It’s In The Blood

It’s In The Blood (2012)

Dir by Scooter Downey

Written by Scooter Downey and Sean Elliott

Starring Sean Elliott, Lance Henriksen

I know what you're thinking: "Great, this poster is lying to me already by pretending Lance Henriksen in the main character here when you and I both know that's certainly not the case." Well friend, you skepticism is not unfounded, but he's actually in more than a handful of scenes this time, at least. He's not the main character, and there's probably no artistic reason why his face should be this big when the actual star appears (maybe) only as a blurry shadow at the top. But he's definitely the co-lead.

             Well, after the refreshing novelty of reviewing an actual good movie in DON’T GO INTHE HOUSE, I guess it’s time to get back to my bread and butter: writing lengthy reviews to warn you off of watching ridiculously obscure direct-to-video crap you never heard of and were definitely never going to watch in the first place. Which means, it’s that magical time of the year where I give a modern Lance Henriksen movie a shot, on the assumption that, come on, a guy makes 500 movies a year, at least one of ‘em’s gotta be halfway decent just through sheer statistical probability, right?

            Maybe, but surprise surprise, if there is a good one out there somewhere, IT’S IN THE BLOOD ain’t it. In fact, it’s a bunch of hot garbage. How hot is this garbage? The main character’s name is “October.” I don’t think they ever mention his last name, so I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s “Blood,” which would at least help the title make more sense. Now, I admit, some extensive Google searching does reveal a handful of real live humans who somehow live life with the absurd name of “October.” But the most prominent one seems to be the daughter of the bassist from Slipknot, which is about the level of taste we’re dealing with here. I mean, for fuck’s sake.

Look at this guy, I mean, Jesus.

October T. Blood is played by Sean Elliott (“Frat Guy” in THE LIBRARIAN III: CURSE OF THE JUDAS CHALICE) who also co-wrote the screenplay. I never saw him play the Frat Guy, but I can safely say that as a screenwriter, he probably doomed himself as an actor from the get-go, because October has about four characters’ worth of gimmicks stuffed into one: he’s apparently supposed to be 1) some kind of brooding hunk (he’s got a cut-off sleeve, like Ash? But he looks kind of like Adam Scott) who is 2) hitchhiking his way back to his podunk hometown after being away for some time (just a year, according to the Netflix blurb, but it surely seems like it must have been more?) and it’s clear that he left after 3) his beloved girlfriend Iris (Rose Sirna, a minor part in a zero-reviews-on-IMDB movie called LAMB OF GOD* [follow me to the footnote for the plot description, because you need to hear this]) died under circumstances that are not initially clear to us and 4) also, she was his adopted sister, so what in the hell, is this fucking Wuthering Heights up in here? There’s nine billion people on Earth dude, can we try not to fuck someone in our immediate family, October, Jesus Christ? And this whole incident caused him to be 5) estranged from his redneck sheriff father (Lance Henriksen, HARBINGER DOWN, various Pumpkinheads, 56,000 other movies). Also, 6) he’s some kind of genius savant with a photographic memory and perfect recall, who can instantly summon to mind every page of every book he’s ever so much as glanced at during his entire life. Which 7) is why he is a expert field medic and survivalist, because he read how to do it in books and remembers every detail perfectly. (Also, incidentally, it’s the only reason for this bizarre and specific character detail. Apparently this is the only way they could think of to establish that he’d eventually be able to bandage a wound and sharpen some sticks.)

Bear in mind, that’s not the plot of the movie; all that is established in the first five minutes or so. If there is any actor alive who could play a role that overloaded, Sean Elliott is certainly not him. Lance Henriksen might be, actually, but unfortunately he’s stuck with the dad role, and wouldn’t you know it, the screenwriters were so busy adding things to October’s character that they forgot to give him any clear characteristics of any kind.

This is made clear before we even see his face, because the first thing that happens when October gets back to his family farm is he finds his beloved childhood dog stuck in a bear trap. He crouches down and comforts the whimpering animal while he flashes back to sunnier, idyllic childhood days when the adorable pup first came into his life. Then, offscreen, someone blasts the dog to bloody pieces with what is presumably a full-sized howitzer, dousing the reminiscing prodigal son with blood. And then his dad walks up behind him and mumbles that he had to put the unfortunate pooch out of his misery. He later explains that he set up bear traps everywhere for some reason (coyotes? I can’t remember) and just figured the dog wouldn’t be dumb enough to step in one.

Now, this would be a perfectly reasonable introduction to this character if they were trying to establish that he was some kind of unhinged backwoods psychopath. But instead, they act like blowing up this dude’s childhood dog with a shotgun without warning while he’s leaning right over it was a completely reasonable, if unfortunate, response to the situation. The movie posits this incident as a perfect encapsulation of the failure to communicate between the two men. As in, one of them thinks it’s necessary to blast a giant hole in his kid’s dog with his shotgun without warning while he’s kneeling over it, spraying him with viscera, and the other thinks maybe don’t do that, or, maybe, acknowledges that its completely reasonable but is still sulky about it because he’s a big bitchy baby. But then, aren’t they both a little bit right? Apparently so, because rest of the movie is entirely about them getting lost in the woods and then bonding and resolving their differences, all while we gradually flash back to the tragedy that initially pushed them apart.

Oh, one thing about that bonding: while they do it, they are occasionally attacked by this weird crawling thing that I interpreted as an alien mummy dog (the credits just call it “monster”). When Daddy Blood first gets a look at it, it’s got some kind of PREDATOR-style camo mode on, which seems to me makes it an alien, but who knows? He’s so shocked at the sight that he falls backwards off a cliff, breaking his leg and trapping them in the woods. Subsequently, the malignant critter’s MO will be to suddenly create an eerie and inexplicable mist, and then crawl out of it and briefly menace them while remaining mostly off-screen, and then fuck off back into the darkness so they can get back to elliptically talking about the tragic events which cost the life of October’s sister/ fuck buddy.

Here’s the weird thing: they spend a lot of time talking around this incident without ever talking directly about it. The movie bafflingly posits the backstory as this big mystery it has to slowly dole out to the audience in flashback form over the course of the entire movie, even though it’s clear from like, flashback #2 that a creepy sheriff's deputy (Jimmy Gonzalez, a lengthy career of minor roles playing cops in big movies including LOGAN, MACHETE KILLS, and TAKEN 3, clearly relishing his rare chance to play a cop who’s also a raving psychopath) is murderously obsessed with Iris and there’s literally only one way this can turn out. Which is exactly how it does turn out, and yet the movie acts like it’s some kind of huge game-changing revelation which suddenly explains everything (the only new information we learn is how unpleasant her death was, and having a pretty extended, sadistic rape scene is way, way too much for a movie this dumb and bad, making it seedy and repellent as well as boring.)**

Anyway, this irritating and borderline insulting flashback structure effectively prevents the only two characters in the movie from ever substantively discussing the only relevant conflict until the very end, which makes for some very strained, unnatural conversations (and the movie is almost all conversations). But naturalism was pretty much already ruled out by one other noteworthy factor: while they happily jabber away about their shared past while awkwardly avoiding all specific detail, they somehow manage to entirely avoid the topic of the goddam alien mummy dog that’s trying to kill them! They seem to agree that there’s some kind of danger, but unless I missed it neither of them ever specifically addresses the fact that every once in awhile, without warning, some kind of weird mist will appear and a bitey critter from another dimension or Hell or whatever will ineffectually try to get at them. Nobody asks what in God’s name is going on, or wonders if this is a metaphor or if this is an alien or whatever, or seems surprised at all that this is happening. Not once. It’s so completely bizarre that it would almost be interesting if the movie had literally anything else going on.

            Henriksen is giving 110%, as he always does, and he’s so good that you might almost be fooled into caring about their stupid non-drama, but his sole co-star is only operating at about -56%, so it averages out to around 27% acting overall. Which isn’t nearly enough to make the drama worth it, not even close. And yet, that’s definitely the ONLY thing the movie is interested in. The alien attacks are so random and unrelated to any of the dialogue that it’s almost like they shot all the drama and then later decided that the only human beings indiscriminate enough to watch this movie would be horror fans, and so they went back and shot some b-roll of a couple of badly staged creature attacks to edit in. In the big climax, our hero gets attacked by some kind of unexplained distorted zombie ghouls  --including, for some reason, his girlfriend’s killer?-- but the alien mummy or whatever is nowhere to be seen, so I couldn’t tell you what the fuck is going on here. October is just such an excruciating opaque character and so wildly underacted that it honestly seems like maybe he’s supposed to be autistic or developmentally disabled or something (he does have the whole “photographic memory” thing, is that a hint?) but I don’t think so. It’s implied he’s suffering from hallucinations, but his Dad sees the monster first, so… huh, I dunno, maybe that’s not important? Or maybe he hallucinated the whole thing and just murdered his dad? But if so I don’t know what that would mean.

I dunno man, you tell me what this is. This is about the best look we ever get at it.

 Anyway, the possibility of ever understanding this twerp, let alone caring about him, is completely nonexistent. The entire movie is about the reconciliation between son and father, but since the son’s a sulky blank and the father seems like a nice guy and is also played by Lance Henriksen, there’s just no narrative drama there at all, it just seems like this guy’s being a petulant dick to his poor old dad for no reason. The flashbacks don’t really reveal anything which deepens our understanding of their estrangement, and since the flashback structure means they can’t really discuss anything substantive about their relationship without spoiling the “mystery” anyway, their ultimate “reconciliation” is completely unmotivated. And the alien attacks, which are the only reason anyone on Earth would suffer through this garbage, are completely extraneous, not only to the dramatic conflict, but the plot itself. Literally the movie would not be affected one tiny iota by removing them (is it possible that the same writers who had to add a subplot about perfect recall to explain how a character knows how to bandage wounds couldn't think of any reason two people would be stuck in the woods together, except that one of them broke his leg after seeing an alien mummy?). Oh also, as you probably guessed, they suck. 

Not that it would really matter at this point, but it also has terrible, hyperactive editing and grotesquely unappealing color-correct photography, too. I mean, it takes genuine ingenuity to make location photography in the picturesque woods look this visually dull and ugly. What I’m trying to say I think is that this is a pretty bad movie, sorry if that wasn’t clear, before.

Lance gets to do a WHEN HARRY MET SALLY fake orgasm scene, though. You gotta like that. But I don’t think I’ll have what he’s having.

* IMDB plot description: “What if Jesus came to earth as a college student? Who would follow Him? who would be healed by Him? Who would crucify Him? A modern day version of a timeless story, this film follows Desiree, a young journalism major in desperate need of healing, as she investigates a student who rumor claims as the Messiah. Named Immanuel, this student has reported healed sickness, brought happiness, and inspired hope in the student body. After spending just a few days with him, Desiree begins to realize that sometimes rumors aren't just rumors.”

** OK, fair’s fair, we also find out that the evil deputy decided to locate his murder room in Papa Blood’s old shed, like 20 feet from the house (?), meaning Henriksen eventually hears the commotion and comes to investigate but is drunk and gets shot before he can do anything. But this only serves to make October seem like even more of a sullen little bitch, because come on, what the fuck was he supposed to do? Not be drunk on a weekend in his own house? Be prepared to walk into his shed and see an armed psychopath with two bound victims chained up?

Now THIS poster IS a blatant lie, but I think I'd much rather watch the imaginary movie it's advertising than the real one that exists.

CHAINSAWNUKAH 2018 CHECKLIST!

Searching For Bloody Pictures

TAGLINE	You Can’t Escape The Wilderness Within. I’m sure that means something to someone, somewhere.
TITLE ACCURACY	The only possible interpretation is that it refers to the familial link between father and son, but genetics play no role in the plot.
LITERARY ADAPTATION?	No
SEQUEL?	None
REMAKE?	None
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN	USA
HORROR SUB-GENRE	Creature-feature, also some kind of zombie ghouls show up at the end, and it briefly gets kinda torture-porny for a while during one flashback.
SLUMMING A-LISTER?	None
BELOVED HORROR ICON?	Lance Henriksen!
NUDITY?	Don’t think so.
SEXUAL ASSAULT?	Yeah, and a pretty nasty, unpleasant one at that.
WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!	No
GHOST/ ZOMBIE / HAUNTED BUILDING?	I guess some zombies? Or maybe they’re just a metaphor?
POSSESSION?	No
CREEPY DOLLS?	None
EVIL CULT?	None.
MADNESS?	Crazy stalker/killer
TRANSMOGRIFICATION?	None.
VOYEURISM?	The killer watched October and Iris bone naked outside.
MORAL OF THE STORY	If you’re going to blast somebody’s beloved dog to pieces with a shotgun, maybe at least open with “hey you might want to stand back.”