) a shadowy, malevolent presence in the room. Some experiences get a little more complicated, but that’s the meat of every one of them. Especially early on, the stories are nearly identical. So a lot of your potential enjoyment here is going to depend on exactly how much milage you’re going to get out of that basic setup.

Me, I like it. In fact, the repetition is actually part of the spooky charm to me, because man, what the fuck!? All these people, totally unconnected to each other in any way, having the same scary vision of shadowy people menacing them at their most vulnerable? I’ve seen enough horror movies to know this doesn’t end well. It’s undeniably repetitive, but the interviewees are convincing, and if you’re the sort to be unnerved by creepy ghost stories, their obvious real-life anxiety is infectious and effective. And even if it’s really only got one move, it still manages to build and escalate as the stories get more elaborate.

It’s also maybe the only horror movie I’ve ever seen which indirectly threatens the viewer. Multiple interviewees say they only experienced the phenomenon after someone else had told them about it. It spreads, like a virus, as more people learn about it. Thanks, THE NIGHTMARE, how am I supposed to sleep tonight now? What is this, THE RING?

Stylistically, the film has a few annoying tendencies, like its occasional unnecessarily arty decision to show off the backstage setups for the dream re-enactments. Ooh, meta, you’re blowin’ our minds here. And one interviewee --the one with the least interesting story, to boot-- irritatingly takes a sharp left into Jesus-ville towards the end. But the reenactments, simple as they are, are genuinely pretty terrifying, and accurately capture what it’s like to have a strange nightmare in which things which cannot be real become real. There’s probably a more comprehensive documentary to be made about this fascinating subject someday, but THE NIGHTMARE gets its milage from being totally subjective; whatever’s really happening, its power is these people really truly believe they’re suffering from a force not of this earth, which gives it some real punch that actors never could. It’s that little slice of reality that turns this from a fairly undistinguished ghost story into a real life ghost story, which, for my money, was always the best kind of campfire tale. If you’re all all susceptible to this sort of nonsense, it virtually promises to provide nightmares in spades. Certainly, it’s the only horror film I know of which, by the very act of watching, makes you more likely to end up in the sequel.

But it’s also a documentary about nightmares that put my viewing companion to sleep. So your mileage may vary.

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2015 CHECKLIST!

Play it Again, Samhain

• TAGLINE: Welcome To The Scariest Place On Earth (the poster is a picture of a pillow)
• LITERARY ADAPTATION: No
• SEQUEL: None
• REMAKE: None
• DEADLY IMPORT FROM: USA
• FOUND-FOOTAGE CLUSTERFUCK: No
• SLUMMING A-LISTER: None
• BELOVED HORROR ICON: None
• BOOBIES: None
• MULLETS: None
• SEXUAL ASSAULT: There is a sexual element to some of the stories, though we don’t really see anything.
• DISMEMBERMENT PLAN: None
• HAUNTED HOUSE: ...maybe? Haunted beds, perhaps? Is that the problem?
• MONSTER: Some kinda demon-looking thing
• THE UNDEAD: There’s an implication we’re seeing ghosts, sure
• POSSESSION: Something like this is described
• SLASHER/GIALLO: No.
• PSYCHO KILLERS (Non-slasher variety): No
• EVIL CULT: Nah
• (UNCANNY) VALLEY OF THE DOLLS: None
• EGYPTO-CRYPTO: No
• TRANSMOGRIFICATION: No
• VOYEURISM: The film is very much about things which are watching you sleep.
• OBSCURITY LEVEL: Mid-high, though it premiered this year and is on Netflix.
• MORAL OF THE STORY: Most unwelcomed dream visitors make way less puns than Freddy did.
• TITLE ACCURACY: Definitely about a nightmare, sure.
• ALEX MADE IT THROUGH AWAKE: Alas, no. She went to sleep in protest of its lack of hard data.

Tomie: Re-Birth

Tomie: Re-Birth (2001)

Dir. Takashi Shimizu

Written by Yoshinobu Fujioka Based on the manga series by Junji Ito

Starring Miki Sakai, Satoshi Tsumabuki, Masaya Kikawada, Kumiko Endô, Shugo Oshinari

There’s something about Tomie. People just get obsessed with her and kill her, and she comes back and weirds everyone out. That’s her gig: she’s some kind of supernatural being, I guess, with the solitary goal of making men (and sometimes women) psychotically fixate on her to the point where they murder and dismember her. You’d think that would pretty much be an endgame scenario, but that’s only the first part of her plan, because what she really wants to do is come back to life and torment them in bizarre, passive-aggressive ways. Tomie’s origins and motivations are entirely obscure, but she has this shit down to a fine art. There are currently eight movies in the series, which are unrelated and feature different actresses as Tomie, but are all riffs on this premise.

And boy, what to make of that? At first blush, it can hardly help but strike one as a particularly insidious male persecution fantasy. Here we have a series of men who become obsessed with a woman --who generally doesn’t even especially encourage them-- to the point where they go crazy and murder her, but the point of the movie is that they’re the victims here. Not only was she asking for it, she was demanding it, they’re the innocent victims of her evil, even though she didn’t technically, you know, do anything. But then there’s the whole regeneration thing: Tomie doesn’t just come back from the dead as a ghost, she regenerates herself from severed parts, and can seemingly infect other people like a virus. She proliferates herself through inciting violence against herself. It this, perhaps, some kind of metaphor for toxic victimhood, a condemnation of those social forces who court persecution in order to feel the empowering false righteousness of the aggrieved? And if not that, then what? And for that matter, what are we to even make of the premise more broadly? What do we even call this? Is this metaphor? Moralism? Magical realism? Psychological surrealism?

Oh wait, I just realised I know exactly what this is. It’s Japanese. So that explains it. If it was ever supposed to mean anything, you can bet you’re not going to be able to figure it out. Best to just enjoy the ride and not ask questions.

REBIRTH is actually the third installment of the TOMIE series (or fourth, depending on whether or not you count 1999’s TV anthology Another Face), which began in 1999 with the first TOMIE and ended (so far) most recently in 2011 with TOMIE: UNLIMITED. If you’re wondering why I skipped right to part III, well, it’s because I could. There’s no continuity of any kind --even cast-- within the series, so once you know what the deal is with Tomie, starting one place is as good as the next. Which is not to say that starting with any of them is an especially good idea; while there’s a case to be made for the cultural importance of the Tomie series due to its association with the first real wave of what would become known as J-horror, it doesn’t seem like anyone really regards them as good. My buddy Dan P (who was already familiar with the manga) took it upon himself to grind his way through the whole series during October last year, and his reports didn’t exactly inspire confidence in this concept. Taken from his twitter account, here is a log of his grueling journey into madness:

#Tomie Uneventful adaptation of a bizarre comic, goes out of its way to avoid the best parts from the source. Saving it for the sequels? C-

#TomieReplay A marked improvement over part 1, more eventful and actually uses some of the cool ideas from the source material. B-

#TomieRebirth Less eventful than #2, but more interesting & spooky. Still seems like no one understands what was good about the comics. B-

#Tomie #AnotherFace Chintzy TV miniseries adaptation isn't great, but benefits from shorter stories that get to the action quicker. C+

#Tomie #ForbiddenFruit Maybe it's just Stockholm Syndrome setting in, but I actually really dug this one. About time? B

#Tomie #Beginning Turns out the "beginning" is just another slow-mo rehashing of the same ideas. Not bad, but so much wasted potential! C

#Tomie #Revenge 7 movies deep and still it seems like the filmmakers have no idea what's cool about this premise. C-

#TomieVsTomie 8th in the series finally starts trying to play with the concept, although sadly it only leads to a small improvement. C+

#Tomie #Unlimited The final entry (good riddance!) is silly & stupid but the 1st to be fun, & chock full of weird monsters & body-horror. B

Original manga author Junji Ito was previously known to me as the guy who turned a rural town into were-snails in the movie version of his Uzumaki series (which is a favorite of mine) so the idea of another dip into total fucking weirdness has plenty of appeal to me. But the rap on the TOMIE movies is that they don’t really deliver as much concentrated nuttiness as the manga did; they seem to be pretty padded and one-note, without as much of the bizzaro body horror as you’d expect from anything adapted from Ito’s work. Nevertheless, I figured that with only so many movies produced in history that don’t star Julia Roberts, eventually Tomie and I would have to meet, so it might as well be on my own terms.

I selected Part III because of its director, Takashi Shimizu, notable for his relentless death march of sequels to his 2000 film JU-ON: THE CURSE, which include JU-ON: THE CURSE 2, JU-ON:THE GRUDGE, JU-ON: THE GRUDGE 2, THE GRUDGE, THE GRUDGE 2 and what appears to be about eight more sequels he produced but didn’t direct. Regardless of what you may think of his obsessive need to remake his two 1998 shorts KATASUMI and 4444444444 (which form the basis for all six of his JU-ON/THE GRUDGE films, which are all basically remixed versions of each other) he’s also something like an auteur in the once-exciting, now-unbearable subgenre of J-horror. If he didn’t invent the female ghost with long black hair that hides her face (FGLBHTHHF), he at least threw her a coming-out party for the world. We were all excited at first and it seemed fresh and new but then they really just ran it into the ground and that trope showed up in every single movie for years until we got first sick of it, and then actively angry at it, and finally sent it away forever in shame and ignominy. You know, the Benedict Cumberbatch effect. But there’s a little more to Shimizu than just his Grudge fixation (woah, I just realized he’s fixated on the idea of a creepy female ghost to the extent that he’s compelled to destroy it, which in turn causes it to replicate -- he was the perfect choice to direct a Tomie movie!) -- I liked his nifty meta-movie REINCARNATION a couple years back, and I’ve been hearing good things about his crazy sounding Christopher-Doyle-shot 3D flick TORMENTED. His style tends to be patient, quiet and classically shot, which I like, even though his movies don’t usually look that nice.* I reasoned that even if this whole Tomie thing doesn’t pan out for me, at least Shimizu would bring his usual sturdy professionalism.

And for a while, it works pretty well. Shimizu brings his style of staid, low-key tension to the proceedings, and Tomie beings some much-needed weirdness which generates a little energy. The film starts strong, dropping you right into the middle of the weirdness without explaining anything, as Tomie’s boyfriend paints her picture, freaks out and cuts her up, and then drags his two friends Takumi (Satoshi Tsumabuki, “mirror polisher” in Hou Hsiao-Hsien’s THE ASSASSIN, why not?) and Shunichi (Masaya Kikawada, BATTLE ROYAL 2) into helping him dispose of the body before killing himself. A rich, full day. Of course, it’s not long at all before Tomie (Miki Sakai, LOVE LETTERS) shows up again, first dragging Shunichi into the same cycle of obsession and murder, and then somehow “infecting” Takumi’s girlfriend Hitomi (Kumiko Endô, Japanese stuff you haven’t seen) and turning her into some kind of quasi-Tomie, I guess? Like everything Tomie, the details are a little hard to fathom, but of course it doesn’t really matter in the least, because it quickly spirals into a dour haze of paranoia and bizarre imagery.

It’s not wall-to-wall surrealism, but Shimizu does heroically deliver some respectable weirdness; in the film’s standout sequence, Shunichi and his mother go into some kind of trance and ecstatically saw Tomie’s body apart, only to have the pieces grow tiny limbs and come back at them. Later, a corpse turns into a furry Chewbacca with sentient hair tentacles. So there’s enough Ito in there for you to feel like you’re getting your money’s worth. Shimizu imbues the whole thing a nicely dread-inducing atmosphere, and the actors (particularly Tsumabuki and Kikawada) do a nice job of selling their mix of panic and obsession. Together they work up a respectably feverish paranoia that gives the film plenty of kick, despite the fact that the freakouts of surreal weirdness are somewhat sparingly applied.

Things do fall apart a bit at the end, however, when the film’s second plotline -- Hitomi becoming infected by Tomie and increasingly taking on her characteristics -- becomes more prominent. Tomie’s earlier takeover of Shunichi’s life is strange and inexplicable in a good way, substituting nightmarish imagery and a skin-crawling predatory vibe for more traditional horror beats. But the conflict between Hitomi and Tomie is inexplicable in a less rewarding way, partly because it hews closer to those very traditional horror beats that the rest of the movie mostly avoids. Possession horror is nothing new in horror movies, but being possessed or infected (or whatever) with/by Tomie is less interesting than simply being affected by her, simply because Tomie is such an undefined character. What would it mean to turn into a Tomie? It’s not really clear, so the stakes here are a little too undefined for the tension to gain much of a foothold. Worse, after a whole movie of being a completely opaque, unknowable force of nature, the finale turns Tomie into a speechifying Bond villain, complete with a nonsensical monologue demanding that Takumi “choose” between the two Tomies. But obviously there’s no way of knowing what the fuck is going on here, or what the ramifications of either choice would be, so it’s dramatically kind of inert.

It does provide a moment of intriguing philosophy when Tomie gets annoyed with Takumi asking what she is, and asks him rhetorically why HE’s alive. Tomie’s just Tomie, man, stop trying to put a label on everything. That kind of unknowable menace suits her a lot better than villainous pontification. I’d prefer she stay completely opaque, maybe to the point where it's hard to know if she’s even sentient in a human sort of way. She works better as a creepy parody of humanity than she does as a supervillain who seems to make plans and issue ultimatums.

Her taunts to Takumi --that he’s only with Hitomi in the first place for the sake of convenience, and that he’s so cold to her he didn’t even notice she’s turning into Tomei-- are a little more interesting because they’re probably true, and at least have the benefit of not demystifying Tomie as much. But if that angle is not totally ignored by the script, it also doesn’t really add up to anything, since Takumi himself is kind of a cypher, too. Tomie presents such a bizarre conflict for the characters that it’s somewhat understandable that they’re not too relatable, but that certainly undercuts any interest we could take in their personal drama. And it doesn’t help that --as usual with Japanese movies-- there are a few things I think I missed culturally, one of them being, how old are these kids, exactly? They seem pretty young (at least two seem to live with their moms) but they also drive cars and get drunk at fancy bars. Nobody seems to have a job or be in school. Maybe this all takes place over summer vacation?

Anyway, the finale deflates a bit, but mostly it’s pretty good. Shimizu has the discipline to put this bizzaro concept into a deliberately-paced, quiet world which almost evokes Kiyoshi Kurosawa in its stately dread (though not in its technical prowess). It’s a risky decision, but I think it pays off here in making Tomie seem even more alien and nightmarish, an element that infiltrates the hum-drum normalcy of this world and disrupts it in ways which are impossible to explain or anticipate. Still, it could probably use about 20% more weirdness. That’s the biggest complaint people always seem to make about these Tomie films; for such a weird concept, the movies tend not to go whole-hog with it as much as they could, and this one is no exception. TOMIE: REBIRTH has flashes of full-on insanity, and handles its slow-burn dread quite masterfully as well, but it’s probably a little more staid and responsible than is really good for it. But oh well, they’ll get plenty more chances. Tomie always says “See you soon,” (which is pretty much already Schwarzenegger’s catchphrase, but i guess it works for her too) knowing full well that if she didn’t get the job done this time, there’s always movie #9 waiting for her down the road.

*Apparently he studied under Kiyoshi Kurosawa, who helps him get his early films off the ground. That explains the icy tone and deliberate pace, but I wish he had learned a little more about content.

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2015 CHECKLIST!

Play it Again, Samhain

• TAGLINE: None Apparent
• LITERARY ADAPTATION: Yes, a loose adaptation of Junji Ito's Tomie series, particularly his stories "painter" and "hair."
• SEQUEL: Third or fourth (depending on how you count) in the so-far 8-movie TOMIE series.
• REMAKE: No, this is one of the only J-horror staples which didn't get an embarassing American remake.
• DEADLY IMPORT FROM: Japan
• FOUND-FOOTAGE CLUSTERFUCK: No
• SLUMMING A-LISTER: None
• BELOVED HORROR ICON: None
• BOOBIES: None
• MULLETS: None
• SEXUAL ASSAULT: No
• DISMEMBERMENT PLAN: Total dismemberment, but that's not the end of it.
• HAUNTED HOUSE: No
• MONSTER: I think this is the closest fit.
• THE UNDEAD: I think she's more "monster" than "undead"
• POSSESSION: Yes, but Tomie, or something.
• SLASHER/GIALLO: No.
• PSYCHO KILLERS (Non-slasher variety): Yes, Tomie turns people into homicidal maniacs, at least against her.
• EVIL CULT: Nah
• (UNCANNY) VALLEY OF THE DOLLS: None

Demon Wind

Demon Wind (1990)

Dir and written by Charles Philip Moore

Starring Eric Larson, Francine Lapensée, Rufus Nirris, Jack Forcinito, Stephen Quadros, Mark David Fritsche… I could go on.

In the violent final throes of the 1980’s (1990), this guy Cory (Eric Lawson, DEMON WIND) heads back to his ancestral home in rural Bumfuck, Nowhere to find some answers about why his dad was such a jerk. For some reason he decides to bring along every single person he’s ever met in his life on this painful journey into his family’s dark past, so many in fact that they just keep showing up throughout the entire movie. I think there are like four carloads to start with, and more just keep arriving. And they are among the most aggressively 80’s crews I’ve ever encountered in cinema, covering every stock type from the ubiquitous “knockoff Biff from BACK TO THE FUTURE” and “cardigan nerd” to the somewhat more exotic “kung fu magician” type (more on him later). Wouldn’t you know it, though, the ignorant, untrustworthy locals (eew, poor people!) are clumsily trying to hinder them without explaining why they’re hiding these deadly secrets.

Fortunately, we already know what the gig is, because we saw the opening, where Cory’s ancestral home is under siege by demons. Grandma’s some kinda white witch Harry Potter good guy wizard type, but things are not going well. The demons take possession of Grandpa, who throws up tapioca and then kills Granny, who inexplicably rejoins, “if this crystal breaks, we both die” before dropping a snow globe which blows up the house, why not? Seems’ Cory’s dad, who had just been born and was still in the hospital, was the only survivor, a fact which really seems to have fucked with the old guys’s head, and caused Cory to go on this journey in the first place. Outside, there’s a crucified body on fire, and although it will never be explained who that was or what the deal is with it, it’s a nice detail.

The two openings establish the two competing tones of the movie, which are a) transgressive gothic horror and b) trashy 80’s teen bodycount schlock. Obviously it’s far better at being the latter than the former --the Donald Trump campaign ad which precedes the movie on Youtube is far more terrifying*-- but its ambitions toward provocative religious imagery and disturbing ideas definitely give it some flavor, and contribute to its enviable surplus of total fucking weirdness. I mean, it’s a bad movie, but it’s a standout bad movie, absolutely packed with nutty ideas. It seems like it must take a lot of cues from EVIL DEAD (cabin the in woods, people possessed by demons in gross shiny makeup, magic book of spells, portal to hell) but also seems to want to play it really straight, which makes the howlingly bad acting all the more enjoyable. It’s like if people with less talent than Sam Raimi tried to remake EVIL DEAD 2 without understanding that it’s a comedy.

Anyway, its assertive 80’s-ness defines it at least as much as its horror tropes. Expect to see a cornucopia of late-80’s glory, from the requisite mullets, rattails and perms, to a big dangly earring on one guy, to the aforementioned two guys who show up dressed like wizard vampires and do kung fu and then never do that again.** The two magician kung fu guys get into some serious fucking bromancing; they spend their last night on Earth telling each other supportive things about how cool they both are. And then have a long discussion about where they want to go on vacation together when they get through this (spoiler: it’s a good thing they didn’t book those tickets). And then a naked woman shows up, and they both just contemptuously dismiss her as a “demon.” I mean, they’re right, obviously, but come on guys, let’s have a little enthusiasm for those titties.

There’s a lot of charmingly boneheaded stuff like that. Some examples: A) Cory’s girlfriend, sensing that her mopey fellah is experiencing emotions (he’s just had a vision that he was naked in a supernatural gas station and his mom talked in a demon voice with her throat cut) tries to cheer him up by taking her pants off in the diner they’re standing in and wiggling her butt at him. He appreciates the gesture, I’m sure. B) When nobody wants a beer, the frosted-tips puffy-vest- wearing asshole friend demands, “What is this, ‘just say no’ week?!” “Not for me!” his girlfriends say defensively. “That’s why I keep her around,” he purrs, and they make out for an uncomfortably long time while the camera notes the condemning reaction of every single person at the table. C) One couple show up out of the blue in the last 20 minutes, and are really surprised to learn about all the demons and stuff. I don’t know if they just got stuck in traffic or what, but they really could not have picked a worse time to arrive. Check out this guy’s reaction to seeing his girlfriend about to be eaten by a satanic cow skull. Poor guy seems real bummed out about it:

Cory must be a much cooler guy than he lets on during the events of this movie, because his friends are almost unreasonably supportive. In fact, they’ve all driven god-knows-how-long to join him, and he hasn’t even told them why until they arrive at their destination. When he explains he’s looking for answers as to what evil forces killed his grandparents and drove his alcoholic father to suicide, everyone takes it in stride. These are some really good friends, right here. Hopefully he got them all some real nice Christmas gifts last year (especially since he’s not going to have another chance with most of them, spoiler). They stick with him despite the obvious evil around them and the skeletons and demonic knives and everything way longer than it would be at all reasonable to expect. But even once they correctly decide no good can come of staying, they find they can’t leave because an evil mist descends on them and every time they drive into it, they just end up at the house again. So it’s sort of like THE MIST meets THE EXTERMINATING ANGEL, with a generous helping of crappiness on top. Anyway, surprise surprise, things quickly escalate into a demonic siege, and our beloved crew start to get bumped off one by one (but even then, they don’t seem to be as bitter about being dragged into this as they ought to be).

I really like his stabby face here.

Most of the movie plays out as clunky and low-budget as you’d expect. There’s plenty of demons in gross makeup, but a lot of the time they just shamble around and say threatening things in a distorted voice. And there’s certainly no shortage of goofy side characters having long, inane conversations about their stupid lives. But for a no-budget, indie horror film from a first-time director, it’s not short on ambition or elbow grease. There are usually no less than five and often many more elaborately masked demon actors in makeup at once, that had to take some time. There’s a stop-motion cattle skull that grabs a lady with a long tongue and bites her head off. A bunch of severed heads and limbs, a pretty cool ruined house set, a full-body master demon suit complete with hooves. They set a stuntman in full costume on fire. Plus a bunch of awesome 80’s lightning and a huge explosion (see Exhibits A, B, and C). It’s still dumb as rocks, but boy, you can’t fault its effort. Also at the start of the climax, the hero kicks the giant demon right in the nuts. And that’s after he’s (spoiler?) turned into some kind of crazy space elf angel.

Let’s keep the SPOILERS rolling and talk about that finale for a minute. Like most of the movie, it’s stupid but ambitious, and you have to admit it goes everywhere you don’t expect. To fulfill some sort of vague prophecy, our boy turns into some kind of crazy angel in what you assume will be the last 5 minutes. But actually there are 15 more minutes after that, all of them containing new twists. He’s an angel! No wait, it was a dream! No wait, it wasn’t a dream after all! Wait, that’s his dead father trying to punch him! Oh good, the monster’s on fire and everything is OK! Oh wait, it’s not OK, there’s one more demon! Oh wait, they killed it. Oh wait, there’s one more! Charmingly enough, they make a big deal throughout the whole movie about this set of seven magic daggers which will destroy the dark one. But then they only ever have two, and they throw them both away stabbing minor demons. That doesn’t seem to stop their victory at the end, though. I guess those were optional. It works just as well to set the dark one on fire.

Anyway, DEMON WIND obviously is not a movie I could objectively call “good”, but if you’d be into a super weird mix of low-budget late-80s schlock and lots of freewheeling straight-faced craziness, this is pretty much a goldmine. Add plenty of alcohol, and you’ve got yourself a real howling good time.

In conclusion, yes, there should have been a fart joke in this review. Thank you.***

Appendix A: Alternate Opinion:

“Demon wind is a great horror movie it shows what could happen if people are satanic worshippers and do witch craft. It's a way better horror movie the the horror movies now days they use to much cgi and poor acting story's aren't even good in the now day horror movies. Back then they looked real and the acting was way better. It has a darker gloomy feel to them back in the days. Now it's just action and crap. They should make demon wind 2 cause after Cory left there were still demons out there. The Devils son was creepy has hell and ugly. So are the demons and the way the wind sounded was evil demon wind is a 5 star horror movie and iv seen a lot of horror movies but non has creepy has demon wind it has a life like feel to it. If people paid Attention to the movie and the story they would understand what it's about there isn't any zombies they are corys family body's possessed by demons they walk creepy and slow cause the body's are dead and stiff." -- youtube commenter adrian quinonez

*Boy, there’s a sentence I sure hope will look crazy in a few years.

** One of those guys, incidentally, is Stephen Quadros, a longtime MMA commentator and sometimes B-movie star (he’s worked with Traci Lords, Chuck Norris, AND O.J. Simpson!). He also worked as fight choreographer on EXIT WOUNDS and CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE. This guy’s a regular renaissance man, and that’s before I even mention that his uncited but curiously detailed wikipedia page claims he once auditioned to be the drummer for KISS. The only other cast member who seems to have gone on to anything noteworthy is a guy who plays an uncredited demon, apparently Hollywood Superstar Lou Diamond Phillips, if IMDB can be trusted. Although actress Sherri Lee, who plays “Bonnie” whoever that might be, did stunts in THE KINGDOM, 24, Breaking Bad, and, uh, SID AND NANCY. I’m not sure I remember too many female stunts in SID AND NANCY, but maybe it was because they were so convincing.

*** Dan P: I think the phrase originates from Shakespeare:

"Hark! A demon wind doth infiltrate the defenses of mine nostrils. Didst thou sup on cabbage this prior evening?"

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2015 CHECKLIST!

Play it Again, Samhain

• TAGLINE: There's Something Deadly In the Air. It'll Blow You Away.
• LITERARY ADAPTATION: No
• SEQUEL: None. IMDB says "A sequel was planned, but never materialized." Shame, that.
• REMAKE: No
• DEADLY IMPORT FROM: USA
• FOUND-FOOTAGE CLUSTERFUCK: No
• SLUMMING A-LISTER: Possibly, if IMDB is to be believed, Hollywood Superstar Lou Diamond Phillips in his pre-fame years as one of the demons.
• BELOVED HORROR ICON: None.
• BOOBIES: Yes
• MULLETS: Definitely
• SEXUAL ASSAULT: No
• DISMEMBERMENT PLAN: Head kicked off, hand chopped off, head ripped off.
• HAUNTED HOUSE: Yes, though by demons instead of the standard ghosts. But it's definitely the house that's the problem.
• MONSTER: Tons of demons, including a super-demon of some sort.
• THE UNDEAD: Most of the people killed come back as demons.
• POSSESSION: Yes, we got people getting all demon-y willy-nilly.
• SLASHER/GIALLO: No.
• PSYCHO KILLERS (Non-slasher variety): No
• EVIL CULT: Definitely; turns out this whole fiasco was the product of some dickhole preacher who decided to get all satan-y. And this is one of the rare cases where you can't just go "well, to be fair, he turned out to be right, that magic shit is definitely real and I don't see organized religion doing any damn good at all," because Heaven intervenes on our behalf and turns our guy into an asskicking space elf.
• (UNCANNY) VALLEY OF THE DOLLS: One of the girls gets turned into a bloody baby doll, for some unknown reason.
• EGYPTO-CRYPTO: No
• TRANSMOGRIFICATION: Everyone turns into demons, our guy turns into... something else?
• VOYEURISM: Yeah, the waitress at the local diner peeps the girlfriend taking off her pants and awkwardly shaking her ass around/.
• OBSCURITY LEVEL: Incredibly high, but you can get it on youtube if you're so inclined.
• MORAL OF THE STORY: Thomas Wolfe was wrong. You can go home again, but there will be demons there, and also some horseshit about magic daggers. Frankly you're better off not bothering.
• TITLE ACCURACY: Definitely a bunch of demons, there's no wind though. What, was "DEMON MIST" taken or something? 50%.
• ALEX MADE IT THROUGH AWAKE: N/A.

Ok, this is objectively a terrible piece of shit, but I can't in good conscience give 2 or less to anything which delighted me so much.