Ghoulies

Ghoulies (1984 -- US premier 1985)

Dir. Luca Bercovici

Written by Luca Bercovici and Jefery [sic] Levy

Starring Peter Liapis, Lisa Pelikan, Michael Des Barres, Jack Nance

For most people, the sentence, “1984’s GHOULIES is a landmark, career-defining motion picture which would set the stage for three decades of a niche auteur’s long and legendary career” would sound a tad unlikely, perhaps even absurd. But for those of us who truly know the life’s work of ultra-low-budget DTV maestro Charles Band, GHOULIES is the beginning. GHOULIES started it all. Without GHOULIES, there is no DOLLS, no TROLL (and therefore no TROLL 2!) no GINGERDEAD MAN. No DOLLMAN VS. DEMONIC TOYS. No EVIL BONG. And the world would be, I dunno, slightly poorer for it in some ways. Although arguably better off in others possibly.

GHOULIES is not important because it’s the first film produced by Charles Band, nor even the first produced by the most venerable of his various production companies, the austerely monikered Empire Films. Band had been producing movies since 1973’s LAST FOXTROT IN BURBANK (edited by a pre-HALLOWEEN John Carpenter!) and Empire Pictures had produced its first film the previous year. No, GHOULIES is the beginning of a different era entirely; not the start of a career, but the inauguration of Band’s ongoing tinyphiliac period. This era  --to my knowledge first identified by Seagalogy author Vern-- is defined by Band’s obsessive focus on mean little bastards. It began with GHOULIES, but quickly spiraled out of control into TROLL, DOLLS, DOLLMAN, PUPPETMASTER, DEMONIC TOYS, DOLLMAN VS DEMONIC TOYS, SHRUNKEN HEADS, LEAPIN’ LEPRECHAUNS (not to be confused with the 1993 Warwick Davis LEPRECHAUN), SHRUNKEN CITY, and, of course, GINGERDEAD MAN. And that’s just a quick overview of this phenomenon.

Considering that pedigree, I hadn’t exactly rushed to see GHOULIES. If your movie has the name “Charles Band” anywhere associated with it, it’s a good bet it’s going towards the bottom of my priorities list, and GHOULIES has been languishing there for some time now. I’m glad I live in a universe where GINGERDEAD MAN 2: PASSION OF THE CRUST is a real movie with a funny title, but even for me, life’s a little short to spend 82 minutes on a joke title. And the world isn’t exactly hurting for 1980’s creature features for me to waste my life on, between the CRITTERSes and GREMLINSes and TREMORSes and BASKET CASEs and THE GATE and HOBGOBLINS, and somebody said something about a movie called MUNCHIES? But you know what is hurting for 1980’s creature features? Every fuckin’ streaming service. Netflix has about 90,000 no-budget zero-effort drab and featureless PARANORMAL ACTIVITY ripoffs from 2016 alone, but try to find something fun and colorful with a monster puppet or something and you’ll be running back to Pirate Bay faster than you can say “Nilborg.”

But Hulu did have GHOULIES, and after a few brief moments considering suicide as an alternative, I decided, what the heck, gotta get GHOULIES in there eventually. Might as well be now.

And you know what? I realize this might be a controversial opinion, but I would say that GHOULIES is better than suicide in some respects, all things considered. I mean, it’s hardly a real movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s not without its scrappy charms. And it’s certainly not light on ghoulies.

Our story begins with cult leader Malcolm Graves (Michael Des Barre, best known as the frontman for ex-punk supergroup Chequered Past and as Robert Palmer’s replacement in Power Station, and also as the recurring character Murdoc on McGuyver. But hey, he was also in UNDER SIEGE, PINK CADILLAC, and MULHOLLAND DRIVE, so he’s had a rich, full life) initiating some kind of baby-sacrificing ceremony like they used to do a lot back in the 1980’s. He has big scary glowing green eyes, so you know this shit is legit, he’s not just some two-bit hustler trying to get laid, he’s obviously onto something here. You’d think that alone would be enough to convince the baby’s mother (Victoria Catlin, MANIAC COP, HOWLING V) to go along with this, but apparently they never discussed it ahead of time, because she acts like this is the first she’s heard of any baby sacrificing (she’s wearing a robe and reciting the incantation, but maybe she didn’t read all the way through the brochure before joining up?) and right before the big stabby moment, she leaps forward to put a stop to everything. This is a double whammy because not only does it really kill the mood, it’s going to result in some awkward PTA meetings and stuff down the line, because Malcolm is also the kid’s father. For some reason Mom’s objection seems to do the trick, and the Malcolm dejectedly sends the baby away to live with another cultist (Jack Nance, ERASERHEAD, Twin Peaks) and contents himself with killing the mom, because, fuck it, he didn’t get the glowing eye thing going to not murder somebody.

This would seem to wrap things up pretty neatly, but this is not the story of the mother, this is the story of the baby. As the sudden narration jarringly explains, the child was raised to adulthood by Jack Nance, who appears to be some kind of mute hermit, or at least a real strong, silent type who doesn’t say anything unless he’s narrating (I think that’s him) or until the movie’s last scene. But he’s Jack Nance, dammit, so he can do whatever he damn well wants. The son, though, has grown into Nathan Fillion lookalike Jonathan (Peter Liapis, GHOULIES IV), and apparently no one ever mentioned to him about his father being a crazy cult wizard who tried to sacrifice him at birth and murdered his mom, so when he gets the word that his father has died and he has inherited his palatial murder estate (complete with on-premise grave), he sees no reason not to immediately move in and invite his intensely 80’s friends and his gal (Juilliard-trained Lisa Pelikan, JENNIFER, LIONHEART) over for a crazy party.

The longer he stays in the house, though, the more he starts to fixate on the idea of the occult, and dabble in the black arts. One day his girlfriend walks in on him in the basement, glowing green eyes and everything, conducting some sort of unholy ritual which has summoned a howling rainstorm in the basement. She doesn’t seem at all surprised to learn that magic is real, but she is super annoyed that he’s been mastering it instead of fixing up the house. She demands he stop trying to explore the furthest reaches of arcane knowledge and gain the infinite power to shape the universe to his will, or at the very least not conduct occult rituals while they’re getting busy. When he fails to clear even this low bar, he figures he’d better play it safe and put the mind whammy on her so she doesn’t interfere while he summons as many god damn ghoulies as he pleases, yes sir.

One odd thing about GHOULIES is that from the plot I’ve just described, it sounds like Jonathan is the bad guy of the story, but the movie can’t seem to quite make up its mind about that. Our hero seems to oscillate wildly between conducting ecstatic, screaming satanic ceremonies and acting like he’s just casually interested and confused and a little embarrassed that anyone would think he’s really into it. When his girl walks in on his ceremony he acts like she’s caught him jerking off in the shower; he’s embarrassed and apologetic but also seems to think she’s really making a big fuss over nothing. Baby I AM working on the house, I just thought I’d play around with the dark arts a little in my spare time. Jeez, I didn’t think it would be such a big deal. It’s really hard to tell if the house and/or his dead father is putting the mind whammy on him and also manipulating him to try and cover it up, or if he really doesn’t see the harm in dabbling in a little satanic magic in his spare time, and just lets his daytime hobby get a little out of hand.

Anyway, you don’t care about that at all, and I know that. You want to know about the Ghoulies. And you are right, that’s the only thing which is remotely important here, and I’m happy to tell you it’s also the one thing they get pretty right. The ghoulies are a motley lot of gross, slimy, furry, googly-eyed puppets created by John Carl Buechler (director of TROLL, CELLAR DWELLER, and FRIDAY THE 13th PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD, i.e. the one where Jason has some kind of demon face and fights the telekinetic chick). They look only marginally more lifelike than Kermit the Frog, but they make up for it by being numerous, gimmicky, charismatic, and frequently on-screen. That’s one great thing about puppets: once you’ve made them, the cost is already sunk, and you might as well have them in every scene after that, just hanging around. I like to look at them, and the movie is happy to generously provide that service. Can’t do that shit with CG, no sir. But no need to be stingy with your Ghoulies.

Incidentally, the same rule holds true for the “glowing green eye” magic effect which we first see on Malcolm, and subsequently on Jonathan in increasingly every scene as the movie rolls along. I first assumed that this was your typical animated 80’s green glow, but on closer examination these “glowing eyes” actually appear to be huge holographic contact lenses which covers the entire eyeball, including the white. And just like ghoulie puppets, once you’ve bought one pair, you might as well get plenty of mileage out of ‘em and have everyone in every scene try them on. They’re a pretty nifty effect, and a pretty novel one; I can't recall recall ever seeing anything quite like it before, though that might have something to do with the fact that they don’t always seem to be looking in the same direction at the same time. They also must be an absolute nightmare to use. Liapis seems to wears them pretty gracefully, but on the fancy HD version you can clearly see Des Barre’s eyes twitching and watering and looking about ready to fall out of his head, even as he dutifully hams it up. And ham it up he does, with the heart of a champion. That’s a real pro, there. That shit does not look comfortable.

Look how great that is, though.

The Ghoulies themselves are actually only a little more integral to the plot than the hologram contacts: they’re absolutely essential for this movie to exist, but in all honesty they don’t really do all that much, and are involved in what could generously be termed "the narrative" only in the most tangential ways. They have adorable expressive faces, but otherwise can’t move too much and --as hand puppets-- they don’t have legs, so most of the dramatic heavy lifting in the creature department is done by a pair of little people (Peter Risch, “Little Person #2” SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES and Tamara de Treaux, who may or may not have spent some time in the E.T. suit, and was also in DON’T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK) who make the absolute best of roles which could not, in all honesty, be described as entirely un-demeaning. But at least in the big finale, most of the ghoulies get a showpiece kill, somewhat justifying their presence. In fact, once the body harvest begins, GHOULIES can't stop itself from also throwing a showpiece kill to a rogue non-ghoulie nightmarish human-sized jester doll who pulls off his rubber face to reveal some kind of slimy, uh, thing, and to a beautiful seductress who chokes a guy with a five-foot-long tongue. None of that is really integral to the plot, but it is integral to the movie, and you can trust Band, Buechler, and director Bercovici (primarily an actor, though not in any movie I've ever heard of in 65 credits spanning nearly four decades) to understand that fact. GHOULIES is not the kind of movie that can reasonably make a play for respectability or serious-minded artistic analysis, but it’s definitely committed to being entertaining. And what more could you want from a movie called GHOULIES?

OK, fair enough, you’d want a little more Jack Nance, who has, I think, two spoken lines of dialogue (outside his sporadic attempts to turn narrator). Good thing he’s Jack Nance, so we’re still excited to see him show up at the end to save the day with animated 80’s lightning while our hero does nothing. I can’t call that a great ending, and I can’t call it great cinema, but it gets the job done. That’s GHOULIES for ya.

(And by “gets the job done” I mean it sets up a sequel with even more Ghoulies. Look, we’re not making art here. But for a low-rent meat-and-potatoes creature feature, it knows what it is and commits to the work of being GHOULIES 1 without shame. I can respect that. And that’s not a phrase I thought I’d be likely to use on a Charles Band production, so considering what we’re talking about here it’s basically a goddam miracle.)
EDIT: OH God, I just realized GHOULIES III is subtitled: GHOULIES GO TO COLLEGE, fuck, now I'm going to have to watch the whole fucking series.

EDIT 2: Oh wait, the last one is directed by Jim Wynorski, so I guess not quite the whole series.

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2017 CHECKLIST!

The Discreet Charm of the Killing Spree

TAGLINE	They’ll Get You In The End. This was originally sort of a pun, playing off the poster with one of the Ghoulies coming out of a toilet, but it’s also literally true that the only time they get anyone is in the film’s finale.
TITLE ACCURACY	There are, indeed, Ghoulies, though I don’t know that anyone ever specifically refers to them as such.
LITERARY ADAPTATION?	Absolutely not.
SEQUEL?	Ghoules II-IV
REMAKE?	None
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN	USA/Canada
HORROR SUB-GENRE	Creature Feature, Tinyphiliac horror, puppet horror
SLUMMING A-LISTER?	None
BELOVED HORROR ICON?	Jack Nance? I dunno, he’s not really a horror icon I guess, but he is an icon of something. And I don’t know if “beloved” is the right word, but Band himself is something of an icon, as is Ghoulies creator John Carl Buechler.
NUDITY?	Nah
SEXUAL ASSAULT?	Nah, though there’s an awkward sex scene (under the covers) where he’s trying to do a ritual on the sly while boning his gal, and she catches him and storms out and he acts real sheepish. I wouldn’t call this sexual assault, but it’s definitely behavior I frown upon.
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!	None, except the ghoulies
GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?	Revived Malcolm seems pretty zombie-esque, though he talks and stuff
POSSESSION?	Depends how you want to interpret why he does all this shit. But either way, his girlfriend definitely gets the whammy
CREEPY DOLLS?	Yeah! A good lifesized horror doll.
EVIL CULT?	Certainly
MADNESS?	Nah
TRANSMOGRIFICATION?	Doll into slimy monsters
VOYEURISM?	Nah
MORAL OF THE STORY	I’m basically incapable of not liking a movie with a bunch of Ghoulie puppets, regardless of the movie which surrounds them. Also, check in with your girlfriend from time to time if you’re planning on delving into the Satanic arts in any serious way. Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.

And a pretty strong three-thumbs, falling just short of a fourth

The Dungeonmaster

Dungeonmaster aka Ragewar, aka Ragewar: The Challenge of Excalibrate aka Digital Knights (1984)

Dir. David Allan, Charles Band, John Carl Buechler,  Steven Ford, Peter Manoogian, Ted Nicolaou, and Rosemarie Turko and written by mostly the same and also Jeffrey Byron and Allan Actor

Starring Jeffrey Byron, Richard Moll, Leslie Wing w/ special guests W.A.S.P.

THE DUNGEONMASTER --or RAGEWAR: THE CHALLENGE OF EXCALIBRATE or whatever you want to call it-- is, I guess, a movie. I mean, it’s got a title and credits and actors and stuff anyway. Of course, one of those credits is “produced by Charles Band,” so it was only ever going to bear a passing resemblance to that particular art form. In fact, it more closely resembles a series of loosely connected short films made for no money. For whatever reason.

Allow me to explain: the “plot,” such as it is --which is embarrassing enough that even the movie’s own trailer goes out of its way to obscure it-- finds this dorkus Paul (Jeffrey Byron, “Test Administrator” in STAR TREK 2009) more interested in his superintelligent quasi-sentient 1984 word processor than his nagging girlfriend (Leslie Wing, THE FRIGHTENERS), who correctly worries that he prefers the company of the female-voiced computer to his flesh-and-blood gal. (The computer’s name --no joke, actual adults say this out loud repeatedly-- is X-CaliBR8, which definitely sounds like the World of Warcraft handle of a guy who does a lot of teabagging.)

So it’s exactly like the plot of HER, except for the minor detail that inexplicably and for no apparent reason at all, Paul is whisked away one morning to a fantasy world to battle a wizard (Richard Moll, the bailiff from Night Court) who then outsources the job of battling him to various other scenarios, most of which are easily resolved by pressing buttons on his wrist-mounted X-CaliBR8. The Wizard claims he has spent 1,000 years looking for a “worthy opponent,” and somehow this guy is the best he’s been able to come up with, which is honestly more sad than intimidating. I suspect it’s been a remarkably uneventful 1,000 years. Since Paul doesn’t seem especially bothered by --or even interested in-- this turn of events, Wizard-man also takes the additional precaution of kidnapping his gal-pal, who stands around encouraging Paul to save her and not get distracted. #feminism. Incidentally, the Wizard also decides that Paul should be dressed in a costume somewhere between RAW-era Eddie Murphy and a video game ninja, marking the first moment where the movie and I are in complete agreement.

Each scenario plays like a short film, which makes sense because that’s exactly what they are, self-contained little vignettes from different directors which place Paul in some kind of danger that he resolves by shooting computer lasers. Like any anthology, some are better than others, but all were produced by Charles Band so, (also like most anthologies), even the best ones still aren’t very good. I’m a little iffy on the order; the only other review I can find which lists each segment individually starts off with the “Stone Canyon Giant” segment directed by David Allen (visual effects on numerous films including GHOSTBUSTERS II, director of this, another short film and PUPPETMASTER II), but I’m 90% certain the version I saw begins with Rosemarie Turko’s (SCARRED, nothing else) segment “Ice Gallery.” Since there’s no way in hell I’m going back to check, let’s do this from memory:

Prologue: (director unclear, but I think Charles Band) A very 80’s lady strips naked and Paul gets ready to bone her, but suddenly monsters in very cheap masks come in and ruin things. This is a dream and has no direct literal connection to anything that follows, and was almost certainly added as an afterthought once someone watched the finished film and realized there were no tits in it. Anyway, Paul awakens from this dream, and after a brief and confusing introduction to the characters and the villain, we move on to the challenges of the Dungeonmaster (there are no dungeons in the movie and nobody is ever addressed as “master,” so I can only assume it’s Paul’s last name).

1: Ice Gallery (directed by Rosemarie Turko) finds our hero hurled through time and space into this cave where there are a lot of frozen statues of colorful people and an absolutely unholy amount of dry ice. Paul observes that “every criminal in the world is here,” which is odd because the most notable denizens are Albert Einstein, a non-specific Samurai, and a werewolf. Or, as the trailer narrator puts it, “the ordeal! Of the Ice Monsters of DOOM!”  Needless to say, the ice melts and a few of the characters (but not all) thaw out and attack. Fortunately he has that X-CaliBR8 armband, and that takes care of things. This segment is cheap and shitty.

2: Demons of the Dead (dir. by John Carl Buechler, of CELLAR DWELLER and FRIDAY THE 13th Part VII: THE NEW BLOOD fame) transports Paul to a different, non-ice cave set almost certainly built for some other movie, where a couple of pretty good-looking zombie warriors halfheartedly lurch towards him, only to be quickly overwhelmed by his cheesy laser effects. Then he is confronted by a corny-looking but agreeably goofy muppet named “Ratspit” who bills himself as the “caretaker of the dead” (as we learned from BOOK OF BLOOD, the dead have a surprisingly robust economy). Fortunately he has that X-CaliBR8 armband, and that takes care of things. This segment is cheap and shitty.

3: Heavy Metal (dir. by Charles Band, DOLLMAN VS DEMONIC TOYS, GINGERDEAD MAN VS EVIL BONG) makes time for, why not, a cameo from 80’s hair-metal also-rans W.A.S.P., who in the DUNGEONMASTER universe --unlike in real life-- are a) cool enough for us to be excited to see them in a cameo and b) the demonic minions of a reality-hopping wizard with a chip on his shoulder and a complete inability to defend himself against a smug talking computer that shoots lasers. W.A.S.P. and their fanatical female fans menace Paul for a minute or two with their laser-shooting guitar (Paul doesn’t seem to see the irony of having this technology turned against him) while their tune “Tormentor” plays from somewhere. Having barely defeated a sedentary muppet, a band named after dull white suburban drones still represents a new low, but that’s Paul for you; it seems there is literally no situation he can’t find danger in, up to and including the dance floor of a hair-metal band. Fortunately he has that X-CaliBR8 armband, and that takes care of things. Having survived W.A.S.P. stealing his laser gimmick, he decides to ironically murder them with the power of music by setting the computer to “disintegrate by high-frequency sound,” which seems to do the trick (the drummer --who I assume to be Tony Richards, W.A.S.P. drummer ‘82-’84 -- actually blows up behind the kit, in a moment of bizarre parallel evolution with THIS IS SPINAL TAP). This segment is cheap and shitty.

4: “Stone Canyon Giant” (dir. David Allen, visual effects on WILLOW) changes up the formula a little bit by sending Paul outside, where two little people (Phil Fondacaro [HARD ROCK ZOMBIES], and his brother Sal) steal his X-CaliBR8, leaving him utterly, utterly helpless. Things then get worse when a hundred-foot-tall stop-motion giant statue takes exception his his presence and lumbers after him. Fortunately he quickly recovers the X-CaliBR8 and that’s that. This segment is cheap and stupid, but I cannot in good conscience call anything with a pissed-off stop-motion giant shitty. I’d like to, I truly would, but it’s just not in me to do it. “Stone Canyon Giant” gets a pass, particularly since it’s mercifully short and to-the-point.

5: Slasher (dir Seven Ford, no other directorial credits but lots of small roles as an actor. Also, this is weird, but he’s the son of former President Gerald R. Ford) starts out OK. And then the movie takes a real significant dive in quality, which is really saying something since it wasn’t exactly hot shit to begin with, except maybe in the literal sense. I feel kind of bad saying that, since this is clearly the only segment anyone seems to have put any real effort into, but sadly that just results in a vignette which is still lurching in the gutter but also doesn’t really capture the corny charm which helps the rest of this turkey go down a little smoother. “Slasher” appears to be someone’s attempt at a really, really tame giallo-type slasher scenario combined with the world’s most idiotic detective story. And it really stands out from the other sections for a few reasons; first, it’s set in contemporary America instead of a weird fantasy world, and second, it utilizes a very slightly more complex narrative structure than “Paul transports into some kind of cave, and there is some kind of monster which he shoots with a laser.” Instead, Paul awakens in an alley next to a dead body, a turn of events which is no doubt all too familiar to this movie’s producers. The cops show up almost immediately and arrest him, leaving the corpse to rot in the streets, as is standard police procedure. After a few minutes in the back of the police cruiser, Paul remembers that he has that computer on his arm, which he quickly uses to James-Bond himself out of the police car and onto the street, where he can use his keen detective skills to find the real killer without having to change out of his blue ninja vest. But this time, it’s not Paul himself in danger; the killer, we learn courtesy of a perfunctory expository visit by the wizard, has selected Paul’s girlfriend as his next victim!

Now, Paul’s gal has occasionally appeared in these little challenges before, usually as an incidental damsel-in-distress (she’s been tied up by W.A.S.P., for example) but also sometimes in the sidekick role (for some reason both she and Paul are required to solve the riddle of the ice cave, probably because he’s woefully incapable of tackling any problem which cannot be solved solely via laser fire.) Here, though, she’s niether -- she’s just a denizen of the real world, and has no memory of Paul or anything about wizards, nor does she know she’s being stalked by a killer. But wait, this isn’t some kind of fantasy world, this is real, contemporary America -- you know, the place where she lives in real life. But this is not her real life, so… what gives? I honestly don’t know if this is some sort of crazy virtual reality, or it’s another dimension, or it really IS reality and she’s just had her memory wiped and an elaborate fictional backstory constructed, or what, but I think we can all agree it makes no sense. I’d pity poor actor Jeffrey Byron for having to muddle through this hopeless scenario, except that in this case he’s also the writer, and as such responsible for his own mess. I’m as bleeding heart as they come, but come on, personal responsibility, fellah. Anyway, after an intolerably long time farting around trying to pretend we could possibly experience any tension over any of this in the same movie which offers a muppet named “Ratspit,” Paul manages to find the… alternate dimension version of his girlfriend (?) just as she’s about to meet her doom. Fortunately he has that X-CaliBR8 armband, and that takes care of things. This segment is cheap and shitty, and also direly boring.

There's no good images from this one, so instead enjoy a little visit from our old friend, animated 80's lightning.

6: Cave Beast (dir. Peter Manoogian, DEMONIC TOYS, ARENA) finds Paul back in familiar territory, yet another styrofoam cave with a monster in dire need of being defeated by laser fire. By this point Paul, like the audience, is fatigued with this concept to the point that he can barely motivate himself to enter the subterranean vault, but he goes through with it, and engages in a short rock-throwing match with a critter of some type. Fortunately he has that X-CaliBR8 armband, and that takes care of things. Unfortunately, in this case winning is losing, because the defeated critter turns into an angel and admonishes him for defending himself. “You would have won if you had simply not walked into the cave,” she lectures, nonsensically. Not to blame the victim, but if she didn’t want death by laser beam, she shouldn’t have been dressed like an aggressive cave critter. Anyway, Paul seems uncharacteristically broken up over the whole thing, but for some reason “losing” this challenge  --if that is indeed what happened-- doesn’t seem to make any difference, and it’s on to the final round. This segment is cheap and shitty.

7: Desert Pursuant (dir. Ted Nicolau, TERRORVISION, SUBSPECIES, in his first directorial effort*): This segment wisely ditches the SWORD AND THE SORCERER (with lasers) ripoff and adopts a much more venerable ripoff structure for no-budget z-movies: The MAD MAX ripoff. Paul, this time accompanied by his gal, turns up in a junkyard populated by Sand People (I believe the preferred term is Tusken Raiders) driving what Australians would refer to as “compact cars” and everyone else on Earth would describe as “Libertine deathmobiles.” One of the riders grabs his X-CaliBR8 (marking the second time today he’s lost it like a chump) but he uses math to tell the laser to kill the thief, proving that the man is capable of making even shooting laser beams at futuristic marauders into something embarrassingly nerdy. Going on the offensive, Paul and his trusty co-pilot steal one of the death mobiles and go on a rampage of laser-fueled high-octane carnage like a Blackwater merc on his fifth consecutive day of nothing but vodka and PCP. This culminates in a suicide game of chicken, where Paul, having dispatched his other opponents with lasers, decides to try something different and drive his car head-on into his final foe at full speed, killing him instantly and resulting in a huge fireball. Seriously, that actually happens. Not only does it happen, but apparently it was the way to “win” this challenge, which is, if anything, even more confusing than the “this time, you win by NOT shooting the monster” fake-out from last time. You win by killing yourself? Man, this video game is pretty easy. Anyway, for once the computer lasers play only a huge, huge role in winning here, instead of being the only factor. So that makes it kind of refreshing. And while this is certainly cheap, it’s rambunctious enough not to be completely shitty, because, let’s face it, are we really capable of turning up our noses at weirdos in masks driving crudely assembled deathmobiles at unsafe speeds? I, for one, am not. “Desert Pursuant” wins the “least shitty” award of the seven challenges, for its commitment to whammy and its excellent use of the word “pursuant.”

So, after seven dull and pointless challenges, it’s back to the netherworld, where Paul and his wizard buddy have to face off in a final fight to the death, which takes the form of a short, awkward wrestling match. The wizard, goaded by Paul, promises to refrain from using magic to win, but then breaks his promise, but somehow that drops him into a lake of lava, so, yay for the win I guess? Not be be outdone, Paul manages to find one more use for his X-CaliBR8, as it saves him from plunging to a similar fate (by shooting a laser he can grab? Anyone want to explains the physics on that one?). A poof of dry ice later, and Paul, girlfriend, and computer are all safely back at home. And what do they talk about? Why, marriage, of course! Seems that while Paul was battling an interdimensional wizard, girlfriend talked it over with the computer and decided to take the plunge. Possibly because she just got to experience exactly how completely helpless Paul finds himself without the aide of the magic adding machine, possibly because she’s just using him to get close to that sexy, sexy muthaboard. But anyway, it makes about as much sense as anything else here.

"I dunno, I can't seem to shake the feeling that someday these "computers" will make Donald Trump President."

DUNGEONMASTER is, of course, a total piece of shit. But you knew that. You’d guess that even if you didn’t know they’d changed the name to “Dungeonmaster” --from the somehow even less appealing original title RAGEWAR-- in the hopes of coasting on the good name of Dungeons and Dragons. And it’s a sad, sad day when you need to falsely impersonate D&D to become more popular. It’s probably for the best, though; a movie called RAGEWAR could, in theory, be good. It might even be a good name for a black metal band. Fortunately, a movie called DUNGEONMASTER could never, ever be good, so I doubt anyone watching this one was shocked by its incredibly low quality, idiotic dialogue (the phrase “I reject your reality and substitute my own,” --made famous by Mythbusters’ Adam Savage-- originates in this film and is spoken in complete seriousness) and hilarious repetitive low-effort hokum. At least the segments are all pretty quick (several are under five minutes!) and the movie itself is a paltry 73 minutes, meaning that (with the exception of the distended “Slasher” segment) if you’re not into one vignette, the next one is always right around the corner. Of course, none of the them are really any good at all, and nearly half involve shooting lasers at monsters in cheap cave sets, so moving quickly to the next bit is not exactly a foolproof method of maintaining your attention.

That having been said... As spectacularly idiotic no-budget howlers go, DUNGEONMASTER is something pretty special. Very, very few films this dorky are so completely unaware of that fact. I’m completely convinced that the makers of DUNGEONMASTER were totally sure they were tapping right into a rich vein of cool, leaving the movie absolutely dripping with camp potential. With a bunch of friends and a respectably heroic about of alcohol, it could be a real hoot. But you’ll really have to supply your own entertainment; even the usual “oh well, at least there were tits and some gore in there” ethos doesn’t apply here, because aside from the tacked-on opening there is zero nudity or gore, and I don’t think even any foul language. Aside from a nifty stop-motion giant and a few respectably decked-out go-carts, this is a strictly “laugh-at, not-with” affair. Your commentary is almost guaranteed to be more entertaining than the actual movie, which isn’t typically the way I prefer these things. But if shooting fish in a barrel with a bunch of buds is your bag, this is a very small barrel overstocked with some very lazy fish indeed.

*He also edited TOURIST TRAP and served as “Additional editor” on ROAR.

Also this happens at some point. I honestly cannot remember the context.

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2016 CHECKLIST!

Good Kill Hunting

ALIAS	Ragewar!
TAGLINE	He is the Overlord Of Strange Beasts And Stolen Souls. Which I guess means the “Dungeonmaster” is actually the wizard, not Paul. In that case, I guess it seems semi-true.
TITLE ACCURACY	No dungeon, no master, no accuracy. Then again, “Ragewar” is almost entirely meaningless, and RAGEWAR: THE CHALLENGE OF EXCALIBRATE is impossible for a human being to say without suicidal thoughts, and misspells “X-CaliBR8” in any case.
LITERARY ADAPTATION?	Absolutely not.
SEQUEL?	Believe it or not, there actually is sort of a sequel. The 1988 anthology PULSE POUNDERS is said to include a 30-minute segment in which both Byron and Moll reprise their roles. I use the word “said” because apparently the film has only ever screened once; it was shelved when Empire Pictures collapsed in 1989, and only rediscovered in 2011, to be exhibited at a Chicago film festival the following year. The wikipedia page claims it will be released “via a streaming service,” someday, but as near as I can tell that has never happened.
REMAKE?	No
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN	USA
HORROR SUB-GENRE	Anthology, Zombie, Wizard, Sci-Fi, Stop-motion, Slasher, Post-Apocalyptic,
SLUMMING A-LISTER?	W.A.S.P? Richard Moll?
BELOVED HORROR ICON?	Charles Band? John Buechler? Ted Nicolaou?
NUDITY?	Yes, a weird full frontal dream sequence pre-credits, and then nothing else ever again
SEXUAL ASSAULT?	Methias or whatever gropes up our boy’s lady pretty good while she’s chained up, but over her clothes.
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!	Wolfman?
GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?	Some talk of the “land of the dead” and presumably some corpses, though they not too specific about exactly what label they fall under.
POSSESSION?	No,
CREEPY DOLLS?	None
EVIL CULT?	Magic aplenty, but no specific cult
MADNESS?	There’s a slasher in there I guess.
TRANSMOGRIFICATION?	Statue comes to life, eventually. Oh, and some kind of cave troll turns into a winged lady.
VOYEURISM?	Surprisingly little of note, which is weird for a movie like this, you’d think they’d go sleazier.
MORAL OF THE STORY	In 1984, there was no magical problem which a computer could not solve using lasers.