Zombie Nightmare (1986 /
7)
Dir. Jack Bravman, John Fasano (uncredited)
Written by John Fasano as "David Wellington"
Starring Adam West, Tia Carrere, Jon Mikl Thor, Shawn
Levy
I’d been on the trail of
ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE for years before I finally caught up with it, going
back at least to 2014, when I discovered its existence after mistyping the search terms for HARD ROCK ZOMBIES. At the time, though, I simply couldn’t get
ahold of a copy – couldn’t find it on pirate bay, wasn’t streaming, no DVD
available, VHS copies on amazon running for more than the zero dollars I was
willing to pay. I settled for its sister film, the delightful ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE, also released on video in 1987 (Wikipedia
claims, with no citation, that ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE received a “limited release
theatrically” in the US in in 1986; I have my doubts). Even aside from their analogous sobriquets, the films have much in common: both were shot in
the Canadian suburbs around the same time, both were the creative brainchild of the underrated John
Fasano (director of BLACK ROSES, THE JITTERS and ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE, who, despite receiving neither credit on-screen, seems to be generally regarded as the writer-director here), and, most importantly,
both feature the involvement of a man named Jon Mikl Thor, bodybuilder, actor, former Mr. Canada, and
“Legendary Rock Warrior” as he billed himself in his bands Thor (just Thor), Thor
and the Imps, and, if his Wikipedia page is to believed, “Thor and the Ass
Boys.”
ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE is
a goddamn masterpiece of Z-movie goofiness and monster puppets which really took me by surprise when I blindly watched it after having failed to secure a copy of ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE back in 2014. So when its elusive zombie-themed brethern suddenly showed up out of the blue on Prime streaming –in a pristine
HD print, no less!— of course I jumped at the opportunity. That’s the weird
thing about the brave new world of streaming; in some ways, it’s probably made
the job of the offbeat cinephile more difficult, turning films into transient, ephemeral
things which can suddenly vanish from the world in the blink of an eye and be
utterly inaccessible to anyone who lacks a real-world video store which held
onto an increasingly rare physical copy. But on the other hand, every now and
then wildly obscure, impossible-to-find stuff just shows up, a click of the
finger away, apparently unaware that yesterday it was more recherché than
unicorn steak. If that diminishes the thrill of the hunt somewhat, it does
afford the pastime a giddy quality of capricious fate; apparently the
universe would like me to see ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE now, one says with a shrug. Yesterday
this would have been a Herculean task, today it’s instant and free. C’est la
vie, apparently the quantum physicists were right and anything can happen at
any time for no reason, and you might as well just surrender your free will to
the fickle vagary of a random, meaningless universe where Trump is president
and now, for some reason, ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE is just there, waiting to be
watched.
This man is seconds from saying "sorry ma" with the highest possible volume of Canadian-ness |
Still, credit for this:
the script by Fasano (hiding behind the mysterious name "Dave Wellington" for reasons he claims have to do with the Canadian copyright law and not shame at having been associate with this debacle) is, like his ROCK N’ ROLL
NIGHTMARE script, actually at least a little smarter and coherent than you
would assume at first blush. It begins with something completely unexpected,
anyway: some indeterminate number of years before the main events of the movie, a young African-American girl (Tracy Biddle, SNAKE EATER II: THE DRUG
BUSTER) is walking home, only to be accosted by two racist punks (possibly
Tony Blauer [nothing] and Mark Kulik [“boy in line” in the 1987 Tommy Lee Jones
starring TV movie BROKEN VOWS], both of whom are just credited as “teenager”). Fortunately,
there’s help nearby: stocky local baseball player William Washington (Fasano himself!)
intervenes, only to receive a fatal stabbing from one of the young rascals as
they make a getaway! Meanwhile, William’s young son Tony watches in horror.
Flash forward to today. Woah! Certainly not the way I was expecting a movie called ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE to begin. This
rather shocking prologue of racist violence helps inform our understanding of
why young Tony has by 1986 grown up to be a baseball-playing bodybuilding sweatpants aficionado
played by Jon Mikl Thor (RECRUITS, INTERCESSOR: ANOTHER ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE).
And it makes his willingness to put his life on the line in a Steven
Seagal-esque* attempt to foil a grocery store robbery all the more
psychologically rich, as we worry that history will repeat itself and this
second-generation good Samaritan will suffer the
same fate as his old man. But no, he tosses the miscreants out on their asses with
a righteous professionalism that would make Patrick Swayze in ROADHOUSE proud,
and it seems for a moment that this might bring some closure to this saga of multigenerational
heroism. I mean, he doesn’t look like he’s thinking about it too deeply,
or noticing the unmistakable patrilineal synchronicity he’s enacted. But then
again, he doesn’t have much time to reflect, because about four seconds after
foiling the robbery, he’s run over by an unrelated car and killed. Damn.
I guess he technically
one-upped his dad by at least surviving til the end of the encounter, but
still, one can understand why his mom (Francesca Bonasorsa, nothing) takes this
turn of events pretty hard. “They won’t do this to me again!” she fumes. And
she means it, because next thing you know she’s called in a favor; it seems
that the young woman her husband died protecting all those years ago has grown
into a Voodoo practitioner of some renown (Manuska Rigaud, nothing) and, with a
little coaxing, is willing to resurrect the fallen lad as a vengeance-minded zombie
who sometimes is (and sometimes is not) still played by Jon Mikl Thor.
Look, I'm not going to try and claim this is not racist, but all things considered, it's probably as minimally racist as it was possible to be with this premise. At least she's the good guy! |
For the most part these victims are too shockingly bland to be worth discussing, although two of the actors portraying them subsequently proved noteworthy: the role of Jane A.
Finalgirl is played by future Hollywood superstar Tia Carrere (WAYNE’S WORLD,
TRUE LIES) in her first role (despite being so much more attractive than anyone else that it's functionally destabilizing for the movie, she still barely registers in a part which barely qualifies as a role), and, even weirder, future Middlebrow Hollywood Hack director
Shawn Levy (CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN, NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM) appears as the most
intolerable asshole of the group. Even with Carrere in there, though, the idea
of spending a whole movie focused on these dipshits is laughable, so once the
teens start getting bumped off one by one, the movie offers a new possible
protagonist (at more than 40 minutes in!), police detective Frank Sorrell (Frank Dietz,THE JITTERS, BLACK ROSES and
ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE, also a longtime Disney animator, with various credits
on HERCULES, MULAN, TARZAN, and FANTASIA 2000, among others). And here the movie
gets very slightly more interesting, because Sorrell has a vague suspicion that
his shady boss Captain Churchman (Adam West, among other things, episodes of The
Love Boat and The Adventures of Pete and Pete) would prefer this
whole thing to just go away, and isn’t interested in getting to the truth.
Unfortunately the zombie
killings themselves are pretty dull stuff, mostly bloodless affairs which grind
endlessly on as the incredibly inept victims ineffectually try to get away from
a slow, stumbling assailant in matte gray makeup and uncomfortably revealing
sweatpants. The first two kills, at least, have the advantage of taking place
in some sort of bizarre dystopian modernist nightmare rec center, which affords a touch of
actual unsettling ambiance which is otherwise almost entirely lacking. But when
even the murder of the biggest jerk in Canada --by impalement with a baseball bat while he’s attempting to
sexually assault a waitress, no less!— feels perfunctory and bloodless, I think it’s time to admit you don’t really have a movie,
here. It’s nice to see West dutifully show up every now and again (even if he’s
visibly reading his lines off the paper in front of him in one scene) but a few
clips of Adam West and a few more of a pale-faced guy in sweatpants stumbling
after a handful of screaming teenagers does not a Zombie Nightmare make. It’s
not even colorful enough to be worth laughing at its incompetence, because for
the most part there’s just nothing much going on.
I guess this is as good a time as any to mention that this film is probably most known for the famously savage reception it got on Mystery Science Theater 3000. |
In the Jon Mikl Thor
cannon, this also leaves a little to be desired, particularly for people who
enjoy seeing Mr. Thor on-screen. Apparently production began with a different
Canadian bodybuilder in the title role (a Mr. “Peewee Piemonte” if IMDB is to
be believed, a prolific stuntman and sometimes actor [UNDER SEIGE, BATMAN
FOREVER, WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S II])** and obviously they shot a good bit of the
zombie footage before he departed, because maybe as much as half the zombie
shots are obviously a different actor with short, dark hair instead of Thor’s flowing
hair metal mane (he also has a less prominent package, making the jarring continuity
something of a mixed blessing). But if the movie shortchanges you on the Thor
zombie action, it makes up for it with more Thor in every other part of the
movie. Aside from intermittently playing the zombie, Thor did everything but
cater the meals on the film; he wrote and performed the incidental music (under
the clever nom du guerre “Thor and his Thorkestra”), and produced the extensive and inappropriately
hard-rocking soundtrack, which at first glance seems to be a varied rouges gallery
of unknown Canadian metal bands, until you look at the credits and see that
Thor himself wrote, produced, and appears on over half of them.
Sometimes it’s under his
own name (as in the epic prog anthem “Rebirth” by Thor) sometimes it’s in
disguise (“Dead Things” by The Things and “Zombie Life” by Knighthawk have the
same lineup as Thor’s band), sometimes only as a producer (“I’m Dangerous!” by
Death Mask, produced by Jon Mikl Thor and Steve Price), sometimes in rather more
esotetic ways (The “Pantera” who sings “Midnight Man” is not, in fact, the
Pantera you’re thinking of, but rather Thor’s wife Rusty Hamilton, herself an
actress*** and nude model who also sang backup for Thor).**** In fact, one of the
few tracks which does not feature Jon Mikl Thor is also the one you would
figure would be too expensive for the movie – Motörhead’s “Ace of Spades,”
which inexplicably plays during the opening credits. I don’t really know why
they would feel the need to begin a movie which is in no way rock and roll (and,
in fact, begins at least a decade in the past) with the hard-driving sound of Motörhead’s most
recognizable single,***** but it definitely imparts
upon the movie an unearned sense of credibility for it to fail to live up to.
Anyway, the whole thing
is kinda a debacle and an inauspicious start for all involved. Still, especially
after listening to the commentary with Fasano, Dietz, and an over-the-phone Thor,
it’s hard not to feel at least a little well-disposed to such a scrappy little
film, made by people dedicated enough to just replace their lead zombie halfway through and
keep moving forward. It’s a movie without much whammy to speak of, but with no
shortage of charming, handmade oddness. That’s not enough to keep its
unassuming 89 minutes from
dragging a bit, but at least it’s something. And unlike most regional horror flicks
which were shot for less than $180,000 (most of which, reportedly, went to
West), this time we have the added comfort of knowing that most of those
involved don’t need to settle for a patronizing “well, at least you tried.” This
movie didn’t really work out, but they moved on to better things. Let that be a
lesson to you: never give up. Sure, a lot of times life just doesn’t work out
the way you want, and you end up making (or watching) a ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE. But if
you stick with it, just around the corner could be your ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE! Amazon may want to convince us that the world is random and meaningless and anything
can happen for no reason, but good old fashion misplaced optimism, feckless
ambition, and hopeless persistence can still pay off in the end. And if not, at least you can come back as a zombie and brutalize your enemies.
** Weirdly, Seagal will remain a theme here. Not only is it an extremely Seagalesque move to open a movie by foiling a small-time retail robbery, but Thor claims that Seagal himself taught him how to stage fight scenes! And, as we will discover, the "other" Thor who appears on-screen had his own run-ins with Seagal as a stuntman on several of his films.
** Including, according to IMDB, in JACOB’S
LADDER (uncredited), THE GODFATHER PART III (uncredited), OUT FOR JUSTICE, UNDER
SEIGE and… NEWSIES?
*** She appears as “The Seductress” in ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE, and
has a stunts credit in the 1992 Willem Dafoe action flick WHITE SANDS.
**** Please note the seemingly unimportant detail that the soundtrack
was recorded, in part, at Ontario-based Triton Studios. This turns out to be vital information for your understanding of ROCK N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE, because in that movie Thor’s band is called “Triton” and
his character is named “Jon Mikl Triton.” There. Now you know something.
***** Website horrormetalsounds.com reports that “John Fasano
originally wanted to use another Motorhead song Killed By Death as he
thought it would fit the movie better, but Lemmy insisted they use Ace Of
Spades." I don’t know why he would insist on that, but who am I to
tell Lemmy his business? Anyway, it definitely makes both the movie and the
soundtrack initially feel way more legit than they actually are.
CHAINSAWNUKAH 2019 CHECKLIST!
For
Richer or Horror
TAGLINE
|
And Here’s A Zombie Tale That Will Give You The Creeps.
I appreciate the tagline starting with “and,” a startling
bit of grammar-bending ambition which imparts the sense that you and the poster
are old chums already deep in conversation.
|
TITLE ACCURACY
|
There is a zombie, but “Nightmare” is sure pushing it.
|
LITERARY ADAPTATION?
|
No, good god, no.
|
SEQUEL?
|
None
|
REMAKE?
|
None.
|
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN
|
Canada
|
HORROR SUB-GENRE
|
Zombie, revenge thriller
|
SLUMMING A-LISTER?
|
I can’t in good conscience call Adam West an A-lister,
or even Tia Carrere, but it’s kinda impressive to have em both in here.
|
BELOVED HORROR ICON?
|
John Fasano
|
NUDITY?
|
None.
|
SEXUAL ASSAULT?
|
One teen meets his end while assaulting a woman,
although it’s pretty tame
|
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!
|
None
|
GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?
|
Yup
|
POSSESSION?
|
No
|
CREEPY DOLLS?
|
None.
|
EVIL CULT?
|
No
|
MADNESS?
|
No
|
TRANSMOGRIFICATION?
|
Thor into Zombie into different guy zombie
|
VOYEURISM?
|
Some zombie-vision, as you might expect for something
with a budget of O
|
MORAL OF THE STORY
|
You gotta learn to walk before you learn to ROCK N ROLL
NIGHTMARE.
|
No comments:
Post a Comment