Showing posts with label ILL-CONCIEVED REMAKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ILL-CONCIEVED REMAKES. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

Jacob's Ladder (2019 remake)

 

Jacob’s Ladder (remake) (2019)

Dir. David M. Rosenthal

Written by Jeff Buhler, Sarah Thorpe, “story by” Jake Wade Wall, Jeff Buhler, based on a screenplay by Bruce Joel Rubin

Starring Michael Ealy, Jesse Williams, Nicole Beharie

 


 

Since the original JACOB'S LADDER is one of my very favorite horror movies of all time, I can't say I approached this (loose) remake with a lot of optimism; more like morbid curiosity. Unfortunately it doesn't even offer much to be morbidly curious about. It's not bad so much as it fails to ever be even a little good, and the ways in which it fails to be good are mostly pretty boring. It's rarely outright incompetent, but at the same time there's just no evidence whatsoever that anybody involved wanted to be here or had any clear idea why it would be worth telling this story other than to ride the coattails of a more famous movie which still isn't even that famous.

 

That is, anyway, the only reason I can think of that this would be called JACOB’s LADDER. It vaguely echoes some plot elements of the original –the titular Jacob (Michael Ealy, MIRACLE AT ST. ANNA) is an American soldier back home after a foreign war (Afghanistan rather than Vietnam) and gets mixed up with an experimental drug that leads him into a paranoid, hallucinatory journey. Similar enough that you’d probably notice, but not specific enough that they’d have to worry about lawsuits if they just ripped it off. But let’s be honest here, it’s not like someone came up with a brilliant story and just later realized it kind of superficially resembled the scenario for a cult flick from 1990. Obviously somebody picked up the rights to the remake, grabbed some gigging writer (Jeff Buhler, already responsible for THE GRUDGE REMAKE [2020] and PET SEMETARY REMAKE and the screenplay for MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN and THE PRODIGY and recently STUDIO 666) and said “write a story we can title JACOB’S LADDER so that a small percentage of people will watch it thinking it’s the good version, and a handful of horror die-hards will check it out due to a sense of morbid curiosity.” And then when they needed re-writes and the original guy didn’t want to bother, they handed it to a personal trainer or niece or somebody that the producer knew (Sarah Thorpe, no other credits) and just said “try and cut out the stuff that sounds expensive.”

 


This is not the type of scenario that one could reasonably expect to produce great art. But it could still probably be better than this. Mostly the movie as a whole is just sort of drab and pointless, but I guess the script is maybe weak enough to qualify as outright bad, although in a bland way rather than an exotic one. The story itself is built around a pretty tepid mindfuck (and pretty nonsensical should you be inclined to try and ask pissy questions like "wait, if that's what was happening, what have I been watching up til now?") though at least it's a different mindfuck than the original. (I said "different," not "better" although I'll readily admit that the twist in the original is the worst thing about it). The fact that it's very stupid is a problem for a movie this relentlessly dour, but the bigger problem is more fundamental: it fails to ever establish a convincing baseline reality --starting with Jacob and his wife’s (Nicole Beharie, SHAME) pristine, antiseptic home with its demure, compliant newborn (!) who cries exactly once and never while anyone is sleeping-- which renders its later attempts at surrealism a dismal nonstarter. Can't disrupt reality if I never for one second believe in these characters even at their status quo.

 

And it doesn't get more convincing as the situation escalates. Early on, Jacob watches as his brother Isaac (Jesse Williams, CABIN IN THE WOODS --yes, their names are Jacob and Isaac) dies in front of him. Years later, Isaac turns up alive, apparently within walking distance of Jacob's house! And Jacob's response is... mild surprise and annoyance? He basically just drops him off at his house and goes about his business. At no point does he or his wife freak out or seem to find this shocking and inexplicable and demanding of answers. He mumbles something that the paperwork must have gotten mixed up and that's that. And Ealy (who I consider to be a terrific actor, but obviously needed a little more direction here) doesn't help matters with his disappointingly tepid performance. Very quickly, this guy is experiencing totally insane shit, and his reaction never seems to rise above "mildly perturbed." I'm sorry, but putting a five-o'clock shadow on Michael Ealy does not make him look tormented, it just makes him look hotter. And he's already borderline too hot to take seriously in the first place.

 


So yeah, it's a bad script, but it's at least committed to its dumb twist, and could, maybe, have been salvaged by some real directorial flair. But if any director was going to be able to pull that off, David M. Rosenthal --who must be a real charming guy, considering how often in his career he's been able to pull amazingly overqualified casts for completely anonymous DTV genre fare-- ain't the one to do it. The original JACOB'S LADDER is a masterclass in gritty, nightmare-fueled paranoia; this has a perfunctory sort of visual slickness that makes it feel like a gloomy car commercial, and the best it can manage in the nightmare department is that lame thing where someone's face will suddenly distort into a SCREAM mask and they’ll shout "boo!" (a trick I was already mocking as shamelessly unimaginative back when DEAD BIRDS did it like a thousand years ago). Creating a paranoid thriller is all about using the tools of cinema to create a heightened, anxious mental state, and this is just utterly, woefully unable to do it, instead drifting between hacky jump-scare scenes and languid, clunky backstory which is so rigidly built to service the goofy twist that the movie can barely even pretend to be a straight horror movie. Its problem isn't really that it's a lunkheaded cash-in trading on the good name of a classic; it's that it's just kind of boring.

 


Props for the scene near the end where he has sex with the Angel of Death, though. If the whole thing were that eccentric and melodramatic, we might actually have something here.



Friday, June 19, 2020

Dumbo (2019)




Dumbo (2019)
Dir. Tim Burton
Screenplay by Ehren Kruger, Based on Disney's DUMBO by Otto Englander, Joe Grant and Dick Huemer, which in itself was based on Dumbo, the Flying Elephant by Helen Aberson and Harold Pearl
Starring Colin Farrell, Nico Parker, Michael Keaton, Danny DeVito, Eva Green, Alan Arkin

I was going to begin by saying that 2019’s DUMBO takes Disney's recent "why does this exist?" energy to bold new heights, but I guess that's not really true; nothing could have less reason to exist than a scene-by-scene photorealistic LION KING remake, and that’s still too traumatically fresh a memory to ignore. We’ve already reached rock bottom, no need to indulge in any more hyperbole than necessary. But just because kicking you in the balls is clearly preferable to shooting you in the face, that doesn’t make the former commendable behavior. DUMBO may not be a harrowing, soul-churning pinnacle of anti-art the way LION KING 2019 –good God, they came out the same year—was, but it has a different kind of "why does this exist" cloud hanging over it, avoiding Disney's recent fetish for grotesquely tarted-up slavish recreations of their beloved animated classics… by instead throwing out virtually every single part of the original movie which bears the same name and replacing it with --well, not quite a new movie, exactly, because despite adding a second, comfortably feature-length scenario to the runtime, the new material isn't anywhere near cohesive enough to call a "movie" in its own right-- but certainly a whole lot of new stuff.

The "new stuff" consists of basically everything apart from the concept of a flying baby elephant named Dumbo who resides in a circus and is separated from his mother. Anything else from the original DUMBO –for example, original surrogate protagonist Timothy the mouse-- is included here only in the form of stultifying throwaway references, often hitting exactly that sweet spot of being far too emphasized to ignore, but having no meaning whatsoever outside their reference to the original film. Which mean that if you haven't seen 1941's DUMBO, this movie will be a baffling puzzle of inexplicable and meaningless visual cues.* But if you did see 1941's DUMBO and enjoyed it, you are now stuck with a movie that has functionally almost nothing in common with it, but insists on constantly reminding you of it. Cool.



The setting for the 2019 version remains the same as its predecessor, albeit with some odd added specificity. As before, we are introduced first to a rag-tag circus embarking on a tour of the American South at the end of World War I. This particular interwar American South, you will quickly notice, is very pointedly a land of harmonious integration and racial diversity, where an interracial family traveling by rails might receive a hearty handwave from the simple white farmers working the fields they’re passing by on their way to perform in front of a merrily heterogeneous audience which has apparently never known division along lines of gender, race, nationality, religion, or economic status. This is a little jarring, needless to say, but after some reflection, I’ve decided that it was ultimately the right approach, at least if we assume that this all absolutely had to be set in 1919 for some reason. You’d be entirely justified, were you so inclined, to slam it for whitewashing the brutality of segregation and Jim Crow, but hey, this was always fantasy – might as well be everyone’s fantasy. Once you’ve committed to “flying elephant” as a premise, I think it’s safe to say you’ve bought yourself sufficient distance from reality to be absolved of responsibility for hard-hitting journalistic accuracy, especially in service of broadened approachability. Or at least, I thought so until the movie arrived at its final act and decided it had some very serious thoughts on the morality of keeping animals in the circus. So, no problem brushing aside a century of brutal racial oppression in the name of fantasy, but cruelty to performing animals is just too pressing an issue to stay silent about. Got it.

At any rate, after a very leisurely scene-setting, our story starts to get going with the birth of the title character, a little elephant with gigantic ears which for some reason everyone considers a hideous, unspeakable deformity which brands him forever a freak and an outcast. Maybe because they never invented racism in this alternate reality, people are just real assholes about ears instead, I dunno.

Of course, he is a freak and should be cast out, but not for his ears. I mean, look at this fucking abomination:



This goddam thing looks like a baby C’Thulu cosplaying as Robert Blake’s character from LOST HIGHWAY. It reminds me of those grotesque “realistic” renderings of The Simpsons or Spongebob or what have you. This character design was all well and good in the squishy abstraction of cartooning, but you rip it, against God’s will, off the page and into the photorealistic real world, and you’ve got an unholy nightmare on your hands. Maybe COOL WORLD had a good point about keeping the ‘doodles where they belong.

Fortunately for the little freak, children can’t recognize the face of a Lovecraftian blasphemy when it’s staring right at them with its hateful squid eyes, and “Dumbo” finds allies in two hardscrabble circus urchins, siblings Milly (Nico Parker, giving a performance which cannot be described without the words “affectless automaton”) and Joe (Finley Hobbins, who the movie is so actively disinterested in that I frequently forgot this character existed while he was on-screen). The children discover Dumbo’s amazing power of flight (a feat of fanciful delight in the original cartoon, and a source of profoundly disturbing wrongness when translated to weighty, high-definition photorealism) which drags the young pachyderm from despised outcast to celebrated circus star.

So far, so good; sounds basically like the story of the original DUMBO with kids subbed for mice, right? And yet, while all of that happens on-screen, the above description doesn’t really accurately describe the movie, because it makes it sound as though this is Dumbo’s story. That would be a perfectly reasonable assumption to make, considering the title and the source material, but that is not the movie we have as a subject here today. You see, in a baffling feint towards gritty realism for a movie which --I feel I must stress this point-- features a flying elephant, Dumbo and his fellow circus animals do not talk or appear to experience any emotional state beyond what would be expected for an average trained circus animal.** Despite the disturbingly expressive face, Dumbo’s enormous, unnatural eyes stare impassively out from an empty, soulless void utterly alien to any human sensibility, and hence, despite various human characters frequently announcing aloud what his desires and wishes may be, he is really more of a MacGuffin than a character. He’s central to the plot, but more of an object to be acted upon by his human co-stars than a protagonist in any proper sense.

Horrible. Just horrible.


What we need, then, are human characters, and obviously the more the better. What’s that you say, we already have two human children to act as surrogate protagonists, and even one of those two is flagrantly unnecessary? No no, I mean celebrity human characters. We’re trying to spend 170 million bucks here. What’s that you say, there’s no possible artistic purpose in adding extraneous adults to this already entirely self-contained little fairy tale? What is this “artistic purpose” you speak of?

Therefore to fill the absolutely unavoidable storytelling necessity of having at least three A-list names printed on the movie poster, the simple story of talking circus animals trying to reunite an outcast baby elephant with its mother has been larded up with about 90 new humans (we do not, if I recall, see a single human face in the original DUMBO), all of whom must be given something to do (because they have no obvious purpose in the story as originally conceived) and yet not quite enough to do to  constitute an "arc" for any of them. Therefore recoil in horror as Colin Farrell, Danny DeVito, and Michael Keaton are dutifully trotted out for no clear reason, all giving career-worst performances while at the same time giving the distinct and worrying impression that they're trying very hard.*** They’re eventually joined by Eva Green, who manages to maintain her dignity rather better, and considering she must endure the mortifying indignity of being CGI'd onto the back of a flying baby elephant, this may be evidence that she is the greatest thespian who ever lived. Alan Arkin also appears in three scenes and so openly doesn't give a shit that you've kind of got to respect him for it. Sometimes being a pro means making a sincere effort regardless of the circumstances… but sometimes it just means recognizing a hopeless cause and giving up gracefully. Look, he set his margarita down for the take, what more do you want?   

The movie, alas, is too brain-dead to be able to follow Arkin’s example. Consequently, an absolutely exhausting amount of time is taken to establish each of these characters, even though only one has any narrative purpose whatsoever. Or, rather, only one is so completely extraneous to the original plot that establishing him essentially drags the movie in entirely new direction, thus creating a new narrative purpose for the character to fulfill. You see, once the movie has dutifully plodded through every single plot point from the original DUMBO, minus any part where animals talk or racism is happening, we’re still barely even sitting at the 40-minute mark. Now, the original DUMBO is only 62 minutes, but remember, we’re trying to spend $170 million here, and are therefore contractually obliged to pile as many convoluted plot points as money will allow into an appalling snake’s nest of wriggling chaos. That’s the law. And so, out of the blue appears Keaton, as a flamboyant, rapacious capitalist who buys the circus and immediately sets to work exploiting his star attraction, sadistically endangering his human employees, and eventually just straight up announcing that he’s going to murder Dumbo’s mom for absolutely no reason whatsoever. To accomplish these goals, he essentially kidnaps the entire cast and forces them into servitude in his garish, art-deco dystopian theme park known as “Dreamland.”



Savvy viewers will quickly notice that not a single detail of this has any relationship whatsoever to the 1941 movie DUMBO, which doesn’t even have a central villain character and is more about the generalized cruelty and randomness of the world. This is, then, basically a movie and its demented sequel uncomfortably shackled together roughly halfway though, as if somebody had edited BABE and PIG IN THE CITY to bare-bones shells, chopped the credits off the former, and then run them back to back as one movie. It’s deeply weird storytelling, but at least once Keaton appears the movie finds some focus; absent any kind of identifiable protagonist, it locates in its antagonist at least some measure of organization which utterly eludes it during the opening 45 minutes of wheezily recycled non-story. That doesn’t make it good, because it’s nothing of the sort, but at least it’s not quite so shapeless and inexplicable.

Speaking of the villain, what are we to make of the fact that, with his flashy showmanship, single-minded reckless ambition, and ostentatious theme park (complete with Epcot-center-esque “City of Tomorrow!”) this despicable sociopath is an unavoidable analog for Walt Disney himself? The comparisons are far too specific to even entertain the idea that this is not where the movie wants us to go, but why does it want us to go there? Is this some kind of sniveling JURASSIC WORLD-style apology for the tortured needlessness of the thing we’re watching, couched in ironic self-awareness? Is writer Ehren Kruger (damned forever for his part in writing three of five TRANSFORMERS films, and also producing the spectacularly moronic DREAM HOUSE, which is maybe even more embarrassing than having written it, though at least he can hold his head up with pride as the scribe of RENDEER GAMES) possibly deluded enough to believe this is somehow subversive? Or should we just consider this a tortured cry for help from the subconscious of Tim Burton, who Disney kidnapped and replaced with a TWIN PEAKS evil doppelgänger sometime in the mid-2000s? I’d dearly like to believe in the latter to be the case, but frankly by this point in his career Burton seems to have less in common with the misunderstood weirdos of the circus than he does with Keaton’s mercenary hired goons who happily trot off to murder Dumbo’s mom when their Disney-like boss tells them to, no questions asked.



Indeed, I’ve put off saying so as long as possible, but now there’s no escaping it, so let’s just face facts: Tim Burton is credited as the director here. He’s been in bored corporate lackey mode long enough now that I guess I can’t claim it’s a surprise, but even so, DUMBO 2019 conveys an alarming sense not just that the director’s a bored hack, but that there’s nobody at the wheel at all. Maybe twice in the movie he seems to perk up a little around some of the garish sets of “Dreamland,” but even the circus itself, which seems like the kind of thing Burton should have been able to work magic with in his sleep, is a disappointing nothing, lacking even the flop-sweating overdesign of 2005’s CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY and 2010’s ALICE IN WONDERLAND. It’s a dreary, lazily shot-on-soundstages huddle of low, perfunctory structures populated by limply defanged stereotypes whom the movie is far too fretfully woke to allow to lean into their inherent cartoonishness, but also dismissively disinterested in imbuing with any other traits (at least DeObia Oparei, as the circus’ strongman/bookkeeper, gets to make some archly funny faces). The whole thing is then color-corrected into an unsettling alien landscape of not-quite-right chromatic mismatches, where the grass is an odd pine green verging on blue, and the sky is perpetually tinged with an anxiety-inducing orange-red, as if the sun was always right about to set, even when that’s manifestly not the case.

According to the film’s press kit, the production design drew inspiration from the paintings of Edward Hopper, an odd choice any way you want to look at it -- Hopper’s best known work came from decades after the movie’s 1919 setting, and is marked by a spare, quiet sense of modern alienation, making it a baffling aesthetic touchstone for a childrens' fantasy—but made even weirder by the fact that the movie’s nettled plottiness and overabundance of unnecessary characters all but ensures that Hopper’s serene minimalism is entirely out of the question.**** The only way this makes any sense is as an explanation for why Burton’s recent penchant for seizure-inducing overproduction is ratcheted down to simply garish overproduction. It’s depressing possible that this is what Burton believes qualifies as “minimalism” by this point in his career -- although it’s probably a lot more likely that this is just a simple case of barely giving a shit at all, and having his production crew try to run cover by throwing out an aesthetic which wouldn’t be immediately familiar enough for most people to call their bluff.

Let's compare this 1957 Hopper painting entitled Western Hotel...

...to this frame, from 2019's DUMBO. Anybody else not seeing much similarity? 


Which is, ultimately, the real problem here: despite the effortful ponderousness inherent in any movie pushing a 200 million dollar budget, there’s not a single aspect of this that doesn’t seem to be operating on autopilot. At no point throughout the momentum-free 112 minutes***** does the movie ever make even the flimsiest argument as to why anyone thought it would be worth making; there’s nary a character, setpiece, storyline, or sequence that feel inspired by recognizable human interest. The sole artistic inspiration in this entire sorry affair was the marketing departments’ dead-eyed certainty that people will pay to see an insanely expensive iteration of a recognizable brand name. That’s the movie they tasked Burton and co with making, and that’s what they got: a huge pile of busy but meaningless narrative clutter indifferently trying to obscure the fact that this exists exclusively to remind you of that famous thing you’ve already seen. Despite all the added narrative detritus, there is literally no other purpose here, and the movie never even pretends to aspire to any. It is more reference than film.

This tendency reaches its zenith during a little vignette –too insubstantial to call a “scene”—where Dumbo sits in a tent while some clowns blow large, elaborate bubbles in the air while a wordless snippet of the tune “Pink Elephants On Parade” --the big showpiece hallucinatory number from the original (brought to the pinnacle of its form by Sun-Ra and the Solar Arkestra in 1988)-- wheezes over the soundtrack. This all plays out in an entirely literal, straightforward way; there’s nothing subjective of surreal about it, we’re just watching a CG elephant baby watch a mildly impressive circus act set to inexplicably ominous orchestration for a minute or two, while he kills some time. There’s no reason for this to happen; Disney in 2020 isn’t going anywhere near “drunk baby elephant” territory, and it has no baring whatsoever on the plot and is never referenced again.

Now, there isn’t exactly an overwhelming narrative necessity for this sequence in the original film, either, but the reason for including it is immediately obvious: just in the fun of it. It exists entirely for a bunch of hungry, energized artists to indulge in the sheer joy of going hogwild animating a bunch of surreal nonsense. Their delight in it is palpable, and its ability to inspire similar delight has not diminished in 80 years, not due to any quantifiable utility, but entirely because it is a curious bauble, a creation entirely of whimsy.

Again, let's compare.... this still from the original sequence...

... to this one from 2019. Which one of these looks like a human being actually cared about it? 


That is categorically not so in 2020; here, the same basic elements exist entirely to fulfill a rote function… and that function is simply to mirror something else that already exists. There is no whimsy here, no sense of artistic exhilaration; hell, there’s barely even any cynical, pandering calculation. Nobody ever even bothered to ask why. The sequence, like the movie itself, takes for granted the idea that creation and simulacrum are indistinguishable, that the act of evoking is functionally identical to the act of creating. It is, in that sense, very nearly some kind of experimental postmodern gamble that content is completely meaningless in the face of context, challenging us to ask if meaning itself is purely a construct, a function of the viewer’s applied cultural baggage projected not onto the screen, but into our own internal landscape, where it can be given whatever meaning we find useful.

But I cannot concur. A pipe is an exceedingly useful tool, should I fancy a smoke. A painting of a pipe merely reminds me that I want to smoke. One is the inevitable outcome of human ingenuity and desire; the other is an advertisement. It’s why Magritte titled his famous painting The Treachery of Images. The evocation of “Pink Elephants,” and of 1941’s DUMBO more broadly, is equally treacherous here. The images of 2020’s DUMBO might conjure some vague nostalgia for the real thing, but they have no meaning of their own, and they were never meant to. Ceci n'est pas une DUMBO. Ceci n'est pas une film, even. It’s just a very long, very expensive callback. And not even a very entertaining one, at that.

That said, just looking at Dumbo’s awful CGI face for two hours conjured the most raw, primal horror I’ve felt for a movie in quite some time. This isn’t an uncanny valley, it’s the fucking uncanny Mariana Trench. DUMBO 2019 inspires very few emotions other than despairing tedium, but profound spiritual disquiet is a feeling, and if, as is sometimes postulated, the purpose of art is to draw a reaction from the viewer, I guess you could still say that ol’ Tim Burton managed to make some extremely potent art afterall, despite himself. Recommended for fans of ANGST and A SERBIAN FILM and anyone who wants to see just how much implacable, disturbing wrongness they can withstand. Otherwise, you’re better off forgetting this ever existed as quickly as possible. And fortunately, other than some lingering elephant-related nightmares, that shouldn’t be too hard at all.





* Good luck to the new-to-DUMBO kiddies trying to figure out why the plot stops dead for a few minutes to watch an elaborate bit of bubble-art while a snatch of unaccountably creepy music plays in the background. Viewers of the 1941 version will recognize this as a dismal, watered-down tribute to the "Pink Elephants" showstopper in the original, but without that bit of knowledge it must surely seem utterly inexplicable. In fact, it bears such an uncanny visual resemblance to the "Opera scene" in STAR WARS III: REVENGE OF THE SITH (elaborately dressed dignitaries in box seats having a fraught conversation while they half-watch an elaborate 3D bubble show in a darkened, circular amphitheater, with a similar color scheme) that I would not be surprised to learn that this is the more common interpretation of the scene being referenced (there is no way to interpret it as anything but a reference to something, because the movie focuses on it so insistently and yet it has no bearing on the plot or any other context of any kind) so it's simply a matter of whether most audiences will have any reference for it at all.

** I’m aware that Dumbo doesn’t speak in the original either, but having all the other animals speak gives us a clearer sense that these are, to some degree, anthropomorphized surrogates for humans with the kind of fully articulated, complex emotional lives you’d need in order to be, you know, the protagonist of a movie. Here, no such luck; sometimes the humans speculate on what Dumbo must want, but it’s genuinely up for debate if he has any fucking clue what’s happening to him, or any clear opinion about it. This is basically a slightly less sexy THE SHAPE OF WATER.

*** This is a particular shame on the part of Farrell, who actually has a shockingly passable track record of appearing in pointless remakes and giving excellent performances (see FRIGHT NIGHT, TOTAL RECALL, THE BEGUILED). Alas, his morose one-note (or less) blob of a character, combined with a somewhat labored Southern accent, defeats any effort he might be making .

**** It goes without saying that Hopper never painted anything remotely like the art deco futurism which comprises the latter half of the movie, but even the warmer earlier scenes don’t seem to fit at all with his style, except maybe in the sense of the movie’s unusual palette.

***** Psychotically long for an adaptation of DUMBO, but at least it manages to come in under two hours, which was not at all a sure thing given that some of these live-action remakes’ aggressive runtimes are now edging dangerous close to the 130 minute mark


Friday, January 18, 2019

Village of the Damned (1995)


(yes, apparently they did this intentionally. I don't know who thought that looked acceptable.)
Village of the Damned (1995)
Dir. John Carpenter
Written by David Himmelstein, based on the screenplay by Stirling Silliphant, Wolf Rilla, and Ronald Kinnoch, based on the novel by John Wyndham
Starring Christopher Reeve, Thomas Dekker, Lindsey Haun, Kirstie Alley, Linda Kozlowski, Michael Paré, and Meredith Salenger, but who gives a shit about any of them, because it also features Mark fucking Hamill as “Reverend George.” That’s right, you got a John Carpenter movie with God Damn Luke Skywalker in it. And you haven’t even seen it, you lazy, worthless ingrate. I bet you’ve seen at least one of those idiot JJ Abrams STAR TREK movies and yet you’ve never even considered watching this mid-career offering from one of the genre’s acknowledged masters, even though it stars fucking Mark Hamill. You’re everything that’s wrong with the world, and it’s time you admitted that.

            Another day, another entry into our ever-growing How Could It Not Be Great? canon. Holy shit, you think, John Carpenter, just a year after the underrated IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS, adapting a novel by the great mid-century sci-fi author John Wyndham (which had already been adapted into something of a minor classic in 1960), with a decent budget and a solid cast, how could this not be… Oh, who am I kidding? You know exactly how this could not be great. Let’s face it, remaking the 1960 British sci-fi/horror staple VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED in 1995 was a bad idea from the get-go. The original was deeply and inseparably a product of its time, drawing its charm from a fragile mix of Cold War anxiety, mild 60’s British transgressiveness, and stagey (and in retrospect, more than a little campy) but earnest black-and-white dreamy matinee creeps.

I am a writer by avocation, but as a writer about film, I concede to the medium the broad axiom that “a picture is worth a thousand words.” So consider these three shots to be the 3,000 or so words it would take me to properly articulate what the 1960 VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED is all about:



I mean, those three shots tell you everything you need to know about it, good and bad. On one hand, there’s no getting around the fact that the little blond kids with glowing eyes and slack faces are corny as hell. They’re meant to look alien and uncanny, of course, but the effect is just so artificial and oversold that it’s hard to take it seriously. On the other hand, the black and white film combined with the pervading stagey and artificial quality of 50’s British genre cinema (which this resembles much more than the Hammer-influenced gothic horror explosion of the 60s) also allows the film to neatly sidestep realism and offer the viewer at least the option of meeting the film’s signature iconography on its own terms. Most genre fiction, after all, requires a certain suspension of disbelief, and in their own native milieu, I think even the glowing-eye towheads of VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED are a functional object, of sorts.

But let me ask you this, what if we did the same thing in 1995 in glorious COLOR



                        So yeah, this was never going to be a good idea, and, it should be noted, even Carpenter himself wasn’t too enthused about the project. As he succinctly put it in a 2011 interview, “I’m really not passionate about Village of the Damned. I was getting rid of a contractual assignment.” Which is fair enough, I guess. I mean, a job’s a job, and those Lakers tickets don’t pay for themselves.

            The end result of that contractual assignment is a film which is hardly in danger of being mistaken for a passion project. It’s entirely competent -- nothing here suggests the bizarrely misjudged boondoggle of GHOSTS OF MARS, only six years and two films away -- but it categorically resists rising to any kind of high point that would give us a clue as to what someone thought the point was supposed to be. In fact, the plot hews so closely to the original film that the script by David Himmelstein (a baffling, sparse resume of four writing credits between 1986-1996, ranging from the Edward James Olmos sports flick TALENT FOR THE GAMES to Sidney Lumet’s POWER) is credited as an adaptation of the 1960 screenplay, rather than an adaptation of the 1957 Wyndham novel. It adds a few little details here and there (including a few touches of gore that seem wildly out of place), but never enough to give any indication why someone thought this was worth remaking. The eye effects, I guess? 30 years of special effects progress has finally made it possible to tell this story the way it was meant to be told… with the same light up eyes now in COLOR. Yes, you heard that right. COLOR.

Anyway, the plot is basically identical to the 1960 version: one day, out of the blue, every living creature in and around the small California town of Midwich suddenly falls asleep, wherever they are. Anyone entering the area immediately suffers the same fate. In six hours, they all awaken, except the ones who were driving, or tightrope walking, or juggling chainsaws or whatever. Or, in one agreeably gruesome case, standing over a grill. But mostly the citizens just wake up and go back to their lives, a little unsure what happened. Unsure, that is, until a few months later, when local doctor Chaffee (Christopher Reeve, in his final role before an accident left him paralyzed) starts to realize that ten of the town’s women (including virginal Melanie Roberts, [Meredith Salenger, LAKE PLACID]) seem to have been impregnated during the “blackout.” And when the kids are born, it quickly becomes clear that they are some kind of psychic, super-intelligent hivemind with matching Debbie Harry Sisqo Eminem Machine Gun Kelly hair and lite-brite eyes. And also that they’re evil.




This last detail is made clear surprisingly early on, probably the most significant alteration the 1995 script makes. The 1960 version plays out slowly, spending much of its runtime examining the townsfolks’ strained, confused reaction to this inexplicable phenomenon and never showing the children doing anything unambiguously hostile until over 50 minutes into a 77 minute runtime. Here, there’s no doubt; right from the cradle, these kids are causing mayhem, and pretty much everyone knows it. On one hand, that was probably the only way to approach this material in 1995; how tedious would it have been to drag it out and try to pretend the audience doesn’t already know that the creepy little kids with the glowing eyes are the bad guys? But on the other hand, the entire conflict of the original film is based on the adults’ wrestling with their uncertainty about what the kids are, what they want, and what to do with them. Here, all those questions are answered almost immediately, but the movie doesn’t really pose any alternate conflict to replace the one it kills off. The two movies proceed almost identically --even featuring nearly parallel scenes-- except that, having resolved the central conflict which the 1960 version uses to fuel nearly its entire plot within the first 20 minutes, the 1995 version finds it has nowhere to go, and just kind of sits there spinning its wheels, reinforcing the point over and over that yep, these kids sure are evil, all right. None of it is bad per se, but it sure is narratively inert, and it really makes you feel that runtime. Anything under two hours is hardly a difficult ask in this age where people routinely watch through entire seasons of TV in a single night, but it’s worth noting that the 1960 version leisurely works through its storyline in a slim 77 minutes, while Carpenter’s version has arguably less plot to work through, and still runs a full 22 minutes longer.

Part of that longer running time --a small part, but a notable one-- is devoted to a smattering of stepiece kill scenes, which was surely part of the marketing calculous of bringing Carpenter into the remake. The original has a relatively low body count --I recall only three victims-- but was certainly not above taking a sadistic pleasure in milking them for morbid thrills. The remake keeps all three deaths intact, and adds a few more of its own, including a nasty self-vivisection and a surprisingly huge gun battle (in the original, the townsfolk consider calling in the military, but dismiss the idea upon realizing the kids would just use their mind control to make the soldiers shoot each other. The remake, of course, is understandably curious as to what that would look like). As with revealing the kid’s malicious intentions early, this makes sense on the surface, and might in itself have been enough to justify a remake, if they had really committed to that approach. A pivot from Twilight Zone eeriness to giddy splatter would be weird, but would certainly embody a fresh approach to the material, made possible only in the intervening 35 years. 



Alas, then, that 1995’s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED doesn’t really do that. There’s certainly more explicit gore than the original, but not nearly enough to give the film a reason for being, or clearly locate it in a particular mode of horror. It’s appreciated, but it’s not enough to justify the clash in tones which inevitably results when you throw five or six gimmicky death scenes into a screenplay essentially written in 1960. These are two distinct flavors of horror which do not mesh together comfortably at all. Haphazardly stitching one into the other blurs the film’s focus and heightens the sense of filmmakers trying to hedge their bets by throwing different things at the audience to see what sticks, instead of committing to one clear vision.

That same scatterbrained sense of good ideas indifferently applied carries over into the film’s themes, too. In the “Production Notes” on the DVD, Reeve reflects, “When they made [the original] in 1960, the evil alien, if you will, was Communism. This was the threat, the disease that could overtake this healthy American organism of liberty and democracy. With the demise of the Cold War, we don’t have that threat any more. But we have something else -- the indifference to violence. And the message in this film is the banality of violence, of evil. Death has no consequence, and metaphorically, we see that here as a kind of infection, which certainly exists in our culture today.”

Maybe so, which helps to elucidate the decision to portray the kids as blatantly evil right from the start, and to have pretty much everyone aware of that fact. It’s definitely no longer a metaphor for a subversion or invasion. But I’m less convinced the story lends itself well to the idea that it’s about indifference to violence. I mean, it is about that, I guess, in the sense that the parents spend so much time begging the kids to feel human emotion and empathy (a point touched upon in the original, but which is insisted upon here). But it’s not much of a metaphor since the aliens were just zapped onto Earth, and there’s no evidence they could be convinced to do anything other than murder us all, and our only hope is to kill them before they use their telepathic powers to have us all commit suicide. So what exactly is the message here? “Don’t be a ultra-powerful psychic sociopath?” OK. I’m not convinced it’s exactly an immaculate metaphor for creeping Communist menace either, but at least in 1960s England that threat was understood to come from outside, as an invading force. Carpenter certainly knows that indifference to violence isn’t some alien feeling being forced on humanity, it’s an impulse that comes from within us, as old as civilization, and so representing it with these invading others who are completely alien and incomprehensible to us just doesn’t really work. Consequently, the movie offers but doesn’t really commit to this reading, allowing it, like the setpiece kill scenes, to melt inconsequentially into its aimless wandering without providing any sense of direction.



Similarly, Carpenter himself offers a gendered reading of the remake: “The original movie and the novel were written from a masculine point of view. This was an opportunity to explore the female aspect of the story and their reaction to the situation.” I’ll grant the "female aspect of the story" could use some exploring; the 60’s version is so profoundly disinterested in what the women think that it actually has its protagonist patronizingly send his wife on vacation while he makes plans to (SPOILER) suicide bomb their kid. And for a movie which condemns the little monsters for lack of empathy, its curiosity about the human emotions evoked by this situation barely extends beyond its mild irritation that emotional women make it hard to think rationally about the problem. Even original director Wolf Rilla (CAIRO, and what a name!) agreed that, “We made [our] film at a period when the old male chauvinism was still very strong. John [Carpenter] has brought another element into [his film], one of feminism, which is quite right. One discusses these sorts of things more openly than we did in the 50’s and 60’s, when people would be uptight about sex and anything to do with it.”

Seems like a good idea, and there are definitely a bunch of women in the cast, but since none of these characters are very interesting, and we learn very, very little about what they’re thinking beyond the most basic platitudes, I don’t know that it really adds much. Certainly calling it feminist in any sense seems hard to defend. Maybe it would have been more shocking back in 1995 that the kids have a female leader (Lindsey Haun, SHROOMS, far and away the most committed and effective performance in the film), and there’s a cynical female doctor (Kirstie Alley, STAR TREK 2: THE WRATH OF KHAN and Operating Thetan Level 7)? A quick survey of contemporary reviews doesn’t give that impression, but what the hell, good thought, anyway.

 Carpenter is also said in the DVD extras to have added some theological rumination, but man, it’s just barely in there. I mean, they say bible verses, I guess. But it’s a long way from exploring the subject in any kind of meaningful way. After all, holy shit!, aliens and telepathy and mind control! The very existence of these things has enormous ramifications for our ideas about the soul, about morality, about death, about humanity’s place in the universe. But all the movie offers is a grim-looking Mark Hamill (JOHN CARPENTER’S BODY BAGS) reading a prayer about children. Just another example of how the movie is not lacking for content, but isn’t really ABOUT anything. It gives the impression of a film where some thought was put into what to do, but little effort was put into actually doing it.



Carpenter, even in the same interview he admits to not caring much about the movie, does claim that, “it has a very good performance from Christopher Reeve, so there’s some value in it.” It’d be kind of petty to quibble with something like that, especially given what happened to poor Reeve afterwords, but although there’s nothing wrong with his acting, I can’t help but notice that he, like nearly everyone in the film, is bizarrely miscast. It’s not his fault, really, it’s just that he is simply not believable as a real human. Come on, nobody is that ruggedly handsome, he looks like a cartoon prince who shows up at the end of a Disney movie. The stupid kids in the Sisqo wigs look more convincing. And they are, after all, kids -- pitting them against a literal superman is a damn strange dynamic, and having everyone else in the movie try to pretend he’s just some podunk country doctor and not some kind of adonis übermensch is even weirder.

            The rest of the cast is mostly a wash. Alley is also a truly befuddling choice for a cynical, vaguely sinister government agent, but it hardly matters because the role (which has only a tenuous parallel with the 1960 version) is vaguely written in the extreme, with the film unsure how to posit a character who confusingly vacillates between callused villain and minor second protagonist. And other than the A+ work from young Lindsey Haun as the childrens’ leader and spokesman, nobody else in the cast gets much to do. Linda Kozlowski and Meredith Salenger are both admirably committed to the single character trait they’re assigned, but can’t do much more. Michael Paré vanishes before he can leave an impression.

And then you’ve also got Mark Hamill in there. He’s really trying hard, but unfortunately it’s not much of a role, and it wouldn’t even really be worth mentioning at all except that remember, he’s Mark Fucking Hamill, so the fact that he’s standing around in the background of various scenes making us wish he was talking is kind of distracting. He plays the town priest, “Reverend George,” in a role which must surely have been meant for an older character actor. In fact, in this 2015 interview he claims he was brought into the production late, after David Warner, who originally had the part, dropped out. Warner would have been ideal for this kind of thing (although you’d still be left with a character who isn’t really given much to do), but Hamill, in 1995, was still too young and pretty to intuitively read as a fire-and-brimstone small-town country priest, and doesn’t have enough screen time to convince us with his acting. So it’s just weird.



The strange, self-defeating casting choices are, in a way, a perfect microcosm of the movie as a whole. They’re certainly interesting, and even give the impression that someone, somewhere, was trying to do something, but aren’t nearly effectively managed enough that you come away with a clear sense of what that something might be. Even Carpenter’s score (this time co-written with Kinks’ guitarist Dave Davies[!]) seems a little less focused than usual, wandering between unusually bombastic (but not especially memorable) marches and quiet minimalism without much sense of purpose.    

So in the end, I’m sorry to have to report that John Carpenter’s VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED is more interesting curiosity than chilling horror classic. “I had much higher hopes. The Wolf Rilla one is still the best,” Hamill would later judge. But still, it is a John Carpenter movie (it has George “Buck” Flowers in it and everything!), which alone is enough to demand your attention, and fuck, it’s got goddamn Mark Hamill and Superman going head-to-head against a posse of murderous alien telekinetic aryan Edgar Winter cosplayer children. Even if it never quite comes together into the swift kick in the teeth that it should be, you’d have to be a real asshole not to at least give it a try.


PS: Many reviews point out that it was filmed at the same sites in Inverness and Point Reyes, CA,  which also appeared in THE FOG. They mention this as though it’s just interesting trivia, and not hard scientific evidence that Inverness and Point Reyes, CA, are some kind of filmmaking Kryptonite for John Carpenter.



CHAINSAWNUKAH 2018 CHECKLIST!
Searching For Bloody Pictures
    
TAGLINE
Beware The Children. So even the tagline is hardly trying.
TITLE ACCURACY
Has a pretty 1960s flavor to it, but I guess it’s better than the novel’s title, The Midwich Cuckoos
LITERARY ADAPTATION?
Yes, from the 1957 novel The Midwich Cuckoos by John Wyndham
SEQUEL?
None, although the 1960 version has a sequel called CHILDREN OF THE DAMNED from 1964.
REMAKE?
Yes
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN
USA
HORROR SUB-GENRE
Bad Seed, Psychic killer, Aliens
SLUMMING A-LISTER?
Christopher Reeves, Mark Hamill, Kirstie Alley (I guess?)
BELOVED HORROR ICON?
John Carpenter
NUDITY?
None
SEXUAL ASSAULT?
Women impregnated against their will, but it seems to be through some kind of outer space energy ray or something.
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!
In the original, I remember the dog growls at the evil little kids, though I don’t specifically remember that happening here.
GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?
None
POSSESSION?
Yes, via mind-whammy
CREEPY DOLLS?
None
EVIL CULT?
None
MADNESS?
No
TRANSMOGRIFICATION?
None
VOYEURISM?
None
MORAL OF THE STORY
COMMUNISTS ARE INFILTRATING OUR CHILDREN AND WE MUST KILL THEM!!!