Nightmares (1983)

Nightmares (1983)

Dir. Joseph Sargent

Written by Jeffery Bloom, Cristopher “Cross” Crowe

Starring Cristina Raines, Emilio Estevez, Lance Henriksen, Veronica Cartwright, Richard Masur

This four-segment anthology horror didn’t begin life as a film; like JOHN CARPENTER’S BODY BAGS these four segments were originally headed for TV, in this case for ABC’s short-lived anthology series Darkroom. When Darkroom was canceled in 1982, they took four orphaned segments (claimed to have been excised from the series because they were “too intense for TV,” though I wouldn’t rule out the idea that they just had four segments left over that they wanted to squeeze a few more pennies out of), cobbled ‘em together into a movie (no framing story or anything, not even the James Coburn narration from the series) and titled it as generically as possible just to ensure there was nothing to stand out or make it memorable or anything. Someone in the marketing department must have had a bad feeling about this strategy, because even the poster admits that this doesn’t sound like too hot a ticket: “each summer, one film opens that you’ve never heard of…” (“hey Steve, it’s summer, man, wanna go check out that new movie NIGHTMARES?” “never heard of it. let’s do some coke instead.”) “...and will never forget.” (“OK, that sounds a little more confident, but what movie could they be talking about?”) …”NIGHTMARES is this years sleeper.” (OOOOoooh, I get it, you’re talking about the movie that this poster is advertising. Good fakeout, 1983’s NIGHTMARES.)

To be frankly honest (arguably the edgiest kind of honest) this movie NIGHTMARES is not that great. These segments may have been too intense for ABC in 1983, but they’re nowhere near intense enough for a legit horror movie, despite the totally unearned R rating. They definitely feel like they would be something that played on network TV in the 80’s. Not that they’re incompetent or ugly or anything, they look fine, in fact, they look better than a lot of the movies that would follow them in the 90’s. They just seem kinda small-scale, flat, unambitious. There’s no significant gore, and very little in the way of imagination, they’re pretty derivative and uninspired from a narrative viewpoint, so they just don’t really have a lot going for them. Dan P from the Roads? Where We’re Going We Don’t Need Roads blog, who watched most of the Chainsawnukah movies with me, fucking loathed this one, thought it was just utterly without merit, an insult to the entire endeavor of human civilization. Me, I wasn’t as offended by it, I found it a perfectly agreeable little time-waster, in fact occasionally kinda charming in its 80’s goofball cheesiness. But that’s absolutely the best thing you could argue about it: it’s benign and dorky enough to mildly hold your attention. Well, at least intermittently. Not so much at the start.

It begins with one of those hookhand-killer-on-the-loose type stories. I’m informed by the internet that it stars Cristina Raines, William Sanderson, and even has Fear singer Lee Ving in it, but honestly I have no memory of this whatsoever at this point, and didn’t even remember it was in the film, let alone the lead segment, until I checked IMDB in preparation for this review. Let’s move on.

Do you even arcade, bro?

Segment 2 is probably the one which is either going to make or break this one for you, depending on how many episodes of I Love the 80’s you were able to watch without vomiting Crystal Pepsi onto your lite-brite. It’s the most openly and shamelessly absurd episode here, so much so that I bet you could throw it on a sketch-comedy show today and everyone would wholeheartedly believe it to be a modern parody, rather than a legit 80’s artifact made with the serious intent to terrify and disturb. Basically the premise is this: Emilio Estevez (FREEJACK) is the raddest dude in 1983, and that radness is exemplified in the one thing that truly defined radness to a kid with a blonde crew-cut in 1983: he’s the king of his local mall’s arcade. The other kids are in awe of him, and he draws a crowd* as he plays Atari games with a grim seriousness that would probably be a little excessive for a speech addressing Congress of the start of World War III. 

As a player, he has no peer, but he does have a nemesis: the brutally difficult Battletank-esque “Bishop of Battle,” a notoriously difficult shooter featuring nefarious monochromatic polygonal shapes which torment the player through 12 punishing levels of difficulty, and --perhaps!-- a fabled 13th. When his parents forbid him from wasting his youth in front of a flickering 8-bit screen and beg him to please, please, just for them, knock up some teenager or something, just anything else but the video games, he rebels and sneaks out at night, breaking into the arcade and indulging in a marathon session with the Bishop of Battle… until things start to get a little too real. So basically this is the embodiment of every gamer’s nightmare since we saw THE WIZARD: the game comes to life and tries to get him. What’s funny is that although you might assume that the vaguely geometric polygons in the game are actually 8-bit symbolic representations of planes or UFOs or something, when they emerge from the game they look exactly the same. Apparently the game was a photo-realistic depiction of what just happen to be nefarious real-life 8-bit invaders.

The computerized villains were all created using ACS1200, and IMDB claims they “cost so much they nearly bankrupted the production” (not sure how that fits in with the “these were cut from TV for being too intense” theory, but I guess it would explain its reported 9 million dollar budget), but they have all the hallmarks of something some studio executive overheard his kid talking about and told his producers, “the kids like it, bring me some of that, money is no object.” Estevez also reportedly took two weeks of gun training to convincingly mimic shooting his Nintendo Zapper at invisible enemies, which should be about as telling a detail as one could hope for about how hilariously wrong-headed this whole concept is. It’s hard to believe anyone could have possibly taken this thing seriously, but there is every indication that someone, possibly everyone, did. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Swipe left.

Drugs are also a good explanation for the next segment, which stars noted greatest-man-alive Lance Henriksen (PUMPKINHEAD, HELLRAISER 8: HELLWORLD) as a disillusioned former Catholic priest who is leaving his parrish only to face stiff opposition in that front from…uh.. you know, it’s not really important. It’s something, I don’t remember, what, you expect me to keep track of every little detail in these movies? Look, there are some things you’re just better off not knowing. OK! Ok, well, it’s a malicious black Chevy 4x4. They have kind of a car fight, and then he throws holy water on it and kills it. It’s not even as cool as it sounds.

Actually, Henriksen is pretty much the only reason I watched this one, I’d had a few people tell me that this is one of his best performances. It’s a fair point, he really digs in deep to bring this poor guy’s inner struggle to his face, but you know what, he’s always great, so that’s not exactly a shock. Unfortunately redoing DUEL but with a smaller truck and way worse filmmaking is one of the lamest ideas I’ve ever seen in a Horror movie, at least MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE had that one truck with a gobin face on it, NIGHTMARES can’t even be bothered to do that. Henriksen is great, but he’s also great in DYING GOD (2008) and THE INVITATION (2003) and THE PENITENT MAN (2010) and come on, you’re not going to see those. He spends most of his screentime yelling or driving, not the best use of this fantastic actor if I may say so. The only thing of note here is that at one point, the crafty evil Chevy hides itself from its prey by burrowing underground and then roaring up out of the soil into the air, like that time Chuck Norris did the same thing in LONE WOLF McQUADE. Otherwise, kinda a wash.

Why? Why did you sign the contract to appear in NIGHTMARES!!?

The last segment is arguably the best, and the only one which even remotely manages any kind of serious build or respectable horror atmosphere. But even so, its pleasures are pretty mild. It concerns married couple Richard Masur (RISKY BUSINESS, MY GIRL 2) and Veronica Cartwright (CANDYMAN 2: FAREWELL TO THE FLESH, oh yeah, and THE BIRDS and ALIEN) who encounter an unusual rodent problem. First, wifey just hears rats in the wall, but the problem escalates with a frightening aggressiveness. She wants to call an exterminator, but her dickhole husband doesn’t think its necessary…until it becomes so blatantly necessary that a shotgun rat hunt is in order. I was sort of surprised at how effective this piece is; its nothing too imaginative, but there’s a sweaty, fevered...well, nightmarishness about this bizarre scenario. It has a Yellow Wallpaper kind of vibe to it, a slippery suggestion that under the prim surface something is rotting -- possibly the marriage between our two leads, possibly their sanity. Cartwright and Masur are good enough actors that they convey the emotional escalation of the situation with some surprising heft, reluctantly dragging you down this rathole into its absurd conclusion, which features some unfortunate effects but doesn’t quite manage to entirely shake off the dreamy paranoia of the escalation. This is mild praise, but it is praise, and that’s not something that NIGHTMARES deserves in abundance, so enjoy it while it lasts.

Another thing NIGHTMARES doesn’t have much in abundance? Anything memorable. If not for the ludicrous killer Atari segment with Estevez, there would be almost nothing here imaginative enough to register. I sort of liked the last segment, but it would be a minor effort at best in any self-respecting Horror anthology worth its salt. I appreciate NIGHTMARES’ attempt at a serious tone, but everything about this production screams small-scale, low-ambition, limited imagination early 80’s TV. There’s a small place in my heart which has some nostalgic affection for the era, which is probably how this one managed to avoid actively offending me, but without that cover there’s really very little here to recommend it. Watch it for the ironic enjoyment of the Estevez sequence if at all, and even then, I don’t recommend attempting this feat without some bitchy friends and a good provision of booze. Still, if you fancy an unassuming night of semi-competent low-stakes 80’s horror TV, you might find some value here.

*One of whom is Moon Unit Zappa

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2014 CHECKLIST!

The Hunt For Dread October

• LITERARY ADAPTATION: None. From the writer/director of FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC, THE MOVIE and ... wow, the writer for LAST OF THE MOHICANS!!?
• SEQUEL: None
• REMAKE: No
• FOREIGNER: No
• FOUND-FOOTAGE CLUSTERFUCK: No
• SLUMMING A-LISTER: Emilio Estevez?
• BELOVED HORROR ICON: Lance Henriksen, Veronica Cartwright
• BOOBIES: No
• SEXUAL ASSAULT: None
• DISMEMBERMENT PLAN: No
• HAUNTED HOUSE: No, unless the evil rats count.
• MONSTER: Devil rat. Unfortunately the truck that menaces Henriksen is just a regular truck, not the monster variety.
• THE UNDEAD: No
• POSSESSION: None
• SLASHER/GIALLO: Arguably the first segment, with its escaped killer.
• PSYCHO KILLERS (Non-slasher variety): No
• EVIL CULT: None
• (UNCANNY) VALLEY OF THE DOLLS: No
• TRANSMOGRIFICATION: Man into... 8-bit man.
• OBSCURITY LEVEL: High, out of print, quickly forgotten.
• MORAL OF THE STORY: Some things are best left on television.
• TITLE ACCURACY: Nothing about these four shorts would suggest nightmares.
• ALEX MADE IT THROUGH AWAKE: No

This is being pretty generous and awarding a whole thumb for basic competency and awesome ACS1200 graphics.

Hellraiser VIII: Hellworld

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sweet Home

Sweet Home (1989) aka Suito Homu
Dir. Kiyoshi Kurosawa
Written by Kiyoshi Kurosawa
Starring Nobuku Miyamoto, Shingo Yamashiro, Ichiro Furudate, Nokko

Summoning James Brown won't save you now.

    Wow, so this was a surprise. I knew I had to have at least one Kiyoshi Kurosawa film in my Chainsawnukah festival this year, on account of the fact that he is clearly one of the best overall directors still alive and productive today, and he primarily makes horror movies. Which make for two pretty compelling reasons, in my calculations. KAIRO is probably in my top ten favorite movies ever, and CURE and SEANCE are both absolutely top-notch horror films, mixing the tension of Hitchcock with the patience of Ozu while retaining the elegance of both. Though Kurosawa (motto: “Just because I’m a Japanese director with the common last name of Kurosawa does not mean I’m related to... oh, forget it.”) has worked in other genres, it’s horror which seems to be his first love and his main focus. How many other directors of his caliber have devoted most of their career to his most disreputable of genres?

    Funny thing about that career, though, is that it’s little-known outside Japan. CURE, from 1997, is about the earliest work of his which seems to be easily available in America. But his first full-length seems to be from all the way back in 1980. What was he up to back then? To find out, I ventured way off the beaten path to acquire a copy of his 1988 haunted house film SWEET HOME. Details about this film are a little murky. It appears to be tied to a NES video game of the same name which also came out in 1989. IMDB claims it’s unclear if the movie is based on the game or the other way ‘round, but they were certainly promoted as a single package, as seen from this commerical which features footage from both. Wikipedia even claims that Kurosawa himself supervised the game’s design, though I can find no direct confirmation of that anywhere. Both wikipedia and this obsessive fan site seem convinced that the film came first, though, and the game’s designer* recalls being able to refer to the film to come up with elements of his game so that’s the best conclusion I can offer. All parties, anyway, seem to agree that the game, at least, is a pioneering classic, the first real attempt at a horror survival game, and an enormous influence on later games (particularly the genre-defining “Resident Evil”).

This freaked our shit out in 1989.

Given all that, I didn’t exactly know what to expect from the film. But I definitely didn’t expect this. Kurosawa’s mastery of pacing and camerawork are as apparent as ever, but in terms of content it’s a radically different film from his quiet, dread-soaked later work. It’s actually kind of a frantic, broad, effects-driven thrill ride with more in common with POLTERGEIST and HOUSE (the Japanese one) than with KAIRO. Unexpected, but not a bad thing. It starts a little slowly, with too much goofy broad comedy, but quickly builds itself into a nonstop machine of relentless craziness.

We start, though, by setting up the premise: a TV documentary crew want to make a special about the abandoned mansion left behind by a famous painter after an at-first unspecified tragedy claimed him and his family. They’re an odd bunch, sometimes seeming more like a dysfunctional family than a group of seasoned journalists (this illusion is furthered considerably because their producer has brought his precocious young daughter along, and she’s dead-set on sowing romance between her dad and a nice lady whose actual job description seems a little on the vague side). Along with our makeshift family group, we also have the egocentric on-screen reporter, a bumbling, irritating lighting guy, and eventually a badass local gas station attendant (long story). They spend most of the beginning of the film having interpersonal drama, wacky hijinks, and polite, extremely Japanese conversations about how they need to work together for the benefit of the group. But then a giant ax shows up, and you know you’re gonna be in good hands.

If you got ghost problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems, but this seems like the most pressing.

     While it starts slow, once it gets moving it doesn’t stop. Although there are hints of Kurosawa’s anxiety-soaked implied-but-never-stated ways in the buildup, the showpieces of this thing are some surprisingly intense special-effects-laden ghostly smackdowns. We’ve got a guy burned in half, a not-entirely unrelated torso that crawls around, a melting body, some nifty creeping shadow hands, a gigantic distorted demon which wouldn’t look out of place in GHOSTBUSTERS (and I mean that as a good thing), and... well, you know that rule where if a gun shows up in the first half of a movie it’s going to be fired in the second half? Well, this movie has that giant ax.

    This sort of shit is buckets of fun, and executed with real artistry by Academy Award winning makeup and FX wizard Dick Smith (THE EXORCIST, LITTLE BIG MAN, SCANNERS). But crucially, Kurosawa walks a fine tonal line between eye-popping special effects bonanza and genuine serious horror. You’re gonna have to smile at a 20-foot-tall screaming semi-transparent green demon, but we’ve also spent enough time with the characters that when they start to get gruesomely offed you do feel a stirring of real horror. It’s awesome to watch a guy get burned in half, but less chuckle-worthy that he crawls around, weeping and begging someone to help him. Combined with the excellently designed haunted mansion (complete with gigantic creepy murals), darkly atmospheric lighting and camerawork, and a genuinely twisty mystery that reveals a suitably horrible secret, the film as a whole finds the right tone somewhere between extravagant thrills and darker themes. The performances of the leads are strong enough, and their story is simple enough, that it never gets entirely overwhelmed by the ghosts, either. Not an easy balance to maintain, but Kurosawa makes it look effortless.

So, holy shit, it turns out that the producer's adolescent daughter (far right) is actually played by single-namer "Nokko", a pop star in her mid - twenties. The fuck did they pull that off?

In true POLTERGEIST fashion, this film is rumored to have been heavily tampered with by producer Juzo Itami (THE FUNERAL, TAMPOPO) which might explain the broad humor and breakneck pace. Many sources claim that Kurosawa ultimately disowned or disassociated himself from the final product, although once again, I can’t find any direct confirmation of that. It’s certainly different enough from his later, better work that it’s not hard to imagine that he wants to leave it in his more commercial past. Still, I hope he at least has a certain amount of pride in the work. Even if it’s not quite the unique voice he would eventually develop, there are plenty of great things about SWEET HOME which make it unique unto itself. It’s technically superb, filled with memorable gimmicks, and manages to find the right mix of hysterical thrills and genuine horror while still leaving room for a human element. It’s one of the only films I saw this month that I can genuinely describe as a wild roller coaster ride, and as a bonus you got solid atmosphere, awesome effects work, and just enough inexplicable Japanese weirdness** to keep you off-balance (I should mention: at about the three-quarters mark, a minor character suddenly has a musical number). It ought to be better known, or at least legally available, on this side of the Pacific. Oh well, at least we’ll always have SWEET HOME: The video game.***

PS: And don't forget to check out Dan P's take, as ABBOT AND COSTELLO DISCUSS PUTTING ASIDE THEIR INDIVIDUAL AMBITION AND WORKING FOR THE BETTERMENT OF THE GROUP AND ALSO THERE ARE GHOSTS.

*Tokuro Fujiwara, himself something of a visionary developer, having worked on “Mega Man”, “Ghost N’ Goblins,” “Resident Evil” and, good lord, A WILLOW video game!

**One great example of it’s Japanese character is that one of our heroes, after learning the ghost’s tragic backstory, still berates it for causing such a fuss. It’s actually a great point that I don’t think I’ve ever heard in another haunted house movie. Sure, the ghost had one horrible, horrible thing happen, but otherwise lived a pretty charmed life. The fuck does it have to complain about? It’s an entirely charming Japanese perspective which probably explains all that talk about working together for the greater good at the beginning.

***Considering that the NES version is considered the direct forefather of the Resident Evil series, I suppose you could consider the film version an ancestor, however distant, of Paul W. S. Anderson’s series of catastrophic follies. Maybe that explains why Kurosawa is none too keen on being associated with it.

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2012 CHECKLIST!

LOVECRAFT ADAPTATION: No, possibly video game adaptation. Or maybe the other way around. Japan is crazy, dude.
BOOBIES: Japan, so no.
> or = HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS LEVEL GORE: Actually yeah, there's some pretty decisive kills in here.
SEQUEL: None.
OBSCURITY LEVEL: Extremely high.
MONSTERS: Definitely some monster-y demon things.
SATANISTS: No.
ZOMBIES: No.
VAMPIRES: No.
SLASHERS: No.
CURSES: The Mansion is definitely cursed, several people say so.
ALEX MADE IT THROUGH AWAKE: She did indeed!

The female director and reporter talk about working together for the greater good, and later the same director talks at length with the daughter about staying alive.