Project: Metalbeast

Project: Metalbeast aka Project: Metalbeast: DNA Overload (1995)

Dir: Alessandro De Gaetano

Written by Alessandro De Gaetano, Timothy E. Sabo, Roger Steinmann

Starring Kim Delaney, Barry Bostwick, John Marzilli, and Kane Hodder

Considering the movie is called... (checks notes) PROJECT: METALBEAST?!  oh dear god I've wasted my life! I could die tomorrow and they’d say at my funeral that I spent my last night on earth watching a movie called fucking PROJECT: METALBEST, sometimes officially subtitled PROJECT: METALBEAST: DNA OVERLOAD though I thank merciful Zeus that wasn’t the on-screen title of the version I saw, but still, Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with me, civilization is collapsing around us and my response is I intentionally select and watch the entirety of PROJECT: METALBEAST!? I live in an age of unprecedented access to the entire pantheon of human achievement! I have every word ever published by Shakespeare and Tolstoy, Hemingway and Hugo, Austen and Joyce at my beck and call! I could delve into the works of Confucius or Kant! I have access to depth and breadth of knowledge undreamt of by monarchs and conquerors a century before my birth! And what do I fucking do with my miserable life, ending, inexorably, second by irreplaceable second? PROJECT: fucking METABLEAST. [Spirals downward into existential despair]

Anyway, as I was saying, for a movie called PROJECT: METALBEAST, this starts off encouragingly, immediately introducing us to two tough-looking guys obviously on some kind of tough guy mission in the wilderness. For context, it provides the following on-screen text in that universally recognized “military typewriter font” which appears in movies and nowhere else in history:

·         Project: Operation Lycanthropus
·         Agency: US Military Intelligence
·         Destination: Carpathian Mountains, Hungary
·         Objective: Sample werewolf blood

That would be enough just by itself to let us know everything we need, but it goes on to add the extraneous:

·         Purpose: Create superior combat agent

As if "Sample werewolf blood" wasn't a sufficient purpose all on its own.

One of the two toughs is Butler (intense-looking enjoyable overactor John Marzilli [The Secret World Of Alex Mack, a 1984 episode of Cheers]) and the other we needn’t worry ourselves with, because he ain’t gonna be around for long. If the text is correct –and we will quickly find out that at least the werewolf part definitely is—they are in the Carpathian Mountains, where they speedily make their way to an obviously werewolf-infested structure and encounter an impressively swole werewolf (Kane Hodder!) who is summarily dispatched with silver bullets and has his blood sampled. So far so good, all according to plan! Oh, those bean-counters back in Washington might have rolled their eyes at spending millions of taxpayer dollars on Operation Lycanthropus. They might have said it was unwise, perhaps even asinine, to travel to the Carpathian Mountains, Hungary, to sample werewolf blood for the purpose of creating a superior combat agent! But who’s laughing now, you pencil-necked Liberal bureaucrats?!

All this is supposed to take place in 1975, by the way. Hard to believe Gerald Ford thought this was a good idea, but maybe it was one of those Nixon-approved schemes which took a few years to get off the ground.

Anyway, we got another PROMETHEUS situation here: nobody says holy shit, werewolves are real, this could revolutionize our entire understanding of biology, not to mention philosophy, the human soul, and mankind’s place in the universe. Instead, they’re just mad they can’t get their werewolf-juiced super-soldier, like, today. Butler, in particular, seems to think if they can’t have a lycanthropic Captain America up and running by brunch tomorrow, America is almost certainly going to be defeated by the forces of communist homosexual decadence. And so when the scientists tell him it’s going to take a day or two to run tests on the mysterious blood (which they don’t know is from a werewolf, a fact which might have hurried them along) Butler goes ballistic and injects himself with the remaining blood. This immediately results in him turning into a werewolf and going on a rampage. Which, of course it does, what the fuck did you think was going to happen, Butler? I mean, you personally took this blood from an actual, living breathing jacked-up ‘roided-out Carpathian werewolf! Always think, man, before you inject yourself with supernatural blood! Real rookie error in my opinion.

Fortunately Butler’s boss, the shifty Colonel who I briefly thought was named “Millie” but turns out to be named Miller (Barry Bostwick –yes, the Barry Bostwick! Beloved star of stage and screen Barry Bostwick from Spin City and what have you*), knows what’s up and quickly puts a couple silver bullets in Butler. I guess he must have seen this coming, or at least had some silver bullets handy for some other reason.

That’s a movie’s worth of werewolf plot right there, but it’s actually only 21 minutes and 30 second of screen time, kinda a complete little mini-movie to set the tone, like the opening of the 2009 FRIDAY THE 13th. We then skip ahead 20 years to the present (1995), where we learn that Miller has secretly stashed Butler’s nude silver-bullet-riddled corpse in a hidden lab, which --yes ladies-- means the villain from The Secret World Of Alex Mack goes full frontal, a nice little bonus for you. You see, Miller learned a valuable lesson from Operation Lycanthropus. Not, of course, that injecting psychotic Nixon-era special ops commandos with werewolf blood is an impractical idea. No, no, the theory is sound, obviously. The problem is that the resulting homicidal werewolf doesn’t have skin as hard as steel. That’s the real snag here. But wouldn’t you know it, in 1995 there’s a lab full of another group of government scientists who are looking for cadavers to practice skin grafts on. Only problem is, the process so far has resulted in all the grafts turning as hard as steel. Well that’s serendipitous! And so, Project: Metalbeast, as the new project is presumably unofficially known exclusively in the head of Colonel Miller, is born!

Unfortunately, as the movie re-starts with a new cast, the break-neck momentum of the first 20 minutes comes to a screeching halt, and we’re left to get introduced to a new generation of scientists led by Dr. Anna de Carlo (Kim Delaney – yeah, the NYPD Blue lady! Also she was in Brian de Palma’s MISSION TO MARS apparently, just five years after this?). Dr. de Carlo is going to be our new protagonist, but unfortunately will serve as something closer to the audience’s antagonist, because she is the one frustratingly factor standing between us and our promised METALBEAST. You see, she doesn’t trust Colonel Miller and doesn’t like that the handy cadaver he has provided for her project has incomplete paperwork. Now, she’s right, of course; the paperwork is bogus, and this guy is sketchy as hell, and in point of fact is trying to unleash a homicidal, vengeance-minded steel-skinned unkillable METALBEAST on them. But which would you rather watch, a movie about a homicidal, vengeance-minded steel-skinned unkillable METALBEAST wreaking havoc, or a movie about a low-level deep-state bureaucrat dragging their feet on a series of biology experiments through an intra-office dispute over incomplete paperwork? Because the movie bets it all on the latter. Not wisely, in my estimation.

See people, this is why everyone hates Liberals. Sure, they might be right, but crazy old uncle Trump, oops, I mean Miller, says we’re allowed to have fun and stay up late and eat all the candy we want and if we want to unleash a homicidal unkillable METALBEAST on the unsuspecting world, that’s our RIGHT as Americans goddamit. And hey, if some people end up dead, there’s always a tax cut to sooth the pain.

Anyway, this argument over proper paperwork for scientific specimens is just blatant anti-entertainment, made even worse by the movie’s general ability to be competent enough that it’s boring. The acting is fine, the production value is passable, the cinematography (by Thomas Callaway, FEAST and an impressive number of direct-to-video sequels including SLC PUNK 2,  CRUEL INTENTION 3 and CRITTERS 4) is adequate and even stylish on occasion.** The sound mix on the version I saw is absolute dogshit, thanks Amazon, but that’s more of an annoyance than a charming foible. So there’s not even anything to enjoy ironically as we slowly, inevitably drag ourselves through nearly 40 minutes before we get a METALBEAST up and running. The only thing that kept me going is the unspoken but unmissable sexual tension between Dr. de Carlo and Female Scientist #2 (Musetta Vander, wow, O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?, WILD WILD WEST, and MANSQUITO?! Plus music videos for Alice Cooper, Elton John, Rod Stewart, Chris Isaac and Tina Turner?!). Oh sure, de Carlo has a supposed love interest who looks like Michael Dudikoff but isn’t (Dean Scofield, a regular voice in the Metal Gear Solid games plus Don Coscarellli’s SURVIVAL QUEST and supporting the real Michael Dudikoff in BLACK THUNDER) but watch these women together. The little gestures, the lingering eye contact, the brief but significant touching. At one point, de Carlo kisses her co-worker lightly on the head after she comes up with some petty exposition. Don’t try and tell me that’s just being a friendly office mate, even in an office so close that you’d feel comfortable going into the meat locker and sadly caressing the corpse of a co-worker who has been hideously mauled by some kind of beast, possibly a METALBEAST, which also happens. This is chemistry. That guy who looks like Michael Dudikoff has no idea what he's in the middle of. None of this turns out to be important or interesting or even stated aloud, obviously, but it does provide a little color during a 40-minute stretch which really struggles to get much drama going.

See what I mean?

Also, I don't know where else to address this, but there's a minor subplot about how the wacky Latino chef (Mario Burgos, no other credits) in their surprisingly elaborate government kitchen (?) is going on strike until they sprinkle the place with holy water (??). There's even a line about how they tried to fool him by using regular water, but he caught on (???). This is never really a relevant plot point, but it comes up a couple times and I feel it must be vital to understanding the rich thematic tapestry that PROJECT: METALBEAST is weaving. 

Anyway, eventually we do get our METALBEAST, and it’s pretty rad, although I have to admit it doesn't quite turn out to be what I had in mind. I was imagining kind of a cyborg werewolf thing, and that’s not exactly what we get; remember, this is just a normal everyday run-of-the-mill werewolf covered in transplanted skin that for some totally valid scientific reason turns as hard as steel, so he’s not a robot or anything, just sort of a weird shiny werewolf who now has glowing red eyes (not sure how that happened) and bristly spines that make him look sort of like a were-porcupine (not sure how that happened, either). He doesn't look exactly like he's made of metal, though he does make metal sound effects when he walks, so there's that. But he looks pretty cool, and you get to see him a good bit. Perhaps recognizing his big namesake movie is really starting to sag, he immediately picks up where he left off back in 1975 and gets right down to the business of murdering everyone in sight. But there are apparently only four or five people who work here so it’s not exactly the wall-to-wall bloodbath that it would have to be to make it worth sitting through 40 minutes of departmental meetings about proper bureaucratic procedural protocol. Still, a METALBEAST was promised, a METALBEAST was delivered, and in fairness to them they have a pretty good plan to dispose of it: silver bullets aren’t going to make it through its MIGHTY METAL SKIN, so they melt down their boss’s antique silver coin collection which he keeps in the office (?) and mold themselves some silver-tipped bazooka rounds. That oughtta do it. With style.

A movie called PROJECT: METALBEAST could probably use a little more cheerful extravagance like that, but there’s enough here to make for a reasonably painless watch. At the very least, the movie is a timely warning about the dangers of injecting American soldiers with werewolf blood to create supersoliders, and then when they go berserk and murder everybody, freezing them nude in a secret lab for twenty years until the technology is developed to give them invulnerable metal skin. Frankly I’m a little peeved that my tax money went to pay for all that. Thankfully there are responsible, thoughtful citizens willing to speak out against this kind of shenanigan. And yes, I’m talking about the deep state: professional, honest civil servants who ensure that these kinds of excesses are kept in check the only way a huge organization is capable of controlling excess: through transparent, consistent protocol.

Yes sir, if we’re ever going to get saved, it’s not going to be by werewolf supersoldiers; it’s gonna be by honest technocrats making sure the paperwork is done right. And this review is a salute to them.

But that doesn’t mean I want to watch them work. If I’m going to throw precious hours of my life away watching low-budget Canadian garbage, I’d at least like to get more METALBEAST than tales of sensible governance, please.

PS: Also, for fucks sake, shouldn't there be a little metal on this soundtrack? I know the beast is literally metal, or at least as hard as metal and I get that PROJECT: THE BEAST WITH REALLY HARD SKIN doesn't have the same ring to it, but come on, you know what I expected with a title like that. Be a pal and throw some Dokken or something in there next time, guys.

*Also ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, but equally also WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S II, HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE, IN THE HEAT OF PASSION II: UNFAITHFUL, THE SCORPION KING IV: QUEST FOR POWER, plus he had a voice role in the American dub of FANTASTIC PLANET and had guest roles on literally every American and Canadian TV series 1979-present.

** The score feels genuinely professional, boldly stating aloud that this is all much more exciting than it actually is, and occasionally almost able to convince you. Turns out it’s by a guy who would at least go on to be a genuine professional, one Conrad Pope, who did scores for PAVILION OF WOMEN, MY WEEK WITH MARILYN, and TIM’S VERMEER, among with schlock like Billy Zane’s THE SET UP and the Alessandro De Gaetano-scripted NEOWOLF. But he’s better known as an orchestrator, a job he held on everything from THE CARE BEARS MOVIE to SCHINDLER’S LIST, the STAR WARS prequels, and most of the HARRY POTTER movies! Even VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS! Wow! What a meteoric rise!